Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

My friend has a tween who's autistic and I have a toddler. Her son is very rough and aggressive and as a result I no longer bring my toddler around him and I make no apologies about it . I don't blame your friend or her husband, their children don't deserve to be hurt and rough housed against their wishes , sen or not. You'll just have to accept their decision .

Agree with your friend's family setting a boundary. Could you do things together that don't involve rough play?
Idk like a board game cafe or something where the children aren't unsupervised? X

My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt

I know what you mean about the over excited behaviour but your son can’t make this promise because his immaturity and impulses take over. (You say that he doesn’t mean to hurt people )

Nobody really got hurt means people got a little hurt. I suspect that this is a straw that broke the camel’s back situation and that they are sick of the little incidents.

I suspect that the husband is being the bad guy so your friend doesn’t have to tell you what she and the kids really think. They aren’t excluding your child, they are saying that they don’t want to put their kids in situations where they will get accidentally hurt which is a normal parenting instinct.

And why can't your DH stay with his son at home or supervise closely whilst you relax with a friend?

I have an autistic 14yo, and I am in full agreement with your friend.

Whether it was intentional or not, your ds was rough playing with a kid half his age, without full understanding of the consequences, and without adequate supervision.

They are protecting their kids.

I think you are naive to take what she has said at face value. If a 14yo was playing roughly with my 7 and year old and hurt them I would be very concerned that you seem oblivious to how serious this could be. I think your friend is taking the easy way to back out of your life with no confrontation.

Exactly this. You’ve failed to properly supervise your son to the point that he’s repeatedly hurting other children, and now the other adults have had to step in to protect their child. It’s cheeky as fuck to try and put blame on your friend or their partner for putting their foot down, no matter who it was, their feeling are valid. Your son is quickly approaching adult size and still playing with lower primary children, and you admit that he’s too rough! You should have been watching him like a hawk when you know he can and will injure someone!

Many autistic 14 year olds can 't be left home alone so I can see how the OP might find this difficult to organise. It's not the same as with a NT child.

You are advocating for your child and they are advocating for theirs. I would also be concerned about a child twice my children’s age acting in a way that could hurt them. Yes your child has additional needs which make him act younger than his years but he will be an awful lot stronger than a 7 year old and I would also be suggesting they play differently or not at all.

A child that got injured or hurt shouldn’t be forced to hang out with the child that did it just because his mum thinks it’s exclusionary to have it otherwise.

Yes, I wondered that too- it's easier for her to say it's her DH than to potentially upset her close friend. I think your use of the word "obey" is a bit weird here too- she may well be in full agreement with him.

It's unfair on your younger children though. They should still be able to see their friends without the brother dominating things.

Harsh as it sounds but you need to leave him at home for future meet ups, and inform the parents of this.

I think it’s the result of your own doing - you knew the situation and didn’t watch closely. Now friend’s husband can’t trust you anymore and just put a blanket rule - no playing together.
Disclaimer: my child has additional needs so much less mature than her peers. I teach her and watch her. It’s hard I would rather relax but it’s the only way.
I was also on receiving end of this situation with other parents, I just don’t get together with them anymore, this approach is much simpler.

I suspect this has come from your friend who found it less awkward to say it was her DH's idea

You need to supervise him more closely in these sorts of situations OP.
Is your friend's DH aware that this means his wife won't be able to meet up with her friend as often? I find his approach heavy-handed tbh.
The situation could work fine with close adult supervision. But close supervision is a must.

Also like a pp maybe the children don’t want to play with him at all and the father has agreed to be the bad guy

I suspect this is what happened, the kids felt uncomfortable with the roughness and now dont want to play with him any more so the dad has now said no. Its hard for younger children to tell a much older non related child that they feel uncomfortable so they most likely told their dad hence his reaction

Also, Does your younger son get time with his friends alone? Because that’s also very important.

If his friends are saying they don’t want to play with his brother because he hurts them, then you need to ensure he maintains his friendships and gets time without his brother to see them.

Depends on what he was doing re playing. Younger children don't have the strength he has. On the fence here but if younger child unhappy with the play and scared to interact yabu. If not yanbu. If the children don't want to play with him again it's their choice! What do the children say. I'm mostly on yabu but though ...how you feel if your DS was playing with 18 or 21 year olds.....similar age difference. It really depends on what your DS was doing.

She’s ‘obeying’ him? Or she’s in agreement with him after telling him what happened and expressing her concerns?

It’s easier for one or both of you to make him ‘the bad guy’, but in truth he isn’t the bad guy at all for wanting to prevent harm coming to his children.

It may very well be that the children themselves don’t enjoy being around your son and don’t want to be, and at 7 and 10 they’re old enough to have formed and expressed an opinion.

Personally I don’t think this is about your son but your lack of supervision and if that has left him feeling his children aren’t safe then that’s fair enough. You say he has promised not to play wildly again but if he has that understanding/ control it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

unfortunatly your son will be a lot bigger and stronger that the other children so it does reach a point where the play may become inappropriate for everyone.

Depends what happened but a 14 year old
is much bigger and stronger than a 10
year old.

Also like a pp maybe the children don’t want to play with him at all and the father has agreed to be the bad guy.

Gently, YABU. 14 is significantly older and bigger than 7. It's not appropriate for them to play together if there's a risk he is going to hurt them. Unfortunately, my children spent time with an older autistic boy and I found out later he was talking about really inappropriate stuff with them. Although they may seem to have a similar level of maturity, they are not the same age. It would be better for him to spend time with similar children of his own age if at all possible.

It may be that your friends children told their Dad they don’t want to socialise with your DS. Your younger son is more used to and aware of his brother, whereas they may struggle with a much larger and older child being boisterous.

Or your friends husband may recognise that this is not an ideal situation for his children to be in.

Either way, it seems more like an issue around compatibility and parents assuming children will get along because they do, than exclusion. Her priority will always be her children, as will yours.

Can you see your friend alone?

It’s not the first time it’s happened; this is an ongoing issue. Their own children will be getting older and a bit more rambunctious themselves, which means they’ll have a bit more rough play but can handle it as they’re all the same size. Their rough play will probably encourage your boy, and he takes it too far and gets too rough with them? So their kids aren’t safe.

They’ve now seen an occasion where you didn’t watch him properly, and he got out of hand. They don’t want their kids put in that situation again. Why would they?

Your job is to look after your son, which includes watching him so he stays under control and other people are safe around him. You didn’t do that.

Their job is to keep their kids safe. They are doing that. They gave it a chance as a group but it’s not working out anymore.

If the children felt he had been rough with them, it's understandable if they don't want to play with him again. That's the bottom line I'm afraid.