To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

This is a really sensible thing to do. Also, you don’t need to gently see if his behaviour comes up. When you have become comfortable with each other and if she seems alright, you can just ask directly. Women supporting women is a good thing. Take care of yourself 💐

He absolutely engineered this so that he could blow up and ascertain how far he could push her.

He’s an abuser. The OP needs to leave.

Apply for a Claire's Law check on him. He seems to enjoy making you worried imo. Ltb and don't look back. After an abusive relationship it is easy to slip into another one. You deserve better. And he needs never to be around your dd until you dump him.

Just in this point. It is impossible for 1 person to be the issue in arguments "all the time".

Unless in the case of violence. Then 1 person is absolutely the issue.

Leave. Now. You are not the issue in this particular case. Leave.

Leave. You’ve escaped a worse situation. Get out of this one before it gets worse.

its a red flag to me when a partner makes threats/warnings apropos of nothing, like warning you what they’d do if you did something. Like “well if you did ever hit me I’d hit you back”. Like, ok? Thanks? I’ve not even done anything remotely wrong and you’re spelling out what you’d do to me if I ever did? Disgusting behaviour, especially from someone who knows your past.

SERIOUSLY get out.

Something doesn't feel good at all about this.

I agree. @J0S has really hit the nail on the head.

I interpret this as him telling you he wants to hit you. And he means it.

Leave.

Great post 👏

It's a veiled threat. Your gut is trying to warn you. Time to leave, OP.

I know it's hard, but please don't put yourself back in the position of being in another abusive relationship.

Definitely stay single until you've finished your counselling.

Wishing you all the best for your future.

Well done. This is sensible. See what she says - I bet she was reaching out to warn you.

Regardless of living in fear he will hit you, this doesn’t sound like a very pleasant relationship. Do you love spending time with him? What does he bring to the relationship?

You obviously have doubts, you seem to be walking on egg shells, arguing, asking if he will hit you?! I don’t think any of that is normal.

If you meet his ex and she says he was abusive, what do you plan to do with that information? I wouldn’t tell him what you’ve done, I would end the relationship - if nothing else it sounds like hard work.

I think it’s fine to meet up with his ex. Just make sure that he NEVER finds out. Not now and not ever. That’s very important for her safety as well as yours.

Do NOT even think about using anything she says to justify to him why you are leaving him . So many women in your position think they have to persuade their partner that he is an abuser and get him to admit it before they can leave him.

So they collect “ evidence “

My counsellor says you are abusive.
I posted on Mn and everyone agreed with me.
I read this book and you are just like the lesson in chapter x , here read it and see that I’m right.
I met up with your ex and she says you abused her.

Collecting evidence is good, if the purpose is to convince YOURSELF a that you need to leave. Using it to persuade him that he’s wrong his pointless and dangerous.

You need to leave an abusive man in as low key and low drama way as possible . Eg

getting a job elsewhere so you have to move away
saying you think you are depressed and need time to work on yourself
going grey rock and fading him out ( easier if you are not living together )
saying vague things like “ it’s not working for me anymore” or “ I realise I’m not ready for a relationship “

It’s a really bad idea to tell him the truth. That will just trigger his need to retaliate and punish you for leaving him.

Remember that “ wife beaters “ don’t think that are wife beaters, they think they are retaliating because she did bad stuff first. Like disrespecting him, leaving the house messy, looking at another man the wrong way, undermining him with the kids, wearing the wrong kind of clothes etc, winding him up.

Thats why they justify hitting her, because she asked for it. That’s what he meant when he said he would hit back. So she says something he doesn’t like, and he hits her ,so it’s her fault . She started it .

That’s what these men tell themselves, they are not wife beaters they are good guys who had a moment where they were pushed over the edge by her totally unreasonable behaviour . Any man would have done the same. And besides they were tired after work / had a few drinks / their team lost the match so they were stressed, so it’s not their fault.

Aside from him being a really nasty person - "He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work)" this struck me.

There's a difference between being a bit short tempered and snappy and treating other people badly just because work is a bit tough. He's angry and bitching at you because he's tired? You are not his punchbag.

He's bad news. Most men would never ever hit a woman no matter what, and that's what you need to hear OP.
Not that there's any reason you should hit him first but he's made it obvious he'd not only hit you back but would do it harder. Nasty man.

No, just a strong, practical person who doesn’t take offence or read more into anything than there needs to be. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been in a stable relationship for nearly 30 years knowing we are equals. Never had to post on MM or any other forum for relationship advice etc. Mo need to send me flowers - I can grow my own

And this helps the OP how?

Any normal man would understand what a sensitive subject this is for you and would jump to apologise for the insensitive “joke” and would do anything to reassure you that you’re safe with him.

The fact that you're even having a conversation like that means it's time to go.

Please don’t do this. Don’t try and belittle victims of domestic violence by implying that they’re in that situation because they’re weak or impractical. I hope it wasn’t intentional and it was just really clumsily worded, because otherwise that would be a really shitty thing to say. Can you imagine what it would feel like to be a woman who is already doubting everything she’s thinking? She reads your post and comes away thinking that she’s in her position because she’s not strong or practical. How is that not going to make her feel worse?

It’s very easy to brush something off as a joke when you’ve got 30 years of knowing that your partner isn’t ever going to raise his hand to you or isn’t going to try and frighten you or manipulate you into thinking you’re going insane. You wouldn’t take offence if your partner said it because you know that there is no intent behind it. That’s not necessarily the situation here. You aren’t better than the OP because you’ve had the experience of knowing that you’re safe and in an equal partnership. You’re just lucky. You’re lucky that there were either no red flags or that your life experiences taught you to recognise them and have the self esteem to walk away. So you grow your own flowers 🙄 and enjoy them. But don’t try and piss on anyone else’s metaphorical flowerbed.

This.

Too many red flags there.

You don't need to meet his ex to realise you need to be away from this man. I hope you find the strength to do so.

It would be very wise to have that conversation with his ex. I think you know why she tried repeatedly to reach out and this has brought you to a place where you're ready to investigate.

'She's crazy, she's a psycho' is a very familiar tactic abusive men will use about women who stand up to them, or who know things about them that might get out. Damage limitation.

It seems you haven't fully processed what your abusive ex did to you and may have gone into this relationship with someone similar. Familiarity can seem comfortable, even when it's toxic.

I think you said he was in the military? I wonder what he might have experienced or done? And why he might have chosen to get into a relationship with a vulnerable woman who'd already been subdued by an abuser?

Have a civilised coffee and a chat with her. Put aside any suspicion she may be trying to stir it, ask the important questions and listen to the answers and compare to your own experiences.

This is a bloody brilliant post and I wish I knew all of this sooner

I have been in an abusive relationship,a previous marriage,and I would have been very frightened by that interaction. He's not the man for you,in fact he's not the man for anyone. You deserve much much better.