Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

No. Don't do this. Have them as individual friends. That doesn't mean you can't meet up together of course.

But then, this exposes people as sheep and not the kind of person you (I) would want to be friends with. They're pathetic with a herd mentality, not individuals.

Oh for Christ's sake read the full thread.

You can’t just go quiet though, this is where you have to question their awful behaviour. If you go quiet they will just think you are ashamed or something.

OP just to say it is utterly, utterly bizarre to me that they would have a go at you for missing birthday drinks. I'm afraid the best explanation I've seen on here is the pp who said they're jettisoning you because they can't be dealing with your husband's illness.

To be clear, I don't think that sort of thing happens consciously, there's probably no planning about it. It's just that more people than you'd think seem to operate on the notion that bad fortune is contagious, and that people with completely random bad luck in their lives are best avoided.

Sorry this has happened. Best of luck for your recovery and for your husband's treatment.

Glad you have seen from the responses to this thread that birthday girl (+ supporters) reaction was completely uncalled for.

Don't feel bad about reacting emotionally - you are going through a lot and the people you were expecting to be supportive instead turned on you.

I wouldn't be responding with a group message. But I also wouldn't be jumping to conclusions, at least about the group as a whole, that they are trying to ditch you to avoid going through a difficult time with you.

I would try and process the new information you have about them as individuals and as a group.

Bail on the bbq if you want (though do note this could reinforce bday girl's view of you as being flaky - wouldn't really care about that if I were you - be honest that you have a lot going on and not feeling up to socialising with big group - anyone who cares for and respects you and is worthy of your friendship will understand). Perhaps arrange some smaller meet ups with those who did stand up for you.

They are showing you what they are like - if fun bday drinks is what it's all about then you may want to step away from that for a time. But don't cut them all off if you think there are some genuine friendships there.

I've not read the rest of the thread beyond this point yet but this is a reason I avoid friendship groups as they are called. I just have friends.

There’s absolutely no excuse for grown adults making someone cry because they were late for drinks.

I agree that I think they’re probably trying to push you out because of your current circumstances (which I’m so sorry about, btw). You had a good idea for a response to these women on page 7 - I’d feel a lot better, personally, having told these women exactly what I thought about their behaviour before I stepped back.

Message the nice friend and let her know you’d like to keep in touch.

What on earth? There have been many times my friends cancelled or were late and I've shrugged it off. Life happens, that is the reality of being an adult with a life and responsibilities.

Some people really have main character syndrome where they think their birthday drinks should be the most important thing in other people's lives. YANBU and drop these "friends"

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks.

Birthday friend sounds like a mardy cow. And if her husband disappointed her in whatever way she should have been making more of an effort with those who bothered to turn up.

You say that on reflection you realise that she often takes the lead. Maybe that's why you haven't seen that side of her before, because she's had everything her own way.

For now, just go quiet and see what happens in the rest of the group. While it might seem now like they're behaving as if nothing happened it may have opened up a crack that will get bigger and you could possibly still end up with a group of four friends - the ones who stood up for you. If you leave the group you're leaving them all.

This is good. I would send this in the group. And also add that you did not even get a thank you for the present.

Honestly I don’t know if addressing the whole group is the right way forward - I’d probably contact A and ask if you can catch up to clear the air, as you’re still very confused about what exactly you did wrong. If she refuses, or acts badly, then I would message the group and say something like, “Despite my attempts to reconcile with A, it’s clear that she is so distraught by my lack of appearance at drinks that she is unable to overlook the extenuating circumstances and therefore it is time for me to remove myself from the situation. That way she can have the group for support for the trauma that she experienced that evening, and I can take care of myself and my own problems without worrying her.” Hopefully they’d recognise the tone and appreciate how completely ridiculous she is to be acting like something bad actually happened to her that night.

I'd have walked there and then. Keep in touch with the ones who stuck up for you but as for the rest? You don't need those kind of fake friends in your life, you've enough going on.

@DecafCanEffOff wrote a good response but I wouldn’t leave the group. I’d see if you can get acknowledgement/apology as it sounds like you deserve one. If you can scrape together some breeziness for bbq I’d try for that too.

No she said it at 9.45 and you didn't post until a couple of hours later.

I think the thread might be glitching out?

Friend A was completely put of order. However i might be tempted to overlook as a one off I suspect bad mood and the pre dinner drinks caused her to act this way.

I would not leave the group if only one other took friend A's side I would just think less of Friend A and the other one. In time they will prove it is was a bad day or that is their true character.

I would have nothing to do with the ones that were laying into you. How horrible. The ones that stood up for you are worth keeping though.

Yes, this. I would never see the ones who had a go at you ever again. That’s it. They know that you and your DH are having a tough time and they kick off over missing pre-dinner drinks? Unbelievably nasty.

Horrible behaviour op. Hope u ok. Yes limit your time with them going forward. You dont need friends like those.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. You have done NOTHING wrong. Your 'friends' are a spoiled, selfish bunch of superficial arseholes who clearly don't have what it takes to be a proper friend to you at this difficult time in your life. As everybody else has said, time to step back. There are much nicer people out there than them.

I have some idea of what you might be going through as my DH has just been diagnosed with incurable cancer and is about to start chemo next week. I don't know if your DH's situation is cancer also, but whatever it is I am terribly sorry and I know how devastating and tough it is to accept that this is the hand the universe has dealt you both, and your children. Use the time you might have spent with those false friends to spend even more time with your DH and those who truly love and appreciate you. Make as many happy memories with him as you can and resign those horrible women to history. By behaving as they have they have resigned themselves to the 'don't matter anymore' box. They aren't worth it. Better friends will come along with time.

Yes, it's really good. Except I might not be there for people who act this way.

@DecafCanEffOff has it expressed perfectly. Just send that.

Even if the OP were genuinely flaky (and it’s clear she had a valid reason) why is it honestly so desperately important she not miss the pre dinner drinks?

I really can’t imagine getting that upset over something that trivial. And ganging up to call you out with the other mum saying she has four kids? What is that all about?

Shit happens, things sometimes don’t go to plan. No one died.

It sounds as if this woman is a classic Queen Bee and it all has to be about her and her needs.

As PPs have said, I would step back from the ones who had a go at you. They sound vindictive and spiteful.

The thing is, friends are people you have a nice time with and, when you leave them, you feel good about yourself and whatever you did with them. This hasn't been something that the OP enjoyed or feels good about.

It is all right to feel taken aback at their reaction. This sort of pack behaviour usually stops in school - partly because whoever receives it avoids those doing it.

It is extremely important that you do not try to placate them. From the sounds of it, the birthday girl was already annoyed and was going to kick off at something, regardless of what it was. It was just that it was you on the receiving end.

I would be tempted to send a message to say that you were surprised and hurt at their reaction last week. This doesn't seem to be a healthy friendship for you now. As they know, your husband had some bad news recently. Therefore you are going to take some time away to concentrate on supporting him. (Or something like that).

Then just leave the group. Seriously, staying in the group and carrying on with meeting them will mean you'll be on tenterhooks waiting for the next kicking. Do you have the energy for that?