Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

In my younger days I'd have done as you did and sat through it. Me now, would have got up and left tbh. Your transport fell through last minute in a way you had no control over, for which you had no need to apologise but had the courtesy to do so anyway. Birthday friend had the right to feel disappointed, but not to have a go at you over it, as for the pile on, others apparently saw it as an oppertunity to big themselves up, "I've got FOUR kids and i was on time!" being the prime example.

That's awful and must have been very hurtful at a stressful time for you. Some people do seem to show their true colours when their friends' lives hit a difficult patch.

I lost a lot of "friends" when my husband was unwell and had to have a brain tumour removed. I guess people feel neglected when they aren't the centre of attention all the time. You should get rid of them horrible selfish people

Oh my gosh , how ghastly for you. Don't be.embarrassed you cried I would have done the same at the shock the pain of such an unprovoked and cruel attack.

They err not you, you expected.to.arrive and find friends, not enemies.

Talk about the.mean girls from school.

Sounds like these horrible people should be filtered onto ex friends.list, as just not worth it.

Square your shoulders Darling lady, this is life, people and Earth.and you are obviously a lovely person whi will survive and thrive. Take heart, hang on, feel zilch embarrassment, keep going, and relish every ounce of decency others will.gift you as you travel.

Good luck to you and your family.

They weren't good friends. They were bad friends in disguise

What horrible fair weather friends. My friendship group turned on me when my baby was ill with a life threatening long term illness. I rather desperately/pathetically clung onto them despite this because I felt so vulnerable. As the years went by and her needs became complex and her autism and significant development delays became apparent and we were no longer able to go out for meals and drinks we were repeatedly made to look bad by them. I was angry and resentful for a long time and then I just quietly left every chat group and unfriended/followed them on social media. Grateful that they showed me who they were and that I’d finally listened. Some people are just tw*ts op. Stick to the few good ones. Best wishes to you and your husband.

Yes I agree a 13 year friendship but does she need this crap no. Im finding I dont need this drama in my 50s.

Y did u stay, I’d of left straight away, life’s too short for needless drama.

again, you've completely made this up, contrary to what OP actually said. Read the opening post again. At no point did the whole group criticise her.

Birthday girl friend said something first and 2 others agreed with her. Then one friend stands up for OP, then another one said something not ridiculously mean but a bit passive aggressive, then "the group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me."

So birthday girl and 3 others (half the group) were mean, the other half not only didn't join in but actively defended OP. I don't know what more you can possibly expect?
The only thing you can say is that the other half didn't jump in IMMEDIATELY to defend OP but
a) the original interaction would have taken, what, 30 seconds, a minute? It's not as though they sat there for half an hour watching OP get shouted at,
b) perhaps they were just a bit shocked and taken aback because birthday girls' outrage was so unexpected, or/and
c) perhaps they felt a bit awkward and didn't want to start immediately arguing in a the middle of a restaurant, or having a go at the person whose birthday it was. Some people are very conflict-adverse and sounded like it escalated very quickly. As soon as it became apparent OP was upset they did get involved and stood up for her.

Putting myself in that circumstance, I can imagine to be sitting there having a good time, chatting away, and then an argument starts out of nowhere, to not immediately realise exactly what's happening (e.g. that it's not a bit of banter or a minor spat) particularly after a few drinks.

In most circumstances NOT jumping into an argument that doesn't directly involve you is the normal/most appropriate way to react. 8 people all talking over each other and escalating the drama is hardly the best way to resolve a situation, and lots of people wouldn't immediately jump in all guns blazing but would feel they had to get involved when it became apparent one party was very upset.

Suggesting you cut people you've been friends with for 13 years out of your life completely because they were present when someone else was mean to you, but didn't say anything cruel themselves and in fact actively defended you, is ridiculously OTT.

Because to start with the whole group was criticising her-and let's be honest it's a really small thing and she let them know in advance she couldn't make it. Splitting into groups to disagree isn't really about supporting the OP it's about the group dynamic and establishing dominance, none of them had the well being of the OP in mind-which is why I would dump them.

how "systematically?" if it was ONE occasion and OP herself has said their reactions came as a complete surprise, rather than an ongoing issue?
and half the 'gang' stood up for her?
You also don't know that they did any of it deliberately or their reasons for doing so were 'due to their own petty insecurities.' Birthday girl might just have been annoyed OP was late and reacted badly, with no underlying manipulation or reasons.

That's certainly not to defend the way OP was treated, which was indefensible, but it's weird to impose reasons and explanations based on an interpretation of events that you've completely made up, with no evidence- in fact that CONTRADICTS the account that OP, the only person who was actually there and knows them, has given.

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences but it's ridiculous (and quite frankly misogynistic) to extrapolate that all (or even most) female friendship groups are 'pure fakery' because of it.

To be honest when women say things like that I think its usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - women aren't stupid, and anyone who side-eyes or rolls their eyes at 'school gate mums' or 'big groups of friends' or makes statements like 'I get on better with men,' 'women are so bitchy,' 'can't think of anything worse than attending a hen party (or other female focussed activity),' 'women's friendship groups are so high maintenance,' isn't someone they WANT in their close friendship group, you then feel annoyed and left out which 'supports' your theory that women are bitchy and mean...and on it repeats.

why 'ditch all of them' when half the group stood up for her?

At face value yanbu, but situations like you describe rarely happen in a vacuum…

MN has opened me up to seeing just how high maintenance, petty and childish some people are about birthdays and feeling special. Your dh's train was late, you can't control that. I'm sorry they behaved so appallingly self centered.

Keep in touch with the nice ones. Walk away from the others.

Yea I wouldn’t want to write off a 13 year friendship after one row either. Did your friends behave poorly = yes. But I’d be willing to hear them out once everyone has cooled off and drinks are no longer flowing. You never know, birthday girl may have had her own big announcement of something she was hoping to share so had been taken off guard and was more vulnerable than usual too.I think it’s ridiculous to be so quick to drop a 13 year friendship after one bad night.

This is horrible behaviour on their part. When you’re feeling strong enough, you could call your friend, or meet face to face on neutral territory (like a quiet coffee shop), and ask her why she was so upset. Check she got your text. Let her have her say. Then tell her how it made you feel. Depending on the outcome, either accept her explanation (and hopefully apology) or walk away.

Tbh, your account of her attitude to you, and then her complaints about no birthday gifts make her sound like a pretty horrible person. You may never know what’s going on for her, or the others, and it’s even harder if the kids are friends, but are you sure you want an energy like that in your life?

I don't mind anyone being late for a party, I'm just glad if they've turned up at all, even if it's fashionably late. I'm disappointed if hardly anyone shows up, but I don't get angry about it and don't complain about it.
Hoping that she apologises to you for taking out her frustration with her hubby on you.

Not quite the same, but...
My best friend was visiting me abroad and I sent another friend go on ahead to meet her and then finished work early to rush off to meet them both. My best friend didn't show up, my other friend and I waited about 3 hours, and trying to phone the B&B that she was supposed to be staying at that night, they had no-one with her name staying there. We were really worried about her.
She contacted the next day, turns out that she was travelling with 3 of her other friends (1 from school & 2 from work) and instead of meeting me when they got off the train, they'd decided to go straight to their B&B, but they'd booked under the name of one of the women from work, so I didn't know her name at that time. She said that she only realised after arriving that her phone didnt work there.
I was annoyed that she hadn't kept to our plan and left me waiting there for 3 hours. She used a payphone to contact me, but only the following day. I was apologetic to the friend who waited with me. But I've never complained to her about that. I was miffed, but got over it.

So I'm shocked and disappointed on your behalf that your friends made a fuss about you being late. You kept them informed and you showed up AND sounds like you were the only one to bring a present. I'm glad that there were others who tried to stand up for you though. The birthday girl was having a bad day before you got there but hoping she apologises for taking it out on you, and you can get back to how it was before that.
But otherwise, I agree, to keep in touch with the ones who were on your side.
xx

I’m sorry they were so nasty. I would want an explanation from the birthday woman.

I’m guessing the others would just leave their children on their own. Don’t sound like great people to be honest.

Of course you can’t just walk out and leave your children alone before Dad gets home.

Your “friends” behaviour is totally out of order.

Go silent on all of them. The ones who seek you out to see how you are, are your friends. Forget the rest.

Don’t they have anything more interesting to discuss than your lateness? What a boring toxic crowd.

@Summerdays24 you sound lovely. When I started reading your post and everything that was happening to you I assumed you would pull out of the dinner and drinks. But you went despite it all and got hell for it. Of course you had to wait for your DH to come home. I do wonder whether the friends who were mean just have no life experience of bad shit happening which is the only charitable explanation I can come up with. I hope they are feeling truly bad about themselves now. I reckon someone as nice as you seem will have no trouble finding new friends worthy of the name. Best wishes to you and your husband at an incredibly difficult time.

Grown women can be nasty. Hope u ok op. My circle is small a few friends. Less drama too.

Please ignore my message. I've obviously done it wrong and wanted to start a new post!

I’ve only just seen your post. I’m so sorry you went through this and just want to give you a hug. You sound like a very decent person and lovely friend to me. You informed her you couldn’t make the drinks part due to train but still turned up for the dinner. Many people would have just cancelled the whole evening due to travel problems and personal problems that you said you are going through. I had a similar set up years ago, albeit subtle to start with but I did see the signs that these friends were not my tribe at all. They would also have a gang up mentality, them against me. They would cancel on my birthday drinks out at the last minute, the Queen bee of the means girls would do the cancelling for all of them, using ridiculous reasons why they couldn’t come, one year was they’d been to one of their kids birthday parties about 6 hours earlier! In the end I saw the friendship for what it was: fair weather friends. I thought they were cool but they were and are just plain old fashioned mean girls. I would often hear them slag the other off when one got up to go to the toilet. That’s just not what friendship is to me. I reverted back to seeing my lifelong friends more often (my lifelong true friends were not keen on this group who were nicknamed the WAGS cos none of them worked and just lived off their wealthy husbands) it was a truly awful time. I’m glad that some of your group did fight your corner, please just see these friends, they sound kind but the others, just let them go. Life is too short. Focus on the ones who truly love you xxx

I am thinking of starting a degree level apprenticeship and attended a session whereby we could ask questions about the course. One question I asked was whether we would be allowed to complete assignments for the apprenticeship during working hours. The response I had was "No, we are giving you one day per week in uni so assignments must be completed outside working hours. Use flexi time or annual leave to complete them". This one day a week in uni is to attend classes, not to write assignments. I already work full time hours and I don't have extra time outside of this because I'm also a mum. Would it be unreasonable to challenge this before I've even applied for the apprenticeship? If I need to work outside of my usual working hours, I would not be able to apply.