To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

OP, he is savouring your fear, enjoying the feeling of power that he has.

I have to say, although he sounds like a right arse and you should leave him, it's not a terribly awful thing to say that if you were slapped you'd have a reflex reaction to retaliate. If a woman said this to a man it would not be thought badly of. The alternative is expecting a man to just let himself be physically abused. I think it was a silly conversation.

A year or so in me and then dp had a row. Probably the first and only real one.. I was upset and he stepped towards me. I flinched. He started crying absolutely gutted I thought he could ever lay hands on me. He was stepping in to hug me. Bad memories can affect us long term op. But your bf seems to be enjoying using it against you. Hopefully he is an ex before tomorrow..

OP this man is attracted to you because he senses that you (due to your previous relationship) will be easy for him to dominate. He is a clear threat and you should get away from him.

End the relationship immediately. It isnt true that if he was going to hit you he would have done it by now. This is how he is starting his abuse of you.

His reaction was odd, I’d expect a reasonable person to answer ‘of course I’d never hit you!’ and leave it at that. Although to be fair I wouldn’t expect the subject to come up in the first place.

His reaction is telling you everything you need to know, I’d move on or it will always be in the back of your mind even if he is just in a bad mood.

This behaviour escalates.

You have children.

You know what you need to do. Let us help you do it.

I'm gonna get flamed here but I don't see anything wrong in how the conversation flowed. All I can see is him saying if he got slapped he would slap you back??

Well you either weren't reading closely or you are very naïve then. This man deliberately engineered a completely unnecessary and goady conversation about domestic violence with a female partner who he knows has PTSD from a violent relationship. He set up an imaginary scenario where he would be justified in hitting her because she'd hit him (which she would never do). Then he ranted and raved at her when she dared question him about it.

This man is a wrong 'un, OP. It is very common for survivors of abuse to walk straight into another abusive relationship. It sounds to me as though he's testing the ground to see what you'll tolerate.

WTF is going to happen when he finds out you have had a tete a tete with the ex OP?

If you are having to ask these questions, you need to leave. He is softening you up for a clattering.

Run don’t walk. You don’t need this in your life

She already said she would never hit him so not a normal flow of conversation-it wasn't at all necessary to say it
She has PTSD from a past violent relationship
He has been horrible to her in the lead up to this
He wouldn't confirm that he wouldn't hit her or acknowledge how uncomfortable the conversation would make her, he is instead gasslighting her

In what world is that behaviour okay???

All of this.
Why on earth would you allow this horrible person in your life?

You don't need to be in a relationship, you know. Can't you just focus on your children?

A big red flag for me is him introducing the idea of a hypothetical game 'playing slaps' and telling you he would win with the harder slap. So-called 'play fighting' is often a way abusive men introduce violence, as a way of softening up their partner for physical abuse, seeing how far they can push things before the woman protests, then she's told she can't take a joke, she's spoiling the fun, etc.

You need to walk away. His reaction says everything. Actually I'd run not walk.

Get rid.

This man, in his own words, is a bastard to you. Yet you think you need to meet his ex to get more info before you decide if you should end this relationship? Why? Do you think just because he doesn't hit you it means he's a good guy? He's very clearly not, and it's scary that you don't see that. You have children. You have a responsibility to not bring bastards into their lives.

To get a clearer perspective just imagine yourself behaving how he does and ask yourself if you’d behave like that.

Also, be careful leaving. He sounds aggressive and often men become more aggressive once they know you’re leaving and they have nothing left to lose.

Meet ex by all means but regardless of what she says you need to leave this man now!
He is showing you who he is, you don't need confirmation. You have to protect your girls and yourself.

I also have ptsd from a violent ex etc etc etc. You need to not be with this person.

I echo other comments that I’d also meet up with the ex. It’s easy for him to label her a psycho and block her to avoid having to deal with her. However, you’ll be the judge of that. I think it’s interesting that she’s only contacted you, not him (from what I understand?) That’s not an obsessive ex trying to get back with him. That’s a woman with a message for you alone. If you meet her and she warns you about him, you’ll be glad that she cared enough to protect another woman. And of course, don’t tell him.

Run. He’s just told you that if he wanted to, he’d punch you. Even if you slapped him first, his own strength / size and military training mean he could find various ways to stop you without using them excessive male force of having to ‘punch you back, harder’.

Dear OP, others have probably said this but it's worth repeating. If your DP knows your history then the only thing he should have answered to your question about whether he would ever raise his hands to you is reassuring you with love that he would not. Anything else is insufficient and you deserve better. You deserve to feel safe and secure and know with 100% certainty that your partner would never hit you.

Yes leave him, he's scum

I would meet the ex, and Clares Law as well but meeting the ex will get you some answers sooner I think.

Echo the others, do not EVER let him find out about this meeting.

Get out asap.

🤔