Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

I'd have picked up the present on the way past...

@Summerdays24 They should have been pleased you managed to get there

Have you spoken to 'nice' friend since?

Maddy70 · Today 11:58
"As an isolated incident they seem horrific!

But...is there a back story? Are you often late?"

The OP has already answered this and she's not.

Friend A sounds incredibly self-absorbed and those who backed her up were awful too. In your position I would have nothing more to do with them, unless an apology was forthcoming

As an isolated incident they seem horrific!

But...is there a back story? Are you often late?

Wow. Half of them need to grow the fuck up - what are they? 12?

Even without all of your current struggles (which are a lot!), you text to say you were not going to be able to make drinks but would be there for diner so I genuinely don't know what their issue is. Your life doesn't revolve around them and you contacting them to explain and got to the main part - surely thats better than just not turning up.

They were incredibly rude to you and it was completely uncalled for and unnecessary.

I would be seriously unimpressed with them and wouldn't consider them friends anymore.

You did nothing wrong - they were absolutely vile towards you and you shouldn't want anything more to do with them going forwards.

That is an interesting take and quite plausible if they are aware of your husband's illness.

I'd put the WhatsApp group that you're in on mute for 1 year. You'll still get the messages but you won't be annoyed by the notifications (there isn't any mute option between 1 week and 1 year in case anyone is asking why for that long).

Then I'd stay in touch with the ones who were actually concerned for you. They are the ones that have shown in a situation like the one you were in, what a friend looks like.

If this is truly what happened, I'd have walked out and that would have been the end of that.

They are preparing to kick you out of the group because of your husbands illness. It happens. How you react now, be careful, they will make it look like it’s your fault

As for this bit - "The conversation has continued on WA about girls holidays as if nothing has happened" if I were you I don't think I could let the behaviour in the restaurant go without making reference to it, so something like this:

"Hi everyone, I was very upset by how A, Married with Children friend and others spoke to me at the restaurant. I was and am still recovering from major surgery and I and DH just received some devastating news about his health. I believe that I'm entitled to ask for an apology from the people who piled on, saying that I should have been able to make it to the drinks and also to the restaurant when circumstances didn't allow that to happen and after I had already let A know that I wouldn't be there but would make the meal. I also don't remember being thanked for the gift but I do remember A complaining that others hadn't brought a gift, so what is it to be? For the foreseeable, I won't be going on any holiday so be sure not to include me in the costs associated with same. I wouldn't want to anger anyone by not stating my position from the start."

I'm actually very angry on your behalf @Summerdays24. You deserve better friends than the ones that piled on at the very least.

Perfect 👍

I’d message the whole group, as it wasn’t just birthday girl who was out of order, then take a step back.

I'm basing this response entirely on your opening post @Summerdays24 , but I think Friend A needs to grow up.

Life has a habit of getting in the way of things. Friend A wasn't left alone for the drinks bit of the celebrations and you did text to let them know that you wouldn't be around for the drinks. The "Married with Children" friend who was able to get to both the drinks and the meal, well I would have retorted "Are you looking for a medal because you were able to get to both parts of the celebration?" or something like that, so why were they being so horrible to you?

You didn't do anything wrong that I can see.

I'd absolutely pull back from the friendship this lady and her acolytes. I wouldn't blow up the entire friendship group after 13 years but I wouldn't attend events at her house and I'd grey rock her in conversation.

@Summerdays24 Hi Op, sending hugs to you. It wasn’t like you’d stood up one friend and they were sat there alone- sounds like she had plenty people there for the drinks!

I’ve recently experienced this (currently got my own thread up) of friends turning on me when I also had a bad time. They aren’t real friends. Real friends don’t do that- especially as you didn’t have form for it either.

Dont worry at all about people who aren’t worried about you. Sending you lots of love, I know it’s so hard.

So she took her anger out on you.

I'd back away from her unless she apologised, and then be very cautious of her.

Keep in touch with the nicer ones.

What prompted such a venomous reaction was the birthday girls husband doung something wrong. OP was just the scapegoat. I also would have left early, possibly even immediately. But I'm not sure I'd be as forgiving as you. If you can actually do it though, kudos to you. I'm less tolerant. That kind of aggression would not be met with understanding.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks. I don’t feel I can compromise my friend further by asking her what I should do re: the group, but she did say she herself saw them in a new light.

So this is how I read it - birthday girl was upset and angry and feeling unloved by her DH. She then massively over reacted to you being late - seeing ias you also not prioritising her/being mean etc. Her core friends within the group backed her as they are sympathetic to how she feels.

But really, it's not okay.

I would send birthday woman a message saying that you were very upset that she was so aggressive with yoyu about being unavoidably late. You're not normally late, you apologised, and you made it in time for dinner and brought a nice gift for which she has not even thanked you. Tell her you understand if she has other things goign on in her life but this was extremely upsetting at a difficult time and you would really appreciate an apology. if she cant give you that, then it's time to move on.

I’ve had health issues the last couple of years that have meant either myself or dh (as he needs to look after me) have had to cancel last minute dinners drinks.

We’ve never been treated like this by our friends. Not once.

I’d have probably just walked out on her tbh and taken my gift with me.

Had it only been the one person I might agree but this was pack behaviour which carried on even after they had knowingly made OP cry and I just wouldn't be able to forgive that. It's downright nasty.

What were you supposed to do with your DC? Shove them in a cupboard?

I think it would depend on how much I liked her. If I wasn’t that fussed, I wouldn’t think twice about ending the friendship. If I liked her and could see that it was out of character, I’d be inclined to message her directly and say that you’d stayed quiet at the time because you were so shocked at her reaction and because you hadn’t wanted to have a row in a public place or make it even more awkward for the rest of the group, but now that you’ve calmed down, you want to know what the fuck that was all about. She knows you’re not in control of cancelled trains. It wasn’t a snub; there was nothing you could do about it and her response was completely irrational. It has been a nice friendship and you want to give her the chance to talk it out and hopefully resolve things. Is there anything she wants to talk about that’s causing her to say things so out of character? And then see what happens.

If she responds with an apology, and you value the friendship, then nothing is lost and she’ll understand for the future that you won’t tolerate her crap. If she responds negatively, then she’s shown you that she’s a shit friend and you can walk away knowing that nothing is lost.

It doesn't matter why you missed the drinks. Friends should not attack you like that. Your surgery and your DH's illness make how they treated you worse but you don't need to explain the hard time you are going through to them and try to excuse yourself. There are plenty of people in this world who will be nasty to us all we don't need it from 'friends'.

Can't believe they made you cry and didn't immediately apologise. Awful.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks. I don’t feel I can compromise my friend further by asking her what I should do re: the group, but she did say she herself saw them in a new light

Taking it out on friends because you have marriage problems, she deserves to have no one turn up for her birthday dinner next year.

@CocoapuffPuff

You really would be okay to be given such a dressing down in a restaurant that you spent the night in tears?

I don't believe you.

I don’t believe I said I’d be okay with being treated so poorly. Although honestly I’d have removed myself far earlier than the OP did so it’s difficult to imagine being in the receiving end of a dressing down that would leave me so distressed.

I did say that I wouldn’t write off 13 years of friendship on the basis of an isolated incident. And that is true. That’s not to say I’d ignore it or that the friendship would remain unchanged but - in the same way the OP expected her friends and us to consider her specific circumstances regarding her and her DHs health- I would want to explore what had triggered such a venomous reaction.

Blimey.

I’d be very tempted to send a message to the group laying out the basic facts

Yes you missed drinks because of a cancelled train and no one to look after the kids.

You let the group know this as soon as you did.

You were on time for dinner, complete with gift, and somehow this was wrong.

Ask them if they would leave their children alone not knowing when their father would be back?

Thank them for the last 13 years, but if turning up on time for a meal, with a gift (which you have not been thanked for) is cause for a public berating then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE.

Then leave the group. And block the arseholes

The decent ones will stay in contact and you’ll probably have a much nicer time without the mean girls.

Often these groups are rather superficial.
drinks and laughs. Can be great, but not always deep friendships and only for the good times