Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

537 replies

Summerdays24 · 03/06/2024 08:41

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

OP posts:
Roastiesarethebestbit · 03/06/2024 16:31

Urgh how shit. Good on you for backing off now that they have shown their true colours. Rubbish friends are worse than no friends at all!

BotDranning · 03/06/2024 16:31

Honestly you are better off away from them. The passive aggressive thumbs up - really. How old are they?
Well done for standing up for yourself. People like this aren't worth your upset.
Wishing you and your husband all the very best x

RobinEllacotStrike · 03/06/2024 16:30

I would have said "fuck you & your dinner" and left - but I can be a bit hot headed with dickheads.

There is no need any friend would speak to you like this especially in a group situation like that. I don't think they are good friends - sorry OP

WoolySnail · 03/06/2024 16:29

Honestly when this has all blown over a small part of you will be relieved. You don't need to be upset at losing friends, because they weren't your friends they were arseholes and you and your family deserve SO much better. They've show you who they are and your life will be so much better without them in it. Prayers/good vibes/ whatever you believe in for your husband and lovely family, they are the most important people (and you of course!) ❤️❤️❤️

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 03/06/2024 16:28

You've done the right thing sending that message. What a bunch of bitches.

bozzabollix · 03/06/2024 16:25

I really feel for you. These people aren’t worth your friendship.

Otherstories2002 · 03/06/2024 16:24

Summerdays24 · 03/06/2024 09:04

Yes explained I can’t leave the kids until he is back, but I would def be there in time for dinner.

Show quote history

Based on this it’s beyond bizarre. What did they expect you to do? Is this a common thing you do?

MsPossibly · 03/06/2024 16:24

So weird of your friends to be cross about a cancelled train - there's literally not a time when I meet my friends (including bdays!) that someone isn't late because of babysitter probs/transport/bedtime chaos etc etc - its just life right? Is there something else at play do you think?

wearemodernidiots · 03/06/2024 16:22

Summerdays24 · 03/06/2024 09:03

I really wanted to walk out, but I didn’t because I really didn’t want to ruin her night. She was complaining later that the others hadn’t brought her anything, but she didn’t even thank me for my present and just put it the side.

am just so gutted. Only one of the group texted to check if I was okay afterwards. The conversation has continued on WA about girls holidays as if nothing has happened.

What would I have done?

Turned and left on the spot. After taking the gift back.

What an absolute B*tch with a capital B.

You're well rid of that one.

And I think others are right, she and a few others are planning to dump you because of your husband's illness. Awful, awful behaviour. Hence why those individuals haven't responded to your message or apologised.

I'm so sorry.

Hotttchoc · 03/06/2024 16:21

it sounds like they were talking about you before you got there hence the pile on

are you often late?

they were still out of order

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 03/06/2024 16:18

If they treat their friends like this - how do they treat enemies?

So sorry you had to put up with this OP - I'm glad you had the strength to shake yourself free and that you do understand this is in no way your fault.

Trains are late every day. Being late because of one is pretty standard.

Why would getting to a birthday party on time ever be more important than keeping your children safe? Even if your friends were at the palace and the birthday girl was Queen Camilla, lateness was reasonable!

I guess that (while you have been occupied) your situation has been the subject of group conversation recently. The Queen Bee feels that she needs full attention back on her. Steering clear of her is the safest thing for you.

CorpusInterruptus · 03/06/2024 16:17

Oh and other women that went along with it are likely scared of queen bee turning on them. You are a million times better off out of that.

CharlotteLucas3 · 03/06/2024 16:15

Gosh, some people are mental aren’t they? OP it wasn’t acceptable for them to treat you like that even if you weren’t going through a difficult time.
They behaved like children….although that’s an insult to children.

CorpusInterruptus · 03/06/2024 16:13

PlayListHelpNeeded · 03/06/2024 15:25

I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

It sounds to me as if they'd half expected you to flake, and you did. I know you say you don't have form, but with the other stuff going on lately perhaps they feel you've been milking it all a bit for attention or sympathy.

Even without the surgery and DH's recent diagnosis, the simple fact is that his train was cancelled and you couldn't leave the kids until he was home, so all the other stuff is irrelevant really, and not worth mentioning in the context of not turning up for the drinks. So my guess is that they think you are being a bit of a drama llama. It's not for me to say either way whether they might have a point, I have no idea, but if they are not being understanding at a time when life is hard for you then they are not the friends you thought they were.

Edited

Holy shit. Drama Llama. Husband has life limiting illness. OP recovering from recent surgery. Still buys friend a birthday present and instead of bailing on an evening out when her husband’s train is late, makes it there anyway. Friend throws her toys out of the pram. And from that you think OP is the ‘Drama Llama.’

Hahaha, that’s hilariously off base. Who has time to be friends with someone that has that outlook.

3luckystars · 03/06/2024 16:13

you might not believe me but you will look back and be grateful this happened, you will be glad they showed their true colours and you didn’t waste any more time on them. Especially now.

My dad says ‘some people won’t like you, they are the wrong type of people’

Yes it is hard, it’s hurtful and it’s ok to be upset but you are better off with a small few good friends than a big gang of bad ones. You will be ok

diddl · 03/06/2024 16:09

Even without the news about your husband & you having had surgery it's a total overreaction by the birthday ex(?) friend.

A train was cancelled & that was that!

Other people managing with 4 kids-so what?

I'm guessing they either didn't need a sitter or one was there!

You made it for the meal which for me would be the main thing.

Drinks before I'd take as more optional.

NosyJosie · 03/06/2024 16:09

I would have left and not had dinner with them.

My own friendship group is breaking up now that our kids are not all in school together and there is one particular lady who triangulates to exclude this person or that person. This way she is always “in” across multiple groups. I spoke to her today about two close friends no longer seeing eachother (they used to be so so close) and it turns out that there was an argument about her. Shocker.

I had some illness many many years ago and the silence from my school friends was deafening. Most people only have 5-7 real friends and the rest are just seasonal.

Strawberriesaregoingoff · 03/06/2024 16:07

PlayListHelpNeeded · 03/06/2024 15:25

I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

It sounds to me as if they'd half expected you to flake, and you did. I know you say you don't have form, but with the other stuff going on lately perhaps they feel you've been milking it all a bit for attention or sympathy.

Even without the surgery and DH's recent diagnosis, the simple fact is that his train was cancelled and you couldn't leave the kids until he was home, so all the other stuff is irrelevant really, and not worth mentioning in the context of not turning up for the drinks. So my guess is that they think you are being a bit of a drama llama. It's not for me to say either way whether they might have a point, I have no idea, but if they are not being understanding at a time when life is hard for you then they are not the friends you thought they were.

Edited

Cannot believe your response!! 🤯

JohnSt1 · 03/06/2024 16:06

Summerdays24 · 03/06/2024 13:54

I have sent a WA to say I won’t be coming to the BBQ or signing up for the girls trip, and I was disappointed having made the effort to be there for friend A despite the stress we are under as a family atm, and they have been pretty unkind. I thanked the friends that were supportive.

Muted the chat.
I feel lighter for at least not having to go to the bbq. My sil has been lovely and has invited us there instead. I think I just need to be around good people.

I'm glad to hear you've sent this. She's probably gobsmacked that you dared stand up to her bullshit. What a vile person she must be.

Sorry to hear about your husband, and I hope you are recovering well yourself.

NoWayRose · 03/06/2024 16:01

This is so strange. Personally I would not be bothered if there were only seven instead of eight for the drinks part of a two-part birthday. It’s completely different to flaking where a person is say stranded on their own because the pair of you had bought tickets to something. Surely it barely impacts her? (Plus you had a valid excuse.)

I don’t understand how people can have any friends left if it takes so little to turn on someone

Fraaahnces · 03/06/2024 16:00

I am so furious on your behalf. I can tell you from my own life experience that one very good friend is so much better than a herd of acquaintances. You are right to be hurt but also to put your DH’s needs above that. I’m so proud of you. (Now give me her address. I need a really big patio.)

Noseybookworm · 03/06/2024 15:59

If there's genuinely no back story to this and it came out of the blue - I can't believe you stayed to be honest! I would have said screw you and left 🤷‍♀️ it's a birthday not some once in a lifetime event. What an entitled prick your 'friend' is!

BruFord · 03/06/2024 15:58

Summerdays24 · 03/06/2024 13:54

I have sent a WA to say I won’t be coming to the BBQ or signing up for the girls trip, and I was disappointed having made the effort to be there for friend A despite the stress we are under as a family atm, and they have been pretty unkind. I thanked the friends that were supportive.

Muted the chat.
I feel lighter for at least not having to go to the bbq. My sil has been lovely and has invited us there instead. I think I just need to be around good people.

Good for you, OP. You’ve called them out on their nasty behavior and your real friend in the group is backing you up. You’ll get over this, you have better friends than them. 💐

FirstBabySnnorer · 03/06/2024 15:55

It's horrible when you go through a hard time and realize how many "friends" are not really that, just a social group to go out with once in a while.

You've done the right thing. Step back, focus on the people that matter.

The birthday woman was absolutely horrible and I'd want nothing else to do with her.

Runsyd · 03/06/2024 15:53

Horrible, horrible, horrible thing for them to do to you. What a bunch of absolute bitches. Once you are over the upset and humiliation, OP, I hope you just feel immensely relieved to have these people out of your life. You deserve so much better. Surround yourself with lovely people and leave karma to sort out those vipers.

Swipe left for the next trending thread