Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

That sounds awful op. If someone upset me so much that they made me cry then I'd have just left there and then.

Your 'friend' sound likes a drama queen. Marking per territory and laying the law that nobody should be late- a warning to others.

Honestly OP I feel for you.
You being late was not your fault. You HAD planned it all. DH HAD planned to be back on time. The train got cancelled. That is not your fault and not his fault. You can't organise your way out of a cancelled train. You can't leave young DC on their own.
So they had a go at you for no reason and I think that's spectacularly unfair, with or without the additional context of your personal situation right now.

I think I would not go to the upcoming event. I think I would just take a back seat from them right now. You don't need this in your life given all else you have going on. But do tell them now that you're not going. I wouldn't bother telling them long explanation etc. Just say that given everything else going on in your life, you won't be going. Leave at that

How disgusting. Grown women acting like a pack of hounds.

I'm glad you're stepping back. Just concentrate on your lovely family. Be wary of saying anything in messages to supposedly supportive types.

What a horrible toxic group of friends. Seriously life is too short to be part of this mean girls group. The birthday girl in particular sounds horrible, spoilt and entitled. I would break away and just stay in contact with the nicer ones.

The birthday person is self involved and shouldn't be indulged in childish behaviour. It's also shitty that her friends kicked you while you were down too.

I'd find it hard to forgive, firstly you didn't do anything wrong. You were late due to circumstances beyond your controll, your reason was valid. And secondly they are shitty people to have a go at someone who is having a hard time .

I'd probably leave the group and be honest that you didn't agree with their behaviour.

Then stay in touch with those who supported you and any who apologise.

The whole reason adults have drinks before dinner is because adults have jobs and kids and commitments and it’s good to have a period of ‘turn up whenever’ time to allow for these.

That said, in my group even if you were forty minutes late to the actual dinner because something happened, nobody would’ve given a shit cos adults have jobs/kids/commitments.

get rid! Keep the nice ones

@DancingNotDrowning I see your point about not writing off 13 years of friendship for one incident. However, this is a pretty serious incident. Picking on the OP so badly that she was crying at what was meant to be a fun night out? When she needed a pick-me-up having recently had devastating news about her husband and surgery herself? Nope. To draw an analogy with a work scenario - this would be grounds for gross misconduct and they'd booted out the door right away, even though it's just one incident.

You really would be okay to be given such a dressing down in a restaurant that you spent the night in tears?

With half the table shooting daggers at you the entire meal?

Honestly?
You'd #bekindandunderstanding about that if it happened to you?

I don't believe you.

@Summerdays24 Sounds to me like birthday twat was pissed off because nobody had brought her a present and so the others jumped in to pick on you to suck up to her in an attempt to appease her. This is not about you. Doesn't take away from the shit feeling. They should feel ashamed of themselves. You deserve far better friends. And I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Real friends would be supporting you with this, even if they don't quite know what to do. I hope you're feeling better today.

Having read your updates, they are complete bitches and youve not over reacted at all

Shit happens. A train got cancelled (presumably at the last minute) and you had no choice (you can't get a babysitter at that short notice and yes you can't leave a 7 year old alone). Id be wondering what did they actually, and realistically, expect you to do?

Even without your recent difficulties, it's a huge over reaction on their part and completely wrong of them to have a go at you. It wasn't your fault, it didn't achieve anything but make you cry, you aren't normally late so it's not like it's going to make any tangible difference for them to share their feelings. It's one person in a fairly large group for drinks and made no difference to the evening.

I have to agree the birthday girl sounds like a spoiled child, getting upset at her husband, complaining that no one got her presents other than you, not thanking you for her present etc

I would text her, explain as she felt entitled to share feelings you're doing the same and you found her having a go at you to the point of crying, for something that wasn't your choice / fault and had little impact on the evening (its not like a meal where you have to wait for everyone to order) to be extremely hurtful especially given they carried on even though they could see how upset you were, and that there was no allowance made for your recent difficulties etc. And see if she responds. Even if she does though I can't see you going back to proper friends, not because it's not possible but because you sound like a decent person and she doesn't, so I don't think you'll actually want to be friends with her even if you receive a grovelling apology (which I think is doubtful, she sounds too self absorbed to do any proper reflection)

Have you read OPS update?

Do. Do read it before you say any more

No I hadn’t. Our posts crossed.

but it seems OP has now got to the bottom of why her friend reacted so poorly. She’d been let down and disappointed by her DH. That’s a shitty explanation but as a one off might be forgivable. Or it might be the final straw in a long line of misdemeanours that ultimately mean the OP decides the friend is not worth bothering with.

I wouldn’t write off a 13 year friendship on the basis of one isolated incident although it sounds like I’m in a minority of one.

Their behaviour is really I explicable, going by what you have said. I don't think that you've got any choice but to leave the group. This isn't the way that anyone should be treated. In fact maybe you should get a bit mad? Why would you want to socialise with these people?

I think you know the answer, OP.

It's a spectacular cruelty to bring someone to tears in a restaurant and keep sniping going like that.

People do awful things when pissed, granted, it's still no reason to continue the beating.

Mute the group, protect your health and your family, look after your DH, focus on other friendships and move on from this pack of howler monkeys. Do NOT go to the bbq. Don't engage, don't look at any posts, don't respond to direct contact beyond " I'm taking some time out to protect my health and my family for the time being".

Let them get on with it without you.

I honestly can't imagine getting so worked up about one person being late. Arsehole behaviour from the birthday woman and those siding with her - sounds like they are showing their true colours.

As a PP said I'd message birthday woman, give her a chance to apologise and if she doesn't I'd leave the group and keep in touch with the nice ones

She sounds like a massive dick op and owes you an apology
I would say though if you leave the group prepare to lose all the friendships but most of them don't sound like much of a loss.

Shame some people have never grown up

Have you read OPS update?

Do. Do read it before you say any more.

Well they aren't friends , awful behaviour.
Bin the lot and find new friends

I haven't read all the responses so someone may have already mentioned it. I would say this this is likely to be nothing to do with your lateness on the night, which was perfectly valid, but your husband's diagnosis. Your friend is withdrawing from you because she doesn't want to deal with what's going to happen and how it will impact her in future.*
I would absolutely call her out on it and the rest of the group that supported her nasty behaviour.
*Edited to add... so she's trying to distance you from the group now so that she won't have to deal with it.

If drinking is this important to you that you'd assume the OP should've rushed off and left her 13 year old babysitting younger DC, when you have absolutely no idea how capable the child is, or how young the siblings are, that's genuinely shocking

what an incredible piece of hyperbolic misrepresentation. I see your username suits 🙄

What I think is not important. But it seems the OPs friends did feel that missing drinks was flakey. They presumably do know the ages of the OPs children and have an idea of their capability. Unlike any of us.

alternatively OP has 6 week old twins, a toddler with additional needs, 4 other DC under 13 and an axe murdering next door neighbour who is currently out on bail. In which case the friends are arseholes.

but in most cases a conversation where you attempt to understand the other persons perspective rather than moving straight to NC leads to a happier outcome for all.

So you got a kicking for her husbands misdemeanours?

Seriously, she punched you and her monkeys joined in, because HER dh hadn't bought her the shitty present she wanted???

Personally I would not throw the baby out with the bath water but I would be much more upfront if ever confronted again. She got passive aggressive, meet it with calling out her behaviour on the spot. “I’ve already explained my situation, I can see you are upset but honestly at this stage I can’t see what it has to do with me, I’m not a magician so I couldn’t magically sort the train, is there something else going on or do you just want me to leave, you are making this very unpleasant for me?”

She was completely in the wrong taking her feelings about her DH out on you but you know her better today than you did yesterday, you also know who her enablers are. Use that and be friends with the others and don’t go to anything the lap dogs are in control of.

Following your recent update, I think birthday girl just sounds like a spoilt brat!
Disappointed in her husband, angry at you for not attending her drinks 🙄, angry at not having enough gifts…. I don’t think I’d want a friend like this!

From your update OP it seems your birthday friend is a selfcentered moaner (you were late, she didnt open your present, other friends didnt bring her a present). Mssg her and explain you were upset at her reaction and see if she apologises. If she blanks the mssg then put the whatsapp on mute and tell them why. You are dealing with enough worries atm without shitty unsupportive friends too.

‘Birthday girl’ 🤢

Some adults really are pathetic. Imagine being so self-obsessed and worried about yourself that you get mad someone was late for ‘birthday drinks’.