To feel like my child free friends want me to dislike having a child?

This isn't my experience.

Admittedly most of my friends have children but a couple are child free.

When I was going through infertility I felt pitied by everyone for not having a child, I felt like I had to explain to to all the sympathetic faces why I didn't have any.

It just shows it can be both ways dependent on the circles you move in but I feel like society in general pities people without children.

I think it's an age and demographic thing OP. I'm 45 and was the first of my university peers to have children (I was 24 when DD was born). My childless friends (all of them at that point!) were really supportive. Lots of them now have children, many don't. It's not something that's even really discussed.

I have noticed what you say with my younger colleagues. It must be very irritating!

Years ago when my kids were little I managed to scrape together enough money for a hair cut and style . General chitchat as usual, hairdresser asked if I had kids. I confirmed I had 2 little boys. Then she launched into a long diatribe about how she never wants kids, he hates them bla blah blah. It lasted for the entire duration of the hair styling and I was a captive audience. I serious have never heard anyone bang on about children in such a deranged manner, I actually found it quite sinister and disturbing 😳 After my haircut I politely paid and never went back

What?
Children don't always come to order. Infertility and secondary Infertility are hard things to deal with.
Then throw in women who could easily get pregnant but who's pregnancy would put too much strain on their own body putting their own life in danger.

And some people put Children off from financial reasons. MN is so judgemental about people who have children but can't afford nursery them.

I genuinely wouldn't know what to say if someone told me that

Really? You'd have no idea what to say if someone told you their child had learned to walk? No clue at all of something appropriate to respond with? It doesn't sound like you suffer with communication difficulties in general as you can talk for hours about other subjects so why, specifically, does one innane comment about a child throw you to the point of being speechless?

People often make comments or tell me things I have zero actual interest in. People in work or clients, talking about their new extension or their pets, that they're going to be a grandparent or about their visit to Germany last month or the bargain they found on their new shoes. But I'm not a rude, dismissive prick so rather than sneer I say...

Oh how lovely.
Oh that's beautiful, such a lucky find!
Wow, sounds fantastic.
Congratulations, you must be so excited.

It's really, really not difficult or unusual at all and happens to most people often.

However this post pretty clearly proves the op's point. Some people will go to absolute lengths to try and make a point about how below their notice children are. It's odd and I suspect is usually a mask for other things.

Sometimes people feel if you have a baby/ child you don’t realise you need a break and they want to help. My mum and friends all used to say ‘oh is dh going to take the dc while you do (insert thing I wanted the kids to see anyway😅)’ and I’d say ‘no I wanted to bring them’. Which is hilarious as growing up my mum used to roll her eyes at the people who said they couldn’t wait for their kids to be old enough to not be around all the time😅

Not wanting children for yourself I can I understand. But hating all children is really odd. Why ? Children are our society's future, with the way birthrates are falling around the world we should be grateful to anyone willingly reproducing. Just who do these child-haters think will be paying the taxes when they are drawing their pension ?

I have one large friendship group (my closest and oldest friends) who are all very anti-children. They always have been. They see children as a complete annoyance and have no interest in my children.
To be honest, I just accept that this who they are and I don't let it bother me. I'm very happy with my life. They're very happy with their lives.
When I see them we just talk about other stuff. I feel I can revert to being the old me when I'm with them (not the sensible "mum" that I am now).
I do have other friends with kids though and I also have friends without kids who love children and make a fuss of mine. So I have people I can talk to about the trials and tribulations of raising a family.

Wut? If they wanted children, they would have them.

Oh I wasn’t saying you were rude, just that as in OP’s example, it seems to be ok to be dismissive of people’s interest in their children in a way you wouldn’t be dismissive of another interest.

Haha sadly I think it would be a bit rude to send him off to someone else, I’d happily send DP off to his friends when he starts talking about football though 😂

😂😂

The dog thing is so true! During the pandemic when we had to participate in tedious “team engagement” zoom calls, every new dog acquired was announced to the team at large, photos were shared and cooed over, the dog would be introduced on a call and its cute habits and development would be discussed. Those of us who were on our knees trying to keep up with work while looking after and home schooling our small children, and making time for the pointless team Zoom calls, were expected to ooh and ahh over the dogs while the owners told us how little sleep they were getting (ha!) and our children were kept out of sight and never spoken about!

Op I'd look for some Saturday morning activities for your LO. Maybe not now as we are so close to summer but when things start up again in August / September.

It really does seem like you need a new friendship group. And it's certainly good to have friends with children who are a similar age.

Tbh I like my friends, so I will intentionally show interest in their children, but it's because I care about my friends, not because I have any interest in the children. I couldn't care less about anyone else's.

But dogs...OMG! If you have a dog, I will want to meet him/her.

I don’t think they want you to dislike having a child, they’re just not interested in children themselves. I’m parent to a 21yo, he’s the light of my life but I’ve never been maternal. I fuss over the few babies I meet but just because it’s the expected thing to do. Would much rather play with a dog.

@Nottodaythankyou123 I mean, I'd show an interest in the sense that I'd say "aw, she's cute" or "oh, I bet you're pleased toilet training is over" but that would be the extent of it.

Using your military history example - DH could talk for hours about fishing but it doesn't interest me in the slightest and I wouldn't sit and listen to him go on either -
I'd send him round to talk to his dad 😂

It’s just flat out rude and horrible to say insulting things to a persons face about someone they love. So weird that is is remotely socially acceptable about children.

Op you will find your mum friends in due course I hope.

As for the pp whose “oldest friend” calls her Dd it - she needs to be dumped asap.

I would Suspect that some of this is coming from a place of pain. Maybe not all of them. Some might just be dicks who can’t abide being friends with someone who has a different lifestyle to them.

Keep pushing on the mum friend front. Ask yourself are you being a bit snobby about it yourself? Are you expecting the mums you meet to come from the same sort of social circle? Perhaps expand your horizons a bit. You will get another opportunity to make mum friends when your child starts school.

I have kids & dogs.
I can't take anyone seriously when they say they love their dog as much as they would a child.
Firstly, you have no children so how do you know that you love little Fifi as much as you would your own human baby?
Secondly, no matter how much you love them little Fifi is still a bloody dog (yes, another species entirely separate to your own went through pregnancy, birth and child rearing just for you to carry on with your delusions of parenthood!) It doesn't do most dogs any favours being treated like a human child, so your also a crap dog owner as well!

But if their children are old enough to have children themselves, they must be adults. So that isn’t you not wanting to have anything to do with children, it’s you not wanting to know anything about their wider families.

Do you extend that to not talking about your own partner? Or your siblings or parents? Or is that somehow completely different?

I think anyone who is openly rude about something important to you isn't a very nice friend, simple as. Be that about your kid/dog/toy train collection.

Friendship is a give and take. If you want to stay friends with these people, tell them outright that them speaking like that upsets you. Their choice to either pack it in and keep their pal or let you go - off to make new friends who are more respectful!

For what it's worth, I'm child free by choice (10y partner, v secure) and I've never been so rude to my close friends with children. I've fed them from bottles and helped with nappies because I love my friend. There is a certain amount of grief you feel around any life change, a missing of "how it once was" but life always changes. So again, give and take to keep your friendship alive. I sit in many a living room watching miss rachel and my friends get the odd babysitter and come out to the pub (they just don't drink as breastfeeding).

I went to a cafe recently where the queue was about 20 deep, I had my objectively very cute three week old with me. The man in front of me had a puppy. As he left every person on the queue squealed and cooed and gushed over this puppy so loudly and excessively that they all laughed at themselves, I then walked out with my human baby who was barely even glanced at 😂 i

The point is that IP’s friends aren’t keeping their thoughts private! They are telling her, the child in question’s mother, how much they hate children.

OP it’s weird and rude, and you should find new friends who aren’t dickheads. DH has a couple of friends like this, it’s not the only topic they are dickheads about, and I avoid them. I have childfree friends who are nothing like this.