To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

Why would you even have that conversation? I've been with DH over 40 years and the topic of physical abuse has never arisen. Because DH is not a violent, aggressive abuser.

I’m not trying to change your mind, I just disagree with you. You have an opinion, as do I. My opinion is that a partner shouldn’t make those sort of comments, particularly when they know that someone has had a violent partner in the past.

Maybe this just all depends on different relationships. If my DH said anything along these lines I'd be like yeah dickhead I'd slap you well harder...all in total jest because we get on great and there is zero abuse or animosity. So each relationship will be different in what is tolerated.

"if we are playing slaps" ?? Is this something people play?

He sounds deranged. I think enough responses here on the same theme of leave him should be the advice you should take. I know it's not always easy or practical to just pack bags and go but staying with him will only ensure a very unhappy future.

So many red flags.

@WirralCyrille I disagree. You telling me why you think I’m wrong isn’t going to change my mind.

But as I said it’s up to the OP to move on if that’s what is best for her. I’m guessing she’s looking for support here (which I unreservedly give her) and not a what should I do in this situation.

But he’s the one that suggested violence in the first place - “I’m surprised you haven’t slapped me, but I’d punch you back if you did”. This isn’t a normal conversation in my opinion, to me it very much sounds like he’s trying to put OP in her place.

You are not being unreasonable. Decent men would never speak to their partners like that. Get out of the relationship fast.

He made up the scenario. OP has never threatened to slap him.

I’m with you… he is clearly saying he wouldn’t be the aggressor but he would retaliate in kind.

That being said @ThisIsMyNameOkay you do sound like you have things to work through so maybe file this relationship in the ‘wrong time’ category and move on

It's a deal breaker that he was shouting and swearing at you, surely?

Get rid of the wife beater

You're not being dramatic or dumb, the way he's behaving is specifically to make you feel that way. He's engineered an argument because he wants you to feel bad and grovel. These are all big glaring red flags that your previous horrific experience has made it hard for you to see.

Please leave him, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I hope you have more luck with CBT, don't be afraid to keep shopping around for the therapy or treatment that works best for you, everyone is different so there's no one size fits all when it comes to mental health. Look after yourself.

He sounds like he is verbally abusive or emotionally abusive,whatever you want to call it.

Leave. He's abusive. And he has told you it will be your fault he hits you. 2 years is nothing. You don't feel safe, that's becuase of his behaviour. Not your past.

My ex was abusive, took much longer than 2 years to even need to threaten me. But I always knew he had that in him, I always knew even if I hit him playfully he would hit me. I have never felt afraid of DP for even a fraction of a second. He would never ever so much asraise his voice to me, never mind his hand. There is nothing I could do to him to make him hit me. I know that for a fact from the depth of my soul. You're entitled to feel that safety.

I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).

this isn't a joke he’s giving you an answer to a genuine question. He is not happy with your reaction to the answer so now he is backpedaling and being aggressive in his defence/response to get you to backdown and feel like you’re overreacting.

listen to it because one day something will happen and his defence will be well I told you years ago.

even if you take this out of it. You both are not working together so why flog the dead horse?

My suggestion would be to leave BUT stay single (not even a casual relationship) and get some decent therapy and do the freedom program.
abuse is insidious it removes boundaries so in new relationships you tolerate things you shouldn’t because “it’s not as bad” or it’s “different to last time” or “he’s not hitting me” “it must be me” and a myriad of other excuses because you can’t actually see things clearly.

then when you have rebuilt yourself then maybe think about meeting someone.

ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE ALONE THAN TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESNT TREAT YOU RIGHT.

' current partner ' do you live together ?
did you move in with him or he move in with you, or you found somewhere together ?
mortgaged or rented ? whose name is the tenancy in
do you have children ?

Yes, it’s definitely the right time to walk away.
You said earlier that there have been a lot of arguments and he’s saying you’re the issue all the time. This is enough of a reason to end it, even without the horrible conversation about hitting.

Can you leave right now? It's too late today, but in the morning? This is terrible- you poor thing! No one should ever have to cope with this kind of abuse.

I'm gonna get flamed here but I don't see anything wrong in how the conversation flowed. All I can see is him saying if he got slapped he would slap you back??

You are not being dramatic or dumb. Please take care and LTB

Leave him and do the Freedom Project. I'd seek counselling for your past trauma. There's also the fact that your vulnerability will attract abusive men.
Best of luck
Oh, and well-done for recognising the red flags

Do you live with him? How easy would it be for you to leave?

Trust your instincts OP and get out of this relationship.

'if I was going to beat you up I would've done it by now'

This line is a screaming red flag.

Stay safe