Paying for own coffee when out

I know. She's a very longstanding friend, and it's just over the last few years I've noticed things like this creeping in. Maybe I kind of accepted her warts and all in the past but as ive got past 50 I'm just getting less tolerant.

I think you're right @Bjorkdidit I have friends I usually split with and we do order the same but I have also had friends who always order the more expensive dishes and wine and it's just not fair.

Pay for it and then say it's the last time you pay

Just be honest, hi jenn going forward I'll have to just bring a flask and treat as the coffee shop treats are becoming too much for my bank balance.

This

There's a lot of people who think that, if they 'take turns' or 'just split it', that it all evens out in the end, when rarely it does because most people are creatures of habit and will always order a similar amount/type of food and drink, or don't suddenly change from being a bit skint to so comfortable they're able to overlook the fact that their friends order always costs 2/3 times what theirs does.

OP YANBU, or if you always order one thing, and your friend orders 2, she should pay twice out of every three times to your one, or you just pay for your own like you've suggested.

@Chocolateroulade I don't believe she couldn't have known but if it was that then surely you could have suggested paying for your own as you were watching the pennies. I know it's easy to say that on Mumsnet and different in real life though!

I used to have a similar arrangement with a friend. We’d go for lunch once a week on my day off. We took turns paying.

I’d order the veggie option and a glass of tap water (about £12)
she would have an orange juice to start, a main meal that was always pricier than mine, she loved squid (I don’t eat fish so couldn’t share) so she’d also have a side of that and a Diet Coke half way through her meal. Hers usually came to around £30- sometimes more.

I’ve stopped going as I can’t afford it, it’s a shame as I miss seeing her as much and the lunches. I was never brave enough to mention it and don’t think it ever crossed her mind that we were just having whatever we each fancied.

Just be honest. I'm not buying their drinks anymore so shall be just each pay for our own?

It's silly to miss out on meeting her over such a small issue.

Just say 'can we each buy our own treats for the walks. It just keeps things simpler, since sometimes I fancy something and at other times I don't.'

@Livelovebehappy I can't help but think anyone who isn't happy is expecting you to fund them in some way. If you were driving and drinking non alcoholic drinks she should have offered to get you a drink anyway for driving!

I had similar with a friend - we meet up one evening a month for drinks at the local pub. I drive as don’t like drinking on a school night, so I pick her up, and we then buy in rounds, but she has a large wine and I have a tonic water. Tbh this was going on for years, but then I started to get annoyed about it. I didn’t give her a heads up as didn’t want to make it into a big issue, so just said to her on a night out that I had downloaded a budget app and was trialing it for a month to see how I could cut costs, so wanted to just buy my own drink going forward. I got the feeling she wasn’t really happy about it, but we did it, and then just carried on after the month’s trial. Can’t understand why I didn’t do it sooner…

I think it's fine to say you'd rather just pay for your own.

I don't think you need to tell her in advance unless it's your turn to pay.

As PPs have said you could suggest something else such as a walk or meet in the park. It's a bit cheeky of her to expect you to pay when you're taking your own but also think it's odd of you to take coffee to a coffee shop.

I have this sort of arrangement with some friends and honestly I would prefer to pay for myself as for example at lunch they often have a coffee as well whereas I most often drink water.

Lots of really good advice here. Just try not to over think it. It is perfectly OK to say you are trying to save a bit and is it OK if you just pay for your own drinks etc. You could always offer to bake a cake and take it in turns to provide the cake?

If you don’t want to put it like your short of money or want to talk about environmental impact etc just say you have been looking at how your spending and your not happy with your pattern of luxury or unnecessary spending so I’m trying to be mindful and cut back a bit , you’ll have noticed I sometimes bring my own drink now that’s part of it. so I think we just get our own from now on.

if she’s not happy, then you’ll just have to have an uncomfortable conversation with her but hopefully she’ll be ok because a friend wouldn’t make you feel bad for this perfectly reasonable request.

let us know how you get on and enjoy your next walk @Fortunefavours1

I think the wording you suggested in your OP would be fine. I've had friends say similar to me, and not minded.

This exact same problem was posted a couple of months ago.

Break the habit by taking your own drink and a snack for a few weeks saying you need to cut back.

I know, but she shouldn’t be enforcing a system of ‘taking turns’ when you can’t pay for a hot drink

someone bringing a flask to a coffee shop is a pretty big signal they are on a budget, but your friend isn’t getting this and is happy to order a mocha choca Frappuccino or whatever it is when it’s ’your turn’

i would be mortified to let my friend sit there with a thermos when she’s bought my pastry and coffee. I would be buying the coffee each time for us both so we could enjoy a nice outing

your friend is rude and socially inept

meet on neutral ground and start both sorting yourselves out because she is taking the piss

Has she not noticed that her order is more expensive than yours? That's shows a lack of insight. I always avoid such arrangements for this exact issue. Unless it's the same price, there is simply no reason why each person can't pay their own. In this case, it is best to be honest and say that you are being mindful of expenses and would prefer if you paid separately. If she is genuinely your friend, then there should be no problem.

Explain to your friend and say is it OK if she pays for her orders and you pay for yours

I'm sure she'll be fine with it

I'd hope my friend would just say money is a bit tight at the moment so can and want to meet up but can't do the coffee stops for a while, but your happy to bring your own if she still wants to grab something for herself