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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s selfish for parents to retire early when their kids are renting?

588 replies

Lesbeavinu · 02/06/2024 22:45

Dh has decided he is going to retire at 59. He has a great government pension and private pension/savings. He earns a decent £50k a year (same as me) and we have no mortgage.

I said that dh should continue working for another year or 18 months and gift the money to dd for a flat deposit.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 04/06/2024 00:17

Maybe you can get a second job to raise the money for your child's deposit?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 03/06/2024 23:38

BeaRF75 · 02/06/2024 22:51

Or he could enjoy his retirement, given that he has worked hard for years. And your adult child can save up for a deposit just like we all had to. This infantilising of capable working adults just because they are your offspring is absolutely crazy..... this gentleman has more than done his bit.

Exactly. Well said.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2024 23:22

I’m just shocked that the OP hasn’t come back!

What a windup!

But good discussion from it. I’ll end my participation with what I told my mum years ago when she mentioned inheritance…

”Anything you leave me will be appreciated but I hope you spend it on yourself because if I need it I’ve failed at being an adult and don’t deserve it.”

I think you can guess my stance on thinking parents should work longer to support grown ass adults!

No Way Wow GIF
greedisunappealing · 03/06/2024 23:18

WearyAuldWumman · 03/06/2024 23:08

That honestly hadn't occurred to me. I guess it's possible.

I'm also not the only commenter who's thought it. She could have come back and responded and added details so easily. Maybe she'll turn up at the last moment and respond convincingly proving me wrong, but I doubt it.

Proserphina · 03/06/2024 23:14

a) No one is entitled to 'spend' someone else's life, however convenient that might be for them.

b) I don't want to come over all Kirsty Allsopp, but you know, those of us that weren't born to wealth, led pretty basic lives in order to buy first homes in earlier decades. Think no overseas holidays until the age of 30, no car, no meals out or takeaways, no mod cons, (B&W TV and no washing machine until into the 90s). No gap years, no studying for Masters. It was a slog for many, many years, just like now.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/06/2024 23:08

greedisunappealing · 03/06/2024 22:59

Oh wait you worded it confusingly, I was responding to the "give her money or you won't be cared for when you're old" part of your post - to be clear, a couple of posters have threatened exactly that.

As for the rest, the OP is very clearly the greedy, selfish daughter. Two quick wind up posts with almost no detail, and then total silence.

Irrelevant if others agree, I believe the OP is the selfish greedy daughter who wants her father to be her workhorse and wallet to make her life easier. I'll continue to respond accordingly.

That honestly hadn't occurred to me. I guess it's possible.

greedisunappealing · 03/06/2024 22:59

greedisunappealing · 03/06/2024 21:56

Actually, at least two posters did make that claim and I was responding to that. Try to keep up.

Oh wait you worded it confusingly, I was responding to the "give her money or you won't be cared for when you're old" part of your post - to be clear, a couple of posters have threatened exactly that.

As for the rest, the OP is very clearly the greedy, selfish daughter. Two quick wind up posts with almost no detail, and then total silence.

Irrelevant if others agree, I believe the OP is the selfish greedy daughter who wants her father to be her workhorse and wallet to make her life easier. I'll continue to respond accordingly.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 03/06/2024 22:46

Lesbeavinu · 02/06/2024 22:47

Just to add, his job is very low stress, 9-4pm, fully remote.

He should retire. And recommend me for the role. I really fancy 9-4 very low stress, fully remote, and great pension.

Againname · 03/06/2024 22:43

Also, the selfish bit - we're late 40's, and have sacrificed & gone without partially so we can save large pensions to retire at 60 & travel & live freely without work restrictions before being too old. This time in your 60's is called 'active retirement' & we're losing it. Now I'm being told by society I'm expected to hand a chunk of that pension over to DC to buy a house & keep working or forgo travel

I don't think that's selfish at all. There's only so long many people have in retirement when their health is still ok enough to enjoy it, and it is important to have some enjoyment in life.

Worth pointing out though, and this is in no way aimed at you or meant as an attack, the housing problem is worse than many people including maybe you might think. It's not mentioned much and a lot of the focus when the housing problems are discussed is on young people. It's definitely awful, but worst off of all are older private renters. There's about 2 million people over 50 private renting.

The UK really needs more social housing.

rainingsnoring · 03/06/2024 22:38

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 21:33

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos It’s not that they didn’t pay it’s that they don’t understand the over 60s cost a lot more for much much longer. 30 years of not earning. I’m afraid we have a declining workforce and a declining birth rate. What happened for me is not the same as now! There are fewer actively working. Not sure why people haven’t read up about this. Fewer people paying tax and more services to spend it on as people are living longer. It’s hardly rocket science is it? We need people working and much greater productivity.

It is a huge issue that when people retire early and go from £50k to £25k the tax take reduces. It puts more burden on younger people and we do know the difficulties they have right now. It looks more and more that the ones with everything already just take even more from people who really could do with lower taxes. Plus huge numbers of people don’t get the sums right and cannot afford early retirement. They just like the idea of it and then cannot make ends meet.

Why hopefully not my dc? I haven’t encouraged them to do caring work and that’s not their careers. It doesn’t seem to be high on the list of career goals for many others either as we import many care workers due to shortages. Mine pay high taxes to benefit others but other seem to take the piss and when will my dc get to retire? Not at age 59 I think.

Exactly. Most people just see their own situation entirely in isolation, it seems.

The numbers simply don't add up and are getting worse and worse. This is a major problem. A problem for the younger generations, in the main. They have been effectively handed the debt of the previous generations plus essential things, such as housing, are far less affordable now than 20/30/40 years ago.

Pussycat22 · 03/06/2024 22:34

YABEU !!!

MermaidMummy06 · 03/06/2024 22:32

I recently read an article which stated that we're creating a class divide of have & have nots that's greater than ever before. Only those with parents who can stump up a deposit will ever own property, rather than those who can work hard to afford it. Saving enough to buy is becoming impossible, unless you have financial backing. That's the biggest sadness here.

Also, the selfish bit - we're late 40's, and have sacrificed & gone without partially so we can save large pensions to retire at 60 & travel & live freely without work restrictions before being too old. This time in your 60's is called 'active retirement' & we're losing it. Now I'm being told by society I'm expected to hand a chunk of that pension over to DC to buy a house & keep working or forgo travel. We'll have no inheritances from boomer parents to help (just saying, not a gripe) & we're tired. I don't want to sacrifice any more. It's selfish, but I just want to enjoy life for a bit!!!

I don't have an answer, but it's rubbish for everyone.

pam290358 · 03/06/2024 22:31

Josette77 · 03/06/2024 19:03

Op has yet to return or even answer if she works.

It appears it's only her dh who needs to keep working his " low stress job".

OP doesn’t need to answer if she works. It’s right there in the original post. She works and earns the same as her DH.

Pussycat22 · 03/06/2024 22:31

She ain't answering the door you work question is she!!!!

Sallyh87 · 03/06/2024 22:27

Agreed, parents only exist to support their children. He should work to fund their property but then retire to care for their children.

Catch yourself on.

measureofmydreams · 03/06/2024 22:21

My ex husband (who I got on v well with) retired at 61. He had many plans to enjoy retirement. 6 weeks later he died suddenly of a heart attack, he hadn't drawn a single pension payment. I cannot tell you the devastating effect on our three adult children, all of whom had bought or were in the process of buying their own homes through their own efforts.
What I am saying is that from my limited experience if he wants to retire he should.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/06/2024 22:07

needsomewarmsunshine · 03/06/2024 18:44

A lot of posters on here need to fuck right off with their fucking entitled boomer ideas. There are plenty of us who have had jack shit in the way of help.
I don't have the means to help my dc even though I'm mortgage free in a small two bed bungalow. Perhaps some people on here think dh and I should sell up and live in a fucking tent so we can give the dc a few grand.

Late end Boomer here.

Are you referring to those who agree with the OP? If she and her husband are not yet 59, they're not Boomers.

I don't think that people should keep working to pay for their children's homes. I can't really think of anyone of my age who could afford to do that.

I do know people my age and older who have helped out their children when they really couldn't afford it. It was the children who were entitled, not the parents. (Yes...the parents raised them, so...)

I've said elsewhere on here: I don't agree that people should keep working. Too many people only have a couple of good years after retirement.

My mum and dad looked after me as a child and helped me while I was a student. I'll be forever grateful to them and I tried to pay them back. I hope that I wasn't entitled.

I don't recognise the picture of Boomers that I see painted in the media. We didn't all have it easy. Maybe those from middle class families, but those of us from a working class background didn't have it all.

greedisunappealing · 03/06/2024 21:56

LittleGlowingOblong · 03/06/2024 13:53

It's also a pretty safe bet that a daughter who's willing to steal a year or more of her father's life to make hers easier will not be doing any caregiving later in life.

But @greedisunappealing nowhere is it suggested that the OP’s DC is asking her DF to do that - it’s the OP’s suggestion alone! Who has a better grip on economic realities and a very normal wish to improve her offspring’s security and social standing.

Actually, at least two posters did make that claim and I was responding to that. Try to keep up.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/06/2024 21:56

Hmm, it is pretty young to retire but I'm not sure I would link it directly to providing for your grown up kids. Personally I would want to be able to support my kids and be generous while they are adults, so help out with deposits etc, so if I felt OK to carry on working at that age, I would. He obviously doesn't feel the same though and I don't think you can say he's wrong.

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 21:33

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos It’s not that they didn’t pay it’s that they don’t understand the over 60s cost a lot more for much much longer. 30 years of not earning. I’m afraid we have a declining workforce and a declining birth rate. What happened for me is not the same as now! There are fewer actively working. Not sure why people haven’t read up about this. Fewer people paying tax and more services to spend it on as people are living longer. It’s hardly rocket science is it? We need people working and much greater productivity.

It is a huge issue that when people retire early and go from £50k to £25k the tax take reduces. It puts more burden on younger people and we do know the difficulties they have right now. It looks more and more that the ones with everything already just take even more from people who really could do with lower taxes. Plus huge numbers of people don’t get the sums right and cannot afford early retirement. They just like the idea of it and then cannot make ends meet.

Why hopefully not my dc? I haven’t encouraged them to do caring work and that’s not their careers. It doesn’t seem to be high on the list of career goals for many others either as we import many care workers due to shortages. Mine pay high taxes to benefit others but other seem to take the piss and when will my dc get to retire? Not at age 59 I think.

betterangels · 03/06/2024 21:28

chillicalypso · 03/06/2024 20:00

How about the kids work hard and earn their deposit. Working in healthcare I’ve seen too many people usually men drop dead as soon as they retire, let him decide.

Exactly. It's his life.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/06/2024 21:24

daliesque · 03/06/2024 18:10

👏👏👏👏
From me too. A fellow gen X working class girl who had fuck all.

I'm a Boomer, but I can relate. There's this myth that we were all well off. They forget about those from working class backgrounds.

I'll not explain it all - you have to have lived it to understand.

I remember a younger member of staff reacting when he heard me telling a colleague the same age as me that I'd finally paid off my house (after 27 yrs). He seemed quite annoyed: "You're lucky - I wish I'd paid off my mortgage."

We had the same wage, though he'd reached that payscale at a younger age than I. He didn't seem to take into consideration that I'd taken all that time to pay off my house or that I'd bought a 2 bed house in a "poorer" area. Had kept the 1970s carpets etc that were there when I'd moved in. Had 2nd hand furniture.

He had bought a 5 bedroom house in a "nice" area. He didn't have 4 children, but - like many of my younger colleagues - he wanted his "dream house" straight away.

Maybe it's a different outlook? I had a younger relative through marriage who was forever complaining about being hard up.

He had been paying his mortgage for years, but hadn't paid off the house because he chose to take an interest only mortgage. He bought in a very expensive area: the house came with its own stables.

I think he was relying on an increase in value that would allow him to buy a bungalow later on, but I fear he's going to be disappointed. He and his partner work from home and have a good wage, but they have long been subsidised by elderly relatives. They never seem to pay anything off - they use one of those lease schemes for their vehicles: top-end only.

They had an expectation of inheriting family homes. His partner is currently renting out her parents' former home. He might get a shock if his surviving parent needs care and her house has to be sold.

cestlavielife · 03/06/2024 21:18

What difference does one more year make? Are you suggesting all his earnings go to dc?

pinkyredrose · 03/06/2024 21:10

Even if you pay for all services, there still needs to be someone to do the jobs! Hopefully not my DC.

Why hopefully not your DC?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/06/2024 21:10

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 21:07

The DH in this case works from home! He’s not doing a manual job.

There is a huge amount of denial about who pays for what after people retire. The older people have to rely on younger people’s tax. Old people are living longer. The social contract is going to be a big problem. 35 years as a tax payer based on earnings isn’t much out of a possible 90 years of age. Why should younger people who have much higher outgoings, expensive mortgsges and child care costs pay for more and more and more when older people give up earlier and earlier? I’m old but I think we have millions who could make a bigger contribution but it’s all me, me, me. If people haven’t had dc, I’m not really sure they should expect anything.

if the ranting poster had been clear about taking care of their own old age, I would not have assumed anything about ending life. However it’s virtually impossible to get really old and not go near health, welfare, care or other services if you don’t have dc. Even if you pay for all services, there still needs to be someone to do the jobs! Hopefully not my DC.

Who paid for your pregnancy care? Who paid for the stat mat leave? Who pays for your children's healthcare, education, etc?

All working people pay tax for a reason. If someone has worked all their life and paid their tax then why shouldn't they benefit from that?

Also, no one who retires early does so on a state pension. They've funded that themselves. So any care funds they get from the government is only going to be the same as those who retired later.