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Original poster

Was this weird of me at work?

334 replies

Handsomesquidward · 02/06/2024 11:32

I'm a straight woman, I work in a semi-formal office environment. We have a young girl there who has beautiful long, blonde Rapunzel hair and who is just beautiful in general.
I haven't really spoken to her as she's in another department. I saw this girl and I just said 'Hi I hope you don't mind me saying, just wanted to say I really love your hair, you look beautiful!'
She seemed really happy I'd said it and appreciated it.
My other colleague was in the toilets too and had heard, she told me it was really weird and creepy id said that.
I feel so embarrassed now and wonder if I shouldn't have said anything. I was just trying to be nice, I imagine some women would be very jealous of her and she gets some cattiness, I don't think I said anything inappropriate.
Just wondered what others think? Surely it's a sad world where you can't compliment people.

OP posts:
wizarddry · 02/06/2024 16:32

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 16:30

@PenguinLord you will be a work place lawyers dream some day 😂.

I fail to see the disadvantage of someone complimenting my professional conduct over my hair but maybe it's a generation thing. I don't need or want a colleagues complimenting or even considering my appearance, it isn't for them it's for me.

Thankfully they now teach this in Early Years, sounds like you could do with a bit of upskilling. Hugs

Edited

Exactly. Even kids are taught to compliement on an action, achievement or character trait

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 02/06/2024 16:31

Providing you didn't learn over the top of the cubicle that she was in to say it, I think it's fine.

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 16:31

ByNavyOtter · 02/06/2024 16:21

I feel like actually people should pay you more compliments if you feel this way and when you see how innocently joyful it is to receive one perhaps you wont be so odd about it.

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What? I don't want comments on my hair thanks.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 16:30

@PenguinLord you will be a work place lawyers dream some day 😂.

I fail to see the disadvantage of someone complimenting my professional conduct over my hair but maybe it's a generation thing. I don't need or want a colleagues complimenting or even considering my appearance, it isn't for them it's for me.

Thankfully they now teach this in Early Years, sounds like you could do with a bit of upskilling. Hugs

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/06/2024 16:28

Your hair looks/is beautiful would have been better

hopscotcher · 02/06/2024 16:22

I think it was a nice thing to say. I'd be pleased if someone said it to me!

PenguinLord · 02/06/2024 16:22

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 16:04

@PenguinLord it is literally one of the fundamentals of sexism and infantilism of women.it forms a full module on Ireland's EDI state training for Directors in the Public Sector so I will go with their researched peer reviewed approach.

I find it sad that a colleague doesn't understand that commenting on someone's appearance isn't appropriate anymore. Thankfully 99% of our staff got it.

It's a shame that you see being human as being unprofessional, and that being human is not appropriate anymore. It has nothing to do with being a woman- I compliment male colleagues and female colleagues. It's also very sad you see someone being ncie as infantilising you, but again, it's a you problem. Usually people saying 'I like your hair' ar neithe rinfantilising anyone nor being creepy. I'm sorry you have such a skewed sad view of the world. Hugs.

Notamum12345577 · 02/06/2024 16:21

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 15:34

Absolutely have nice hair, be beautiful. But why focus your compliments on it? And referring to a grown woman as a girl.. its odd

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I was waiting for the ‘girl’ comment! 🤣

ByNavyOtter · 02/06/2024 16:21

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 15:37

It's not a normal interaction. If I get my hair cut I don't want people saying oh your hair looks nice I want them saying how is that pitch going for Friday. Nice work with the XYZ case.

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I feel like actually people should pay you more compliments if you feel this way and when you see how innocently joyful it is to receive one perhaps you wont be so odd about it.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 16:20

@Handsomesquidward if you don't understand the difference between valuing appearance over a person's capacity then I am afraid there is too big a learning gap to be addressed in a thread.

It is actually quite disappointing to see so many women not understanding that appearance isn't success and comments on it are actually sexist.

ByNavyOtter · 02/06/2024 16:19

Years ago I'd been dumped by someone I'd really fallen in love with and a woman stopped me and told me I was the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen. Honestly I cannot say how much that compliment meant to me! Not creepy or weird at ALL your colleague is just being jealous.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 16:04

@PenguinLord it is literally one of the fundamentals of sexism and infantilism of women.it forms a full module on Ireland's EDI state training for Directors in the Public Sector so I will go with their researched peer reviewed approach.

I find it sad that a colleague doesn't understand that commenting on someone's appearance isn't appropriate anymore. Thankfully 99% of our staff got it.

Original poster
Handsomesquidward · 02/06/2024 16:00

I just don't think they're mutually exclusive. Sarah from accounts can have beautiful hair yet also be highly competent in her role and equally complimented on her performance.

OP posts:
PenguinLord · 02/06/2024 15:58

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 15:55

@PenguinLord eh nope you are off track there. Always had loads of compliments still do, the difference is in work it is about my professional capacity not my hair I can sit on.

It isn't appropriate to comment on a others appearance in a professional setting. If creepy John can't say it neither can anyone else, simples

I'd a random colleague passes by and says something nice any you and you think it's wrong, it's your problem, not theirs, or maybe it's where you work, for which I'm sorry.

OutOntheTilez · 02/06/2024 15:56

I don’t think it was weird, OP. I think it was very nice of you. The few times I’ve received compliments in my life still make me smile when I think back on them.

I agree with you that she is probably on the receiving end of cattiness here and there.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 15:55

@PenguinLord eh nope you are off track there. Always had loads of compliments still do, the difference is in work it is about my professional capacity not my hair I can sit on.

It isn't appropriate to comment on a others appearance in a professional setting. If creepy John can't say it neither can anyone else, simples

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 15:52

Handsomesquidward · 02/06/2024 15:47

I have colleagues in their 60s who still refer to themselves as the girls 🤣

Fine if they do it themselves

PenguinLord · 02/06/2024 15:52

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 15:14

Generally we raise people to not comment on another's appearance but their qualities.

I don't like people commenting on my appearance and wouldn't like it from either sex in a professional environment.

Who are 'we'?

Because in most cultures saying nice things to other is not weird. I wonder if it is not your stiff upbringing that makes you uneasy about hearing compliments?

Original poster
Handsomesquidward · 02/06/2024 15:51

I get occasional compliments from colleagues about my clothes, make up etc too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Handsomesquidward · 02/06/2024 15:51

I'm honestly wondering what HR would do if someone went to them and said 'Someone told me I looked pretty/they liked my hair in the toilets ."

OP posts:
PenguinLord · 02/06/2024 15:50

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 15:37

It's not a normal interaction. If I get my hair cut I don't want people saying oh your hair looks nice I want them saying how is that pitch going for Friday. Nice work with the XYZ case.

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You are bizarre to think it's not a normal interraction.

Would it be bad to have both, people complimenting both your work and something about you, as a person? Maybe wear a bag over your head next time to avoid peopel saying nice things to you.

It is absolutely, or should be, normal to compliment people about things like clothes, hair etc. I would not expect every colleague to say something every day but I see absolutely nothing wrong with an occasional comment.

Original poster
Handsomesquidward · 02/06/2024 15:47

I have colleagues in their 60s who still refer to themselves as the girls 🤣

OP posts:
PenguinLord · 02/06/2024 15:47

The world would be a better place if we said nice things to each other often.

I tell my colleagues when they wear something nice. I know some people get embarassed by it so I dont speak to them anymore, I find this very very British, wanting people to notice you but QUIETLY without saying anything. What's the point lol.

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 15:47

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 15:40

@Chanelbasketballandchain the comment referenced a personal appearance not a I animate object that is the key point.

I am not HR I was trained by state HR and this was clearly stated and was part of Irelands state employee EDI training for Directors . 🤷‍♀️

Yes and it also leads to the feelings of discrimination from those with visible differences

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 15:46

Chanelbasketballandchain · 02/06/2024 15:40

The more you post, the more you sound jealous 😂

Once again, getting compliments about appearance takes nothing from skills or professionalism. The stereotype of the "beautiful but clueless" should be long dead.

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Not jealous. Just against the focus being on a woman's beauty instead of her achievements and calling her a girl.