Please be kind - husband not the same

But your DC are clearly going to pick upon your state of heightened anxiety. I don’t believe a 9yr old would be completely unaware of your excessive questioning, whether they knew the cause or not.

Your husband has expressed frustration with a difficult situation in an unkind way. Not enough information to say whether this is because he is an unkind person or because he is just overwhelmed. But, as pps have said, this isn't the big problem here. You need to contact your mental health team.

I didn't want to read and not send you a huge hug. It sounds like you're very unwell at the moment. Absolutely none of this is a) your fault and b) hopefully can't be treated with some therapy. If CBT hasn't previously worked for you, maybe a different type of therapy will help. If you can't get help sooner (I do think you need it urgently though), try to keep a thought diary and go through the processes that you'd have gone through when you previously did CBT. If you can't recall how they work/what you need to do, DM me and I'll send the info over.
I too have had points when I overthink too much about the possibility of things happening to my dc. It's awful and terrifying. You're not alone xx

Absolutely. It's really not a 'gosh how insightful of you' on here anymore to do the 'it's obviously your DHs fault, LTB'!

Is a sea of posters recognising this as a couple where both parties are at breaking point, you are the only one to condemn the DH as being an awful person.
Perhaps you ought to read some of the other posts.

Absolutely to both and this is highly concerning will ask the same question over and over again, this drives me mad so I know my husband must not like it either, I can't help it though, I've always been the same, my older dd is the same, she will get anxious and ask questions re your older dd. Is this the 2yo you're describing as having anxiety? If she's present and witnessing your anxiety and rituals you definitely need to access help. What's your hv saying?

You are both struggling. Those who live with those with mental illness are also under extraordinary stress. You behaved inappropriately (accused him of cheating, constantly repeating stuff at him over and over and over) due to your current mental state. He also behaved inappropriately (mocking) due to his current state.

No one is the baddy here. Everyone has a limit of what they can cope with. You are both exhausted. Please seek help

The NHS is under massive stress BUT you need help now.
I would keep begging for help. If your doctors has an online referral thing I'd keep sending them updates on how bad it is.
I would also investigate what kind of emergency mental health provision there is, where I used to live there was a crisis room you called just turn up at. And do go to A and E if necessary.
I would also talk to your health visitor - this is one of the things they should be looking for.
And yes your husband is under pressure too, is his employer at all understanding? Do you have a support network?
(And CBT often doesn't work with ND people, so do bring this up as well.)

Just for right now, it doesn’t really matter if your husband is cheating. If he is, you can deal with it once you are healthy. Yes, he is being a jerk right now. there really is anything you can do about that for the moment. You need to focus your energy elsewhere.

You need to reach out to your mental health support and let them know the full details of your current situation. Giving them your posts to read would be a simple way to make sure you quickly relay all the information. Especially if you are autistic, it is very easy to fail to communicate verbally or to downplay the situation in person.

I know you said cbt didn’t work but are you really trying to break the loop

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/when-reassurance-seeking-becomes-compulsive

I get the questions. I’m the same but eventually with the help of cbt and my DH gently refusing to keep answering I realise that it feeds the cycle and makes it worse to keep asking and getting the responses. By answering your husband is inadvertently making it worse.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. As others have said, please contact the NHS team as soon as possible, you may be suffering from perinatal psychosis (really not as scary as it sounds, and more common than people realise). It's very brave and self aware of you to know your symptoms. These charities might be able to help - https://www.app-network.org/ and https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Your husband might need help too. It sounds like a very difficult situation. He is also human, we expect fathers to deal with postpartum but it sounds like he might be feeling stress and depression too (none of this is your fault of course). If he is acting out of character, it might be that he needs to talk to a professional.

Keep talking.

https://ocdaction.org.uk/

https://www.ocduk.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/self-care-for-ocd/

I can see both sides for you, it's so upsetting for you, but he sounds like he's just had enough.

I think you need treatment urgently.

OP

You are not your OCD, the OCD is not you.

Please try to see it that your partner was mocking the OCD and not you.

Your DP should try not to offer you reassurance when the OCD questions him, but that is so incredibly difficult.

Please reach out for help from your post natal care team /GP/ community mental health team / OCD charities

You are stronger then the OCD

Sending you so much love from my kitchen table x

Can you get help from family and friends with your babies? Is there a child minder to help? can ye pay someone for extra help till you feel better?

You're both utterly exhausted, and you are suffering unbearably with your own illness. Caring for two highly complex needs children when you yourself have complex needs and are doing this solo all day must be intolerable.

Has the OCD been formally diagnosed?

About your husband - he chose to do a horrible, mean thing mocking the one person he's supposed to support. So why was that.

Is it that he is a horrible mean person?

Or is it that he's also at breaking point?

Was the decision to have a second baby when you knew both yourself and the first have very complex needs a joint decision? Something you wanted - but he didn't? Or an accident?

He is at the end of his tether working 60 hour weeks and you don't know what pressures he might be under at work. Coming home to no rest or respite with a whole other raft of responsibilities and pressures the second he walks through the door.

The thread about 'tell me you have an ND child' gives a chilling look at what it's like to parent ND toddlers, children, teens. This won't change.

Can you get any further help or referrals from your HV or GP? Are there grandparents or siblings you could call on? Does DH's work know what pressures he's under? Can he get special leave of any sort? How is his mental and physical health?

Wishing you all the best.

Agree. Whilst obviously your partner should always try to be as supportive as possible, it can be exhausting and draining being with someone who constantly has high anxiety. It eventually sucks all joy out of life. You need help, and it’s good you’ve sought it out.

It may not be straightforward to access the local crisis team OP. If so, NHS111 may be able to arrange for you to be seen by mental health specialist at A&E, OP.

They did this for someone I know recently.

I agree with PPs, you sound really quite unwell and in need of urgent help. While your DH hasn't handled this in the best way, he may not have appreciated the extent to which your MH is deteriorating.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds absolutely horrendous for you and it must be extremely difficult.

I can see that you are upset by what your husband said/did. He has not approached this well. However, I think he is also struggling under extremely difficult circumstances and, like you, is at the end of his tether with it all.

You need to seek support today - via A&E if needs be. You are in crisis and need urgent help.

Are there any friends/relatives you can call to come and help for a bit? Perhaps someone to support today will take the pressure off slightly.