To leave my husband as he can't make decisions

It doesn't matter what's behind it. It's whether OP can live with it. She's been patient while he's had therapy, but it's changed nothing. Maybe some wives could put up with it, take the matriarch role and treat him like another child, because he's damaged. But no-one should have to, or be guilted into staying in a marriage that isn't working for them.

How on earth is him mentioning to the kids about going swimming an example of him and his inner child being too scared to speak up?

This thread is batshit 🤣

I’m bit sure about this frightened child business. I do see an incompetent man.

I grew up with parents who were terrified to make any decision ever, and was also taught that nice girls never say anything other than ‘I don’t mind’. It was an unhelpful upbringing, but ultimately, I’m responsible for how I deal with it as an adult. We all are.

Sympathies, OP. It sounds exhausting. I have a passive, indecisive friend. His wife proposed to him when it was clear he was happy for their LD relationship to continue indefinitely (it had gone on 8 years at this point), arranged the wedfing, looked up old friends he’d drifted out of touch with to invite, found him a closer job, and subsequently did all the household and child-related work and decision-making while working FT. He just drifts, and his idea of a good time is scrolling through the internet on the sofa. I think she just wore out in the end. But she still had to help him rent a house and arrange a removal van!

Have you told him what you’re thinking - even down to how it makes you think about your marriage ? If not - then start there. Does he even know this is an issue he has?

Something that might help him is EMDR therapy, especially if he can identify specific occasions that were traumatic or reinforced this viewpoint.

Don’t agree with any of the above. It’s been instilled into him that he can’t have a voice. I went through things as a child that I still can’t shake now.

Five years????

Because he didn’t get off his arse and take his kids swimming? Wow the projection going on in this thread is unreal.

He's still a child.
He needs about 5 years of trauma therapy if his therapist hasn't noticed yet.

You beat me to it

Yes, my ex was like this too and I started to feel resentful when I realised I was driving the whole relationship (both literally and metaphorically). If I didn't decide on things to do AND drive us there, we wouldn't have done anything much ever.

It's all about taking on the mental load too and all the responsibility.

I feel your pain, OP.

He's not your typical useless man - he seems more damaged than anything.

He seems to be looking to you for permission in the same way he might have looked to his parents. So, one approach may be to continually take the line: You don't need my permission to [take the children swimming/whatever]. A lot of people don't realise just how messed up some people can be from poor parenting. Good luck.

OP you really need to stop making excuses for him. What he's doing to your DC is cruel.

I had a horrendous childhood. And guess what, i don't land that shit on my kids.

He wasn't afraid to speak up though was he? He suggested swimming. Then left it up to you to arrange. That's not a 'frightened child'. That's a lazy man. A 'frightened child' wouldn't have been able to suggest it in the first place.

I'm guessing all those who've poo poo'd the idea that this is an issue from his childhood don't have any anxieties of any kind, eating or weight problems, addictions or phobias, or any other self doubts.

Congratulations. Now all you need is to develop some empathy for those who weren't as fortunate.

What in gods name are you talking about? If you go off babbling about nonsense like this while he’s wandering around with his head in the clouds you’re as bad as each other.

Did anyone take the kids swimming or were you both too busy psychoanalysing his childhood to do anything practical?

I think you’re completely over complicating this and making excuses for him around his upbringing etc, it’s really simple - he’s says he’s taking the kids swimming so just say great when are you going and leave him to it, this is nothing to do with making decisions it’s just him being lazy.

Did he expect you’d then take them swimming instead? What actually happened, did he take them?

I can see how I have made all decisions while he is too afraid to. He came from a strict up bringing and was never allowed to voice an opinion.

Honestly, he must be laughing into his sleeve that you've concocted this far-fetched excuse for his laziness...!

If it walks and quacks like a lazy man, it's a lazy man.

Never mind his "inner child" and the way his parents treated him and other pop psychology Freudianisms.

He's lazy, end of. He doesn't do difficult stuff like organising the kids' swimming because he can't be bothered, and he knows you'll do it.

Psychoanalysing it is just excuse-making. He needs to step up and be a decent parent and adult.

Took me a minute.

I know. But it is possible and it's not traumatic - because that child will want to change their behaviour once they know silence is no longer an appropriate (or necessary) strategy.

My ex was like this. Never made any decisions. Everything was left for me to decide and organise. It I asked his opinion he'd shrug and say "whatever you think". If i didnt decide and organise things then wed do absolutely nothing. He wasn't afraid to give an opinion, he was just lazy.

The worse thing for me was the feeling that I had no one to fall back on. When important decisions had to be made I had to make them alone. When I was sick, I had to tell him what to do with the kids/house because he would happily sit around doing nothing while the kids destroyed the house through boredom. It's that feeling of not having a partner. Knowing that if you drop the ball, there's no one there to pick it up.

I'm happier since we broke up. I'm still doing it all alone but now Im doing it without the resentment.

Are you 100% certain it's because he is afraid to make decisions?

Based on your example I would have assumed two different things before fear and that is laziness/can't be arsed to see it through OR (and I suspect it is this) he feels the minutiae of life is beneath him and that's why he married. He wanted a life PA to make his life easier and it's a woman's job to facilitate his thoughts and bring them to fruition, ie your job .

I'm married to someone lazy and selfish and it is soul destroying. Join me in getting out.