Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

This is true, but also apart from siblings, it's probably rare that a 14 year old would be hanging out or playing with a 7 year old. Unless at a childminders which is where something happened to my DD.

Slightly different scenario with ages but recently we had an autistic boy at DDs childminder. DD is 3 and the boy who pushed her is 8. He really hurt her and we had to take her to hospital due to the bump on her head making her sick.

Sadly, due to the safety of the other children, the boys contract was terminated immediately.
Although i desperately feel for the parents who are trying to work, we all want our children in a safe environment.

As PP said, as parents we keep our children away from danger regardless of the circumstances and sadly that means some children will be excluded. A 14 year old boy can be a big strapping strong lad, or on the smaller side, but regardless, will be a hell of a lot bigger and stronger than a 7 year old.

To push a 7 year old over to the point they had sand in their mouth must've been quite a violent shove, and I would not want DD around that again just like I didn't want DD around the lad that shoved her. Shoves and pushes happen, but shoves and pushes at lead to injuries are not in the normal realms of children's rough play. But your DH sounds totally incompetent, and you can't even enjoy any alone time with your friend due to this. His laziness is at your expense and it's not fair at all.

How did your friend respond to that @Maria1979 ?
Seems very sad that your husband doesn’t help at all. When do you get time off?

Both were off on this beach trip so obviously not impossible

you have said that their is no SEN provision in your town, have you tried setting something up yourself? A quick message on the local Facebook group will find other people in your situation it doesn’t have to take a lot of admin.

what other nonsense. Setting up Sen provision is incredibly complex and complicated and expensive. It's not something which is done with some Facebook clicks by finding other families who are in the same mess. Families like ours cannot magic up social care/desire care where the state has failed us utterly. You have absolutely no idea what you are taking about and it's quite insulting as you make it sound as if the parent is to blame for having no Sen provision.

Your son is only the main character in your story, in everyone else’s story he is a sub character.

I can see how it would be upsetting but the other dad is correct, he will be far too big now to play safely and could seriously hurt someone.

you have said that their is no SEN provision in your town, have you tried setting something up yourself? A quick message on the local Facebook group will find other people in your situation it doesn’t have to take a lot of admin.

Wonder how many pages this will go on now it's reached it's conclusion. I'm sure there are many more wanting to rag the OP about for not being a perfect parent to a disabled kid and wanting some sort of a life.

It is not up to you how other parents arrange things with their children

Indeed.

The husband may be terrible for a whole host of reasons. He may be a violent drug abuser that OP’s friend should divorce. He’s can be all those things, and he is still be absolutely right on this occasion.

It sounds to me like you’ve made the right call. Those with similar caring responsibilities will really understand and those without probably not so much. You can’t mitigate every negative of having a disabled sibling for your children. I’d question if that was necessary or something to aspire to myself. This family don’t sound like a good fit going forward. The mum and kids sound fine but the Dad is too angry/violent/druggy to be around your children because your family unit is more vulnerable than others. I’m so sorry you are losing a precious friendship.

I am guessing that at rhe times the families meet up, that op's dh is working!

OP said her husband doesnt do any childcare as he has no patience and shouts so she does it all. Therefore, he could do it, he just doesnt want to and the entire burden is left to her

I mean ops dh was sat there on the beach with her there’s clearly times he could get off his arse and watch his child so his youngest one doesn’t miss out yet again.

I am guessing that at rhe times the families meet up, that op's dh is working!

So the poor lad losses yet another friend. Glass sibling indeed as per a pp.

Your useless husband needs to step up and be able to watch his own child for even an hour.

A violent drug user according to you has more care and thought to their child’s wellbeing that your actual friend mind. Notice her dh has suddenly become a monster the more posts there are though 🙃

You should be grateful he hasn't hurt anyone.....yet! pray it continues that way! why where you not monitoring him/ them in the first instance?

I went though this. There is a term for siblings of high-needs children called "glass children".

It would be a good thing for him to have a trusted adult to talk to that aren't his parents so he can be honest. He will have troubles too but will constantly feel that his problems aren't as bad.

Look I grew up in the disability community and all sorts of social shifts happen when children (especially with intellectual disabilities) hit puberty.

They are no longer a child, but an teenager with poor boundaries and this is something that needs to be strongly supervised. If you dont supervise your child closely then other parents have to make decisions.

It is really difficult and yet another drain on your energy and you have my sympathies. I would also check in with your 10 year old because maybe the play is to rough for them too.

@Maria1979

I totally agree with ubove poster's @gamerchick and @TheKeatingFive too,
with spot 👌 hit the nail on head advice.

Why didn’t your husband say anything about this when he brought up the whole thing?
A drug user criticising your son.

It sounds to me like you've said to your friend you can no longer see them in a manipulative move to get her to back down on including your son. It's a very dramatic move to make, if that was my friend I would make sure I made time to see them on their own and keep the friendship going. Dh should be stepping up and parenting their son for an hour or two so you can do this.

A large, rough Fourteen year old male can be very overwhelming for younger children.
I don't blame their Dad for wanting to protect them from this potential injury.

Most parents want to protect their children from physical damage by larger, stronger, more unruly kids, no matter what the excuse.

It's all very well saying your son should be included in everything, and I get it because you want the best for him, but at the end of the day, the other parents want the best for THEIR children, and if they've been hurt, they understandably don't want to put them in that position again. Not only that, but the kids might be nervous about being around your son now, so again, not fair on them.

Also, why do you type every word fully apart from "with"? "Play w my son" "Paid closer attention w my husband"? I don't get it. What purpose does that serve? It's not a long word to begin with. You use much longer words. (Genuine question, as I've seen it on here a lot recently).

Why can't you have children in your house?

Your eldest can play x box or whatever while the youngest has friends over.

Or is it your DH?

Hmm 'may' resent, yes I suppose so. He may also grow to be empathetic and fiercely protective of his brother who faces stigma and judgement at every turn.

I'm so sorry to read this @Maria1979 . As a PP has commented, it really sounds like you let your guard down for a moment or two and this happened as a result. Not your fault. Just one of those things. Parenting a child on the spectrum is really, really hard. I have an older teen with ASD/ADHD and he is amazing and wonderful BUT there are times when I get it right and times when I don't and being his mum - trying to do the right thing but very often failing - is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's really tough and I feel for you.

Agree with others that the friends will want to protect their DC and it is a tricky stage of development for your DS - at 14 he may well be still at the emotional age of the 7yo, but if he's been through puberty he could be the size/strength/physical capability of an adult male.

Also agree with others though that your DH needs to step up more. We have a similar split in our house (DH supports the family financially, I manage the childcare/logistics/run the home) but this has never stopped him having the DC to enable me to spend time with a friend. Would he not even have the DC in the evening so you could meet your friend for a child-free drink or a meal?

Your life sounds very hard, OP, both with your son and your husband. I'm sorry. I hope things get easier for you in the future. 💐