Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

Birthday friend was out of order and just plain odd tbh.

Out of interest though, how old is your youngest? If they are 13, maybe they thought your husband running late was just an excuse to get out of the drinks so it was dishonesty that upset them more than lateness (as a 13 year old could be left for a while in these circumstances)?

However, no way would I go off at a friend over this, never mind one who was having a tough time. At most, I’d probably have a whinge to DH in private later.

It sounds like the 13 year old is the oldest. I have a 13 year old. I also have an 8 year old. I wouldn't leave for drinks either until DH got home.

OP - as you say you're not normally late or flakey, I am wondering if there's some resentment around your illness. A lot of people seem to find this difficult to cope with - they resent having to help out or they think the illness doesn't justifify shifts in behaviour. Often it's because they don't know how to act but I have never had any sympathy with that behaviour.

I would do what a PP has suggested - privately contact a couple of the ones who were supportive and ask them if they have any idea what is really going on. And then, either address that, apologise (if there is any valid reason) or end those friendships.

Similar happened to me and what I thought was a completely solid group of friends. A series of devastating blows occurred to my lovely little family and our lives were literally turned upside down. Some people were kind and supportive but others, unbelievably, turned out to be jealous of the attention (support!) I got because of this and blew up my friendship group. I cannot fathom how adults can behave like toddlers in situations like this but they did and 10 years on I now have a couple of fantastic close friends and no contact at all with the other, larger, part of the gang.

Some people have not matured much past the toddler stage it would appear.

And did she say she got secondary infertility after that?

You don't think she might also have younger DC?

I get why everyone is saying that the OP should dump these women but sometimes it's not as easy as that. It sounds like they generally do things as a group and to suddenly cut them off might be worse for the OP than trying to manage the situation.

OP, have you got a couple of close friends in the group? Can you talk to them about it.

Second sentence of OPs first post

“i have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born*

I certainly wouldn’t apologise either! Adults should be old enough to understand that the rest of the world doesn’t stop for your birthday - the idea of being ‘the birthday girl’ as an adult is ridiculous to me.

Crock of shit.

I hate it when people are late but they were really out of order. It's not like the person whose birthday it was ended up sitting there on her own waiting, there were other people there for drinks. And you were there in time for dinner so it's not as if the reservation was at risk or they were all sitting around getting hungry waiting for you so they could order. They were really unkind.

Flaking on birthday drinks? Her DH was stuck on a late running train and she couldn't leave her kids alone. What's flaky about that?

not leaving your 13+ child because your DH is running an hour late sounds flakey to me and likely sounded flakey to the birthday girl.

@DancingNotDrowning why are you assuming the DC is at least 13?

I'm sorry to hear about your surgery and your DH's diagnosis.

Their reaction is ridiculous. Stuff happens - kids get ill, DH's get delayed (as in this case) or let us down, babysitters cancel, childcare falls through. If anyone cannot comprehend that then they are the selfish ones.

In your situation I would also have been late (I don't have childcare on tap, live abroad away from family). If I have evening plans and DH is late I cannot just leave my primary aged children - I will be late. And that's without any health issues added to the mix.

You do not owe them an apology. I would also be bewildered at this reaction and wonder if something else has been said before I arrived.

Who needs enemies when you have friends like this? If you were my friend I’d have just been happy that you still came given the hard time you are having at the moment.

I would step back but I wouldn’t be able to stop myself having my say, I’d definitely send something like ‘I need to say, I’m not sure what happened the other evening for me to offend you all so much? You know I have been unwell and that we’ve had bad news regarding DH’s health, given the circumstances (and not to mention that a cancelled train is beyond our control), I was really suprised and upset at your reaction to me missing pre-dinner drinks. As it stands I’ll be talking a step back from the group as your reaction was really upsetting and hurtful at a time when I need my friends support the most’

Flaking on birthday drinks? Her DH was stuck on a late running train and she couldn't leave her kids alone. What's flaky about that?

OP has already apologised, she doesn't need to apologise again and 'birthday girl' wasn't cancelled, OP missed drinks but had dinner.

Birthday girl sounds spoilt and entitled as PP have said - it could be a pattern of narcissism emerging in her

Stay in touch with the one who stuck up for you, distance yourself from the rest

Apologise again? Are you mad??
why are you assuming the ops kid is 13? Gobsmacked you’re defending this shitty teenage brat behaviour to be honest.
Op I think your friend found this thread!!

flaking on someone’s birthday drinks isn’t great and assuming your child is at least 13, perhaps there was a certain frustration at why you couldn’t leave them alone for a relatively short period.

Leave it a day or two and apologise again (you owe one regardless of how reasonable your explanation for not attending was) then ask the birthday girl what prompted such a negative reaction.

I try to see the good in people so instead of focusing on all the reasons why your life is difficult at the moment (that didn’t impact your ability to attend) I’d ask myself is there anything going on in the birthday girls life that made her sensitive to being cancelled last minute?

Alternatively they might just be arseholes in which case walk away.

OP, how weird and immature. You made the effort and they were completely weird. As for not thanking you for the gift and complaining others had not brought gifts... sounds like primary school playground drama. You are better off without them.

Are they feeling alright seriously? You missed drinks, it's not like you killed someone. Talk about an over reaction but in your shoes I'd be thinking there is something else behind their reaction because there is no way people would get that angry about someone not being there for a few drinks . In my group its common for people to join at various stages through out the evening. Nobody bats an eyelid.

I'm so sorry, how awful for you 😔 xx

What awful behaviour from grown adults. I suspect this is about something else entirely. I'm going to suggest that you stay in the group long enough to work out what's going on. It sounds like some people are pissed off with other people and you were a convenient target for free floating aggression.

Also agree. Nothing worse than grown-up adults making a massive fuss about their own birthdays and demanding everyone else does the same.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, OP. I’d not see them any more either.

I also really like this.

None of this makes ANY sense

However it does show you who these people are, deep down