To ask DD to make it up with her dad

Has he ever physically pushed her, or anyone else in the family before? Has he lost his temper like this in the past? Why did he lose his temper so quickly? Were they getting on okay before this? I would be really upset if my dad pushed me.

I know you just want your family back in harmony again, and none of this is in any way your fault, but you need to accept that this is a lot more serious than you seem to realise. He assaulted her. That is not something that should ever happen, so however many times that you plead that it only happened once, it's still appalling. I have a lot of sympathy for you, you didn't cause this and having a rift in the family is so painful - but you can't expect your daughter to move past this for the sake of your feelings. She needs you to support her and stand up for her, not guilt-trip her into papering over what has happened.

Your DH should be deeply ashamed of himself. Not only was it incredibly rude to interrupt her work call without warning, but he physically dominated her and assaulted her. I think you need to prepare yourself for this not blowing over.

So he has zero respect for her work, shoved her and shouted at her. But because she's a girl, she should comply and apologise because it's easier than convincing your abusive misogynistic husband to grovel and fix things.

Nice.

He's been so kind helping her move house this year and supporting her through her recent divorce, I would hope that would count for something.

This is something I found weird in your OP and I can't quite put my finger on why. It might be that you are calling his actions as kind whilst I would consider it normal behaviour for a parent. Neither kind nor unkind, it's just what parents do. It's like saying he was kind to cook her dinner or was kind to help with her homework as a young child. Unless he's her stepdad?

EDIT - I insisted he apologise to her initially and have made it very clear to him how bad his behaviour was.
^ That is weird too. Didn't he automatically apologise for shoving her? Why are you explaining to him that his behaviour was totally unacceptable? Surely he would already know that

Agree!!

This is mad. Why haven't you had it out with your husband?!

Its your husband who should be reaching out with an olive branch, not her. I'm inclined to wonder how he tried to get her attention and if perhaps we was rude/aggressive when doing so?

That's the sort of behaviour that would have me ignoring someone and telling them to wait. He could have passed her a note...

I also think she should apologise about being rude to DH when he was trying to communicate with her on the call

I don’t see anything in your description where she was being rude - if anything, it was your DH being rude trying to persist in getting her to talk to him when on a work call. He could / should have just passed her a note. It may be stating the obvious, but a work call is not the same as a social chat.

Honestly, I think the best thing you can do now is just to dial everything down. Keep the lines of communication between you and her open, but don’t push her into doing anything.

As none of us saw the push, I don't think we can assume stuff like this;

You need to tell your other dc what their dad did to their sister and you should be prepared for them to refuse to allow your husband to be around your grandson as he is a dangerous violent man who could lose his temper at anytime and attack your grandson too.

People are clearly picturing different things, and for an we know he 'just'* moved her out of the way mid-argument

• And yes, he shouldn't have done it, but that, as a one off, is not a 'he's violent and he might attack his grandson' moment

Does DD say the same thing as DH regarding what happened which made him push her out of the way?

If my father had ever done that to me, I would never have spoken to him again.

My mother wouldn’t have, either.

There is never an excuse for violence.

@CreativeDaisy why are you blaming your daughter for your husbands physical abuse of her? I ask because you seem to think that she deserved to be assaulted for not doing exactly what your husband wanted when he wanted it. You do realise that your dd is an innocent victim of your husbands abusive and criminal behaviour and could have your husband arrested for assault! Please let that sink in. You're asking a victim of domestic violence to just get over it and pretend that it didn't happen.
I don't know if you're so conditioned by your husbands abusive behaviour that this is normal for you or if you're just in denighal, but this isn't normal. You need to tell your other dc what their dad did to their sister and you should be prepared for them to refuse to allow your husband to be around your grandson as he is a dangerous violent man who could lose his temper at anytime and attack your grandson too.

She wasn't rude! She was in the middle of a call and he RUDELY tried to interrupt whilst she was on a call. Even worse, it was a work call. Which she was only taking at yours because she'd come to HELP you.

He could have slid a note over explaining or sent a text telling her what was going on.

And just WHY did he grab and push her? Out of the way of what? Unless she was then deliberately trying to block him leaving the room or physically assaulted him first then there is NO reason for him to grab her. I'm guessing he actually tried to turn her computer off or something so she stood between them and he tried to physically move her.

Stop trying to make her apologise. She's going to stop speaking to you too

Very tough. I don't think she has to apologise.
Why couldn't he move round her without pushing.
Doesn't sound good. She's very angry.
Going through a divorce. And then this.

All of this! Your DD has nothing to apologise for and if I were you I’d be eating humble pie and expecting your DH to do the same. I don’t blame her for leaving early. How many years has she had to put up with your DH’s behaviour?

I don't understand how the grabbing and pushing came about.

Was he interrupting her meeting to tell her the power was about to go out any moment, so she could warn those in her meeting? Or was it going out later?

Is this a reverse? She drove for fucking hours to ‘help’ you take care of your grandson, and she also had to work remotely at the same time. And her father physically assaulted her because she wouldn’t let him repeatedly interrupt a work meeting? I’d have phoned the police if my husband laid hands on my adult daughter, no wonder she wants nothing to do with you and you’re taking his side!

and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way

Are you fucking kidding me?

I also think she should apologise about being rude to DH when he was trying to communicate with her on the call.

She was on a work call, he knew she was working, and I don't give a fuck if she were rude or not, that doesn't give him a pass to assault her.

However, when I said this in passing to a friend she looked at me like I had two heads and said I was 'condoning violence' which I absolutely am not!

You absolutely fucking are. Nothing your daughter did, or supposedly did, excuses your husband's behaviour. Give you head a fucking wobble.

Mumsnet never ceases to amaze with the number of women who desperately try to minimise the shit behaviour of shit men.

You want her to accept a man putting his hands on her and screaming in her face? Would you think it acceptable if her husband did that to you? Would your husband think it acceptable if she did that to him?

The first time someone is violent SHOULD be a time to reevaluate your relationship with them. If your husband had grabbed and pushed you in anger and you'd started a thread here, the advice would have been to leave and any suggestion of staying would be on the condition that your husband sought help. An apology would not cut it if it were her husband that had done this, and she's right to be wary of someone who reacted violently to a relatively minor perceived slight.