To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

That’s not true!
Tbh it sounds like he is leading up to it.

Op you deserve better .
He has deliberately scared you , he is trying to make you know your place .
You should plan to leave .

I actually don’t think this is a bad idea at all OP. Just make sure he can’t find out. And make a promise to yourself that you won’t make excuses for him

Okay I've just read your latest update that you have children.

Don't meet with the ex. What is the point? Again: you know what you saw and heard. Safeguard your children and bin him!

The fact you’re even having to find out verification for his behaviour is a huge red flag. You don’t need to see his ex to have it verified, your instincts already know you need to leave this man for your own safety (mental and physical).

This. He is abusive but your perspective is warped and you're not seeing it because he isn't as bad as your ex (yet). That's not your fault but you really need to listen to the advice you are getting here for your sake and for your daughters.

if you keep on allowing this to happen surround your daughters you are showing them how they can exoect to be treated themselves, if you don't do it for yourself do it for them, and learn from it so you don't repeat this again and again

OP NEVER bought up the idea of violence, he did and then when she said she wouldn't be violent, he escalated to threating her with violence. Every single suggestion of violence was HIM, so how do you think its ok that he said any of it. The conversation was driven by him. Its his conversation and her contribution was I wont be violent and his was to threaten her. How can you possibly think this is an ok thing to say to someone who has been beaten up by their previous partner. Its a disgusting way to treat a loved one who has PTSD from s violent relationship.

Im going to hide this now because I can't deal with people excusing abusers like this. I hope the trauma therapy helps you OP and that you can get find your way safely away from men like this. I wish you all the best.

Just read your update. This sounds sensible if you have support in real life. I would put some distance between yourself and him while you talk to his ex. Can you go and stay with someone? If you're worried about him finding out and his reaction that is also a signal from your subconscious mind...stay safe.

He's warning you. Honest to God, his subconscious is warning you and himself. He's playing with the idea in his mind, finding the right justification...in the end you won't even need to slap him first. You'll touch him in an argument and his mind will make the connection to this visualisation and that will be all it takes I imagine. And then afterwards, depending on how self aware he is (doesn't sound like he is very..) he'll just lie to himself and you even if he feels bad about it. 'Well she slapped me, well she was going to slap me, so....' And then if it's really bad...he'll just hit you anyway because you're making him feel bad about himself just by existing because he knows deep down it's him...but...ah it's exhausting. Please protect yourself and dump him.

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work)

OP, read this back - you've written this as if you genuinely think it's normal for someone to treat their partner terribly because they are tired or stressed. Is that was you believe? Because it really, really isn't the way things should be.

Have you considered the Freedom Programme?

Don't you deserve better than this?

Please please please don’t doubt yourself. You’ve probably been gaslight for so long that you haven’t learned to trust yourself properly. The reaction you’ve had to him tells you all you need to know. I would leave now.

What's your point? If this is PTSD because that doesn't make it ok. This isn't warning a loved one, that would involve a discussion of their fears, maybe asking for support while they seek help, maybe him saying they need to live apart while they deal with it. Nowhere does it involve telling someone who's been through DV and is also traumatised that you might lash out and punch them.

womensaid.org.uk

Leave him. Now.

He is setting the background work so that WHEN (and it will be when, not if) he hits you, you will be clear that of course he is only retaliating because you have done X, Y or Z.

When someone shows you who they are, listen. And he’s put it in 10 foot letters.

@ThisIsMyNameOkay are you OK? Can you leave when he goes to work? Have you got somewhere to go? You need to go, please go xx

He's gaslightling you, this 'conversation' was all on him. If he'd been in a violent relationship before I'm sure you wouldn't be making him feel unsafe with 'jokes' about DV because that's not how good people behave to any loved one let alone a loved one who's suffered DV. He's not a good person, the fact he hasn't beaten you up doesn't mean he's a good person. Unfortunately you've ended up with an abuser again.

I have read that violent reflex is not uncommon amongst military veterans as a result of PTSD amd living under combat conditions where you need to be hypervigilant at all times.
He knows he has a problem and is warning you

@Graciiee also never did he use the word slap for himself, he said he would punch her and also that he would punch her harder.

I know for a fact my man would never even play slapsies with me as he doesn't agree with hitting a woman either. And I know if I slapped him he wouldn't retaliate he would either constrain me or try to walk away unless I threatened his life, of course I would never hurt him but he would never lay a finger on a woman unless protecting his or his families life.

OP most therapists won’t do specific trauma work if someone is currently in an abusive situation. So that’s something to think about. If you want the CBT for PTSD to work, you really need to reflect on your current relationship.

It can be hard to recognise abusive behaviour when you're in the situation . But shouting, threatening, aggressive. You definitely deserve better. Walk away now before it escalates.

The whole "I would have done it by now" is delusional too, he obviously knows nothing of abusive relationships because a lot of abuse doesn't start til years down the line when they feel comfortable enough to get away with it.

It's also a pretty sick joke to make to someone who has been abused. I would walk away just for that.

Oh you’re just being deliberately obtuse.

I have had a violent relationship like you.

My boyfriend reacts with absolute horror at the point of view of any man hitting anyone. On our third date which finished at 11.30 pm in a city centre after a concert and drinks he walked me to my bus stop and waited with me. He was very lovely about it and said - I will walk down with you to your bus stop and wait with you before I go to mine. It was lovely. His viewpoint is - in an ideal world a man and woman should feel totally safe at whatever time walking to a bus stop but it’s not an ideal world and that’s pretty grim but in the meanwhile he will walk anyone to a bus stop.