Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

It’s not even to do with you going through a hard time, although you’d think real friends would cut you a bit of slack on the basis of that alone. The only relevant point is that you couldn’t leave your dc until your dh arrived back from work. Your dh’s train had been cancelled, therefore he was going to be late back, therefore you were going to be too late for drinks. It’s not rocket science, and should have been accepted without question by everyone. You’d at the very least expect a sympathetic acknowledgement of how you can’t rely on trains, rather than being attacked by half the group for something out of your hands! Try and stay in contact with the others, maybe individually, but in the same situation, I know I would leave the toxic WhatsApp group.

YAdefinitelyNBU!

If you really do want to say something to the group and withdraw, I think a pp has it right. Keep the reason non controversial.

Tell the Wattsapp group you're taking a break to deal with recent personal issues and keep in touch with the nice ones

But be aware that it might be difficult to keep the same relationship with the nice ones, as you don't have a routine or the momentum of your regular group get togethers, and they might feel awkward.

She was in a bad mood and pissed. She might even be a little embarrassed about what happened but I doubt it. Is she the Queen Bee and her acolytes took her side (also pissed)?

I’m not defending the birthday girl.

I’m suggesting that if the OP has been friends with these women for 13 years it might be worth exploring what prompted such an apparently out of character attack.

OP is not going to get to the bottom of this without an honest conversation with at least one of the other attendees. Alternatively she can go NC and never speak to them again but that seems rather dramatic in response

I know at least one child is 13+ because I managed to read the OP 🤷‍♀️

I was going to say similar. I have a friend who is always late. 60-90 mins and sometimes she’ll say “I’m in the taxi” and then not turn up AT ALL!
I hate going out with her because it usually ends up with us all sitting around, waiting, hungry.
It's rude and arrogant that she thinks her time is more important than ours.

However, I can see you’ve replied OP saying you’re never late so this reaction is bizarre. Especially if others joined in. Do they feel you always prioritise your husband perhaps?

Given your struggles at the moment, I'd not withdraw from all of them or throw a grenade into the WhatsApp. You're going to need the good ones from this group as your husband's illness progresses.
Their protests might have felt a bit ineffectual, but they were hardly going to create a full on row in the restaurant on her birthday.

I'd contact those people and ask if you'd missed something happening in birthday girls life, or before you came, that caused her to react as she did. Say that you were uncomfortable about being emotional, but that this came out of the blue, that things are really tough, and you need your friends. Oh, and thank then for trying to defend you.

i could understand, perhaps, someone being a bit disappointed (not irritated as you had a good reason and doesn’t seem like it’s a pattern) if it meant they didn’t get to go for the planned drinks - but sounds like everyone else made it so that wasn’t the case.

Is the”birthday girl” a bit of a diva in other ways? She sounds hard work and I wouldn’t be inclined to socialise with her or her sycophants in future.

Gobsmacked at PPs trying justify the birthday woman's behaviour. Even if the OP's reason for being late could be considered a bit flaky to other people, who in their right mind would pull her up on it it and reduce her to tears in front of all her friends? Most normal people would feel a little peeved and then quietly get over themselves, or at the very most gently explain to the friend the next day that they had felt a little hurt. Not submit the friend to trial by jury over dinner.

If drinking is this important to you that you'd assume the OP should've rushed off and left her 13 year old babysitting younger DC, when you have absolutely no idea how capable the child is, or how young the siblings are, that's genuinely shocking.

I think some people like to be contrary for the sake of looking edgy and oh so clever on threads
hint
They don't

I reckon some of them were pissed by the time you got there. Tell the Wattsapp group you're taking a break to deal with recent personal issues and keep in touch with the nice ones

Is it possible that this is the tip of the iceberg? Are you often late/flakey/unreliable?

This doesn't sound reasonable on their behalves, and I'm wondering if they're responding to a bigger issue without letting you know.

If not, then this is awful and I would 100% be withdrawing from all those who attacked you. Even if they did want to address something with you, doing it in front of others and in the way they did isn't acceptable.

The only thing I can think otherwise is that they're not happy that your husband was late, I guess his illness has nothing to do with whether he left late at work etc. or maybe they didn't believe your reason?

This is one reason why I actively avoid groups. I'm my experience, they often turn out like this and I don't have the nerves for this kind of behaviour.

Sorry that happened to you OP, and for what you are going through generally. Sometimes life throws these curve balls and you really find out who your friends are, or we re-evaluate who is part of our life because of it. You'd think they could have given you some grace considering all you are going through.

Ugh this sounds like a horrible situation and I wouldn't want to be in a friendship group like that to be honest...sounds like hard work.

At the end of the day we all have lives and families, and problems. Friend groups are important but family always comes first with me....Of course there will be times we can't be on time for drinks... It's not like a set thing like a cinema, show, or meal booking when people are just meeting for drinks so I don't see the massive deal!

I'm saying this probably as the "annoying" friend in the group who is quite often the last to arrive...but nobody has ever pulled me up on it. I'm just extremely disorganised to be honest and I have a job that is quite unpredictable so often impacts what time I can be somewhere....but when I've been late we usually just laugh it off. It's not because I don't care or don't want to be there and they know that! You need more chilled out friends I think!! Very poor form to attack you in front of everyone too. They sound awful.

Something like this is perfect.
Your friends are horrible, OP. I can't imagine getting angry at someone for missing drinks but then being there for dinner. I might feel inwardly a little irritated but that would be it and tbh I don't even think I'd feel that.
You deserve an apology and I really hope you get one.
Message your closer friends directly too to find out what's going on.

When you step back from people like this new friends emerge
Doesn’t sound like many of them have any emotional intelligence

er perhaps she does but it’s hardly unreasonable to leave a 13 year old with a younger sibling for a short period of time

this is a cross roads situation. Either OP decides her friends are bitches and she cuts them out or she can consider that if this is unusual behaviour in the past 13 years of friendship maybe there’s a sensitivity that is worth exploring.

I’d do the latter, people and situations are complex and I’d want to understand why the friends were so upset. But as I said May e they’re just arseholes but asking the exploratory questions is the best way to find out.

There's only one person on here defending the awful birthday girl, think that says everything..

Are you assuming also that there aren't younger kids too?

Are you assuming that all kids are old enough to not need supervision?

Are you assuming it's safe for OP to leave her kids for an unspecified period of time till DH manages to get home?

Hard as nails, aren't you?

Kids safety v a booze up with yer mates. Sounds like your priorities are screwed up.

God don't be so ridiculous!! OP said she's never late except once during covid! How do you know child is 13+?? You def sound like one of the mean gang at the birthday

I think you should step back, it just seems a very bitchy friend group the fact she was also moaning that some people- who presumably came and spent money at her celebration - didn’t buy her presents is a red flag too. Seems like her and the friends closest to her slag the wider friend group of all the time. This is maybe just the first time they’ve done it so openly.

I agree with pp you should send a text to a group chat describing your disappointment at their behaviour, I hade a feeling they had a pop at you partly because they see you as a soft touch. Stand up to them and prove them wrong.

Or if that’s not your thing, at the very least yeah take a step back.

Christ OP I am so, so sorry, that is truly awful behaviour and I'm not surprised you are feeling beside yourself about it.

I'm sorry to say that my first reaction was that this is nothing to do with you being late, and everything to do with your DH's diagnosis. It sounds like some of these women (possibly subconsciously) don't want the downer of supporting a friend on what sounds like it may be a long and difficult journey, and have fabricated a reason to distance themselves from you. It's shocking behaviour but sadly it happens.

Do NOT apologise. Their behaviour was and is completely unjustified and I think that sadly dignified withdrawal from the group is the best option.

I'm so sorry about your DH's diagnosis.

@DancingNotDrowning the OP also goes on to say "Yes explained I can’t leave the kids until he is back, but I would def be there in time for dinner."

Assuming ophas one child who is 13, perhaps she's a better judge as to whether they can be left alone or not? Child might have complex needs. Child might have siblings and OP didn't feel it appropriate to leave 13 to on charge of them all. As a friend, I'd trust her judgement with her kids