Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

The ones who had a go aren’t friends, realky. Like a PP I hate lateness but I’ve never had a go at a friend for being late/flaky esp if there’s extenuating circumstances. I’ve had some health issues which meant I couldn’t attend a friend’s function last minute (literally could not get out of bed), and they were really nice about it, dh still went (I insisted - by the time the event time rolled round I could get to the loo and had eaten).
And you even went to the dinner part so really they should’ve had no issue. My response would’ve been ‘no worries, see you for the meal!’

WOW.
And who are you exactly???

OP you have learned the hard way that large groups of 'friends' like this are rarely anything but superficial. There's a group of the mums at my dd's school who are like this. They act like they're the best of friends and post photos online etc just for show but the minute the other's backs are turned they're bitching not just about each other but each other's kids. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

I sometimes feel a bit inadequate because I don't really have many friends but then I realise that I'm not 12 any more and don't have the time or energy for such fakery. My little family will always be my priority and grown adults who need to pretend to like each other just for the sake of an instagram post and somebody to stand next to at the school gate live a much sadder existence than those who are comfortable enough in their own skin to not need such bullcrap IMO.

You definitely don't have time for fake friends with everything you're facing. You need real people who are comfortable with your situation and will support you when you need it. These women have shown you their true colours. As the saying goes 'when someone shows you who they really are, believe them' Give the bitchy women a wide berth. Maybe reach out to the ones who were kind to you (especially the one who stuck up for you and squeezed your arm) I'd be tempted to message these privately and just let them know that you appreciate their support and that if they want a coffee any time then you'd love that.

See this as a positive OP. You've seen these people for who they are before you face bigger challenges. You're free of their fuckwittery now and can concentrate on what really matters.

I am so sorry that this has happened. I kept thinking of the Lord of the Flies and them turning against the weakest of the group. The birthday woman and her henchwomen are just vile. I would have nothing to do with these people. Their seem to have been at least some decent people in the group and maybe you can keep in touch with them though, to be fair, after this display of their true nature, I'd judge anybody who chose to socialise with them. My grandfather had a saying, "It's a long road but there's a turn". It perhaps suffers in translation but it's a variation of they'll get their comeuppance eventually.

Your ‘friend’ is a narcissist and she has also turned the others against you. That word is so overused these days but a similar thing happened to me. I kept in touch with the nice ones and got rid of the rest.

Whenever you have a largish dinner party you can expect some to be a bit later than others and at least one to drop out for an emergency. They sound childish frankly. The point of pre drinks in our house is to deal with the fact people all start arriving at slightly different times but everyone to get there some point before or for dinner - and then can start dinner together. I’d just ignore and move on I think. I also agree with others that this is an OTT reaction from some friends about your husband’s disgnosis, some can react in truly odd and sadly cruel ways.

I’m sorry some of them treated you like shit, I would have got my bag and told them I’m not putting up with their nonsense and I would have gone home, infact I’ve done this in the past!

To hell with them and their bitchy behaviour

My friend's husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer at the beginning of the year and nobody has treated her like this. I can't believe what I've read. They're disgraceful.

Spot on.

It sounds like you have a tough time ahead with your husbands health. Ask yourself if this group are actually going to support you through this as some of them sound like a load of self indulgent whiners with a severe lack of empathy.

If you aren't normally late and managed to make the dinner I would have been fuming at the berating you got from half the group. Given the birthday girl sounds the worst of all I think I would have walked out. It was only a birthday for goodness sake and you had a valid excuse for being late. Honestly you will meet all sorts through life. Throw the selfish ones to the kerb.

so your husband was late from the office due to train delay and that’s why you couldn’t make friend’s birthday drinks so join the group straight at dinner? And your friend, an adult, throw a tantrum because of this as 6 friends at drinks were somehow not enough for her??? I can’t believe what I just read. And this before looking at your other personal circumstances.

These women are stupid mean bitches. For any normal adult it’s such a non event if one of their friends late for drinks due to childcare/ traffic/ work issues.
who needs enemies with such friends?
Drop them off from your friends list. They are stress and headache.

I agree with this. She's vile.

Hello, OP’s former friend!

I see you already handled it. I cannot believe how nasty some of your "friends" have been. Luckily, it does seem like a few of them are keepers. The "queen bee" and her hive of drones can pound sand.

I hope you continue to recover from your surgery and your DH gets through his illness. You deserve friends as nice as you. Don't settle for less.

I’m glad you and your DH got some support from this thread, OP.

I hope you can increase your friendship circle outside of this group.

I think a PP mentioned a very nice but direct way to tell the group that you are stepping back. Right now, the focus should be on you, your DH and your children. If anyone in your friend group wishes to stay in touch they will.

Or feel free to add to your message, "At this time, I cannot concentrate on a group, but if individuals wish to stay in touch, that would be kind and appreciated".

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this hurtful situation OP. What a shock!

I could be wrong of course, but I don’t think they were trying to dump you because of what you are going through at home. Surely nobody could be that calculating and evil.

I think what happened was more likely to have been this:
The hostess’s husband upset the hostess with some cutting remark that really stung and she took massive offence and had a right old moan or even cry about it to her two followers …the two who appear to be seeking her approval. They consoled her and made her feel she had every right to be offended by her uncaring horrid husband. How dare he say that to her on her birthday. She felt a lot stronger with their ego stroking so that when you said you would miss the drinks, she transferred her displeasure to you. She maybe told each guest in turn how upset she was with you not to be able to have got your act together enough for her birthday. And she whipped up the anti to such an extent that she felt completely justified in giving it to you with both barrels on your arrival. The two followers, with not an ounce of intelligence between them, backed her up.
Others may have kept quiet out of discomfort and confusion and others were actually brave enough to go against horrid hostess and they supported you a bit.

Your message on WhatsApp was good. It enabled you to clearly see the two poor limpets who stuck to the hostess.
So if I were you, and indeed if I were brave enough, I would start a new group chat without horrid hostess and limpets and then, without ever mentioning the awful evening ever again, I would use the new group chat to invite the nicer ones to something you organise, even if it’s just a walk, followed by coffee and cake morning at yours. No need to throw the nice ones out …. they may well become really good supportive friends to you in the days to come if you give them a chance. I really hope so.
Wishing a speedy recovery to you and your DH.

Horrible, i would send one last message calling them out on their behaviour then leave the group. 'It seems like you have all come up with a stupid reason to ditch me when i am having a hard time so you dont have to be bothered by me or my issues." They might not fully realise why they did it and hopefully it makes them think about what shitty people they are

I once had a similar situation where half a group turned one over a really simple misunderstanding (I misheard in a nightclub where we were meeting up later as my hearing isn't great). Despite me being upset, they just carried on lambasting me. A couple of them did stick up for me and i won't forget their kindness. We were only 18 though. Your so called friend was acting much younger than that! My friends and I are often late for drinks because childcare falls through or husbands are late home. It happens. We still appreciate it when anyone is able to make it. I also have friends who, on the night, just don't feel like going out due to feeling tired/under the weather. None of this is a problem. I have never understood people's lack of tolerance over such things. Just imagine having such little self worth that, in order to feel good about yourself, you need others to prove their commitment to you by jumping through hoops. Imagine getting so riled by something so inconsequential. Quite frankly, it's pathetic!
Regardless of anything else going on in your life, it's not normal to get mad at someone being late due to childcare, nor least for any reason. It's certainly not normal to have a go at someone in a group situation. They're probably also annoyed at you crying as that puts them in a bad light. They sound a bit dim and ignorant if you ask me! It's definitely not you.
Good luck with everything else going on in your life. Sending you lots of good wishes.

Advise listening to the ABCDE song by Gayle - very loudly.

Agree John. It’s the group against one that makes it so upsetting. Made way worse by what is going on in ops life anyway - a time friends should be rallying round not ganging up!. What on earth is wrong with them? Kind of hope they are reading this. If so explain yourselves please because the majority of decent women here think you have behaved appallingly.

I've just seen the WA updated post. We'll done OP. And honestly send them the link to this thread they can read what bitches they all are..as for birthday girl she sounds like a self centered cow your better off without.

I can't get this out of my mind this evening. I'm genuinely very upset for you OP. Ganging up on someone in a vulnerable position and belittling you reminds me of school bullies. They keep at you until they make you cry, but in this case they kept on. All because of your good nature. You stayed because you didn't want to make a scene and ruin her evening. You must be a lovely person. You could have poured her dinner over her head and then posted the video on YouTube. 😉

OP you've clarified your never late. So what have you now got to lose by putting a msg on WA because by sounds of it you can't move on with the nasty lot until its been aired. I'd stick a message reiterating why you were late, fact your never late usually, reasons why and mention that you've alot going on as in your OP you did and literally let rip in a nice controlled way. Tell them you thought they'd be more understanding as friends and that rhe sheer amount of bitchness was out of order. Sit back and watch which one apologies- keep. Rest ditch.

Shame on them. What disgusting behaviour. I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds really hurtful. I don't think, though, that you'll ever be able to unknow what they are really like.