To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

Maybe have a think about why you're always in the minority?

The OP needs to get away.

The relationship sounds dreadful anyway, let alone with the threat of violence overhanging her.

You are co-dependent. You are gone off to the ex girlfriend to talk about the man.
Rather than leave the man who is already verbally abusive to you.

High maintenance men attract women who have learned to put their own needs aside.

These men know that either lovebombing you or picking a fight gets 'control' of you. By doing that, your lamp of attention gets swivelled away from you and your feelings, your interests, your life, talk of your family and friends and your enjoyment, onto them.

They try to train you to have a single interest when you are around them, and that interest is them and their well-being.
Lovebombing falsely makes you think it's all about you, but it's part of the training you are receiving to have your mind filled with him, and him alone.

Ultimately once picking fights loses its power because the dose isn't working, then hitting someone really, really gets the other person's attention.

Women think they can 'control' men by carefully managing, monitoring and analysing, explaining away and excusing and tolerating the man's difficult emotions and their difficult behavior.
That's co-dependance.
Because the man becomes a project to manage and that keeps the woman from tackling her own emotions.

Unfortunately women are socialised like this, as rescuers, soothers and receptacles of men's emotional parts, and we often learn codependence from our own upbringings.

OP, you are focusing on the wrong thing.

Even if your partner has never hit a woman in his life, he is STILL a nasty piece of work. He’s a bully who verbally abuses you and shouts at you and then blames you for being hurt by the nasty things he says. Not all abuse is physical. Even if he promised never to hit you, that doesn’t mean he’d be a nice man. You must understand that you should be setting the bar a lot higher than “doesn’t hit me”, surely?

Please leave this man. He’s horrible and he’s treating you like shit.

Stay safe and trust your instincts. You know what he’s saying that there is something not right

He is already abusive as he takes his mood out on you albeit currently verbally, he has also indicated he would always retaliate and harder that isn't appropriate even if you did slap him

My abusive ex used to frame it as me not taking a joke too.

Like you I went from one abusive relationship to another and was a few months/years in each time before I realised as they never start off like that. In fact they love bomb so it looks like they are amazing compared to your ex. My advice is don't be upfront about your history in the future until you are a few months in- I think mentioning you have been abused puts a big target in your head as an easy victim. Once I waited to share this I found a partner who was not at all abusive

If you haven't already you should do woman's aid freedom program. Most helpful thing I ever did.

Talk to the ex if you want but regardless of what she says you need to get out of the relationship. As others have said leave before he knows you are leaving for your safety

But this isn't a throwaway comment from a decent, caring guy who momentarily failed to engage his brain.

He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work)

At the very best, this is a bad-tempered, angry man who lashes out at his partner when the world isn't going his way. At worst, he is an abuser who is ramping up his abuse. Either way, the OP shouldn't be expected to put up with it, and should be supported to put herself and her daughters first.

Imagine him having a similar conversation with your daughters to keep them in line?
Even if this is all there is to it and there is nothing more.... It's already too much.

I agree with this. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and years. There was physical intimidation but never anything more but I think that’s because I was always doing as I was told. The one time I didn’t, after being together for over a decade, I got hit.

OP - please have somewhere to go tonight with your children and important documents / treasures.

I would be concerned about how this man will respond if he finds out you’ve met with his ex.

“you went behind my back” “you’ve betrayed me” “you’re looking for a fight” “you’re ganging up on me” “you started it…”

I can see what you’re saying, and maybe, just maybe, it would be an acceptable comment in certain situations. But it’s not right for OP. She has PTSD due to former abuse, and her partner knows that. He should be avoiding saying things like that at all costs, and if he isn’t, then he’s not the man for her.

People like you make it very hard not to derail a delicate thread.

Do not, ever, equate strength with being a victim or survivor of domestic violence.

You have gone from one abusive relationship to another.

He was priming you so when he shoves/barges you out of the way he can say "you did it to me three weeks ago so you have to forgive me" even if you didn't. He will say him throwing stuff at the wall in anger is the same as you dropping that mug last month. He is starting to blur the lines, he is putting the confusion in your mind, he is making you walk on eggshells. It is starting.

Get rid, no man is worth this. Go meet his ex for a coffee.

I have been with my husband for 29y years and have never posted on a message board for advice. I have really high standards of the behaviour I expect from a partner and am married to a thoroughly decent man.

Having a low bar does not mean you are ‘strong and practical’.

You say it was you that got the messages from the ex but him that blocked her? Did he have access to your social media/email?

If you feel it will help to meet her just to clarify why she wanted to speak to you so much then of course, do it. I find it concerning that after two years she's still willing.

Whatever the outcome of that conversation (& he must NOT be made aware!) the best thing for you is to be shot of him for both yourself & your daughters. Everyone deserves to feel safe & after this it will be impossible for you to have that very very very basic right.

No, just a strong, practical person who doesn’t take offence or read more into anything than there needs to be. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been in a stable relationship for nearly 30 years knowing we are equals. Never had to post on MM or any other forum for relationship advice etc. Mo need to send me flowers - I can grow my own 😀

Just read your update. You should just split up with him and not bother going to see his ex- the trust is totally gone. You don’t believe him and you’re obviously willing to go take some random persons version of events. It’s ok to walk away if it doesn’t feel right - you don’t need evidence or other people stories.

@Whatevershallidowithmylife I’m so sorry you’ve been raised to believe it’s ever ok for anyone to “joke” about hitting you. It’s not ok, it’s never ok, and I sincerely hope you get some support for whatever awful thing you’ve faced that’s led you to think that a situation like this is the OP’s fault. You must be seriously damaged

Get out while you can

I know I’m always in the minority but he made a throwaway comment and you reacted (understandably). However if it was me I would feel you had effectively just accused me of being a wifebeater. If you need him to clarify and say the words you obviously don’t trust him. As for he’d slap you back if you slapped him - quite right - someone slapped me - make it female I’d bloody slap them right back. You obviously have trauma but that’s not his fault.

There are plenty of nice men around who don’t behave like this.

My DH doesn’t shout at me or joke about physical violence.

Leave this man and find a better one.

Exactly this.

It is not normal or a sign of a healthy relationship to meet up with your partner’s ex to try to find out if he was violent with her. It is not normal or a sign of a healthy relationship that it would even enter into your brain to do this. The fact that it has, and that you’ve entertained the thought, should be a massive flashing sign to you that you’re in a dangerous situation.

I know you probably don’t want to be alone and that you’ll have feelings for him and won’t want to leave him unless you have to, but exactly how far down this road are you going to go before it’s enough? How far are you willing to go before you’ve got enough of a reason to leave him? He’s just described himself as being a bastard to you and has frightened you to the extent that you’ve contacted his ex. Where is your line in the sand?

This is not a good man. He doesn’t become a good man simply because he’s not as bad as your ex. Cast your mind back to the first time your ex frightened you or said something that made you think it wasn’t right. Don’t you wish you’d walked away then?

OP he sounds awful, angry and immature with his outlook. I wouldn’t stay with him after that. Relationships can have their ups and downs but what you have described is someone who likes to cause arguments and make you feel like shit. That’s not acceptable. I don’t necessarily think it is a bad idea to meet with his ex. But based on what you have told us already, I think it is enough reason to end the relationship. Not sure the ex reinforcing that he is an arsehole is going to add much more clarity to the situation, you can see from pp’s that the majority think he’s a terrible partner. Sorry this has happened to you. I hope the CBT is helpful. 💐

I was assaulted 20 years ago. 10 months later my then boyfriend was showing me a wetsuit balaclava (wearing it himself) and he came to tickle me and I slapped him across the face as hard as I could. It was totally involuntary I just freaked out. (Fight or flight I suppose).

My boyfriend apologised for scaring me, hugged me and would have never considered hitting me back. I married him and there has never been an incident again where I went unto fight or flight with him thankfully.

Your boyfriend is showing you who he is. Believe him.

What if she tells you that he was never violent, was respectful and treated her well? I mean it's highly unlikely but let's just say this meeting with her doesn't give you the answers you need or clarity. What will you do?

Because realistically you can't stay with him without telling him you met her but also he sounds unhinged enough to punish you for meeting her.

I think, ultimately, the relationship needs to end. Still speak with the ex, you've nothing to lose, but make sure you're very, very far away from him when he inevitably finds out about it.