What do you wish you'd known about the teenage years?

Also be careful posting here. There's a certain type of mum who's had children who always do what they're told and never shout, rebel or argue. They stay home practicing grade 8 violin and playing exceptional sport. Some of this is down to parenting - but not as much as they'd like to think! (They also begin every response to every thread about a misbehaving teen with "Well, what are the consequences for them?" as if to say that if only you'd stopped puddings and removed the iPad they wouldn't be behaving the way they do. There's just no recognition that some teens are an absolute handful and approaches need to vary!)

I've parented mine exactly the same way. One is cheerful and compliant, one was more of a handful from the outset (I still have her book from nursery- "strong willed" was used a lot!) and the teen years were challenging.

You work with what you have.

Pick your battles. You want some semblance of a fun, happy relationships, so bite your tongue and fight for the stuff you actually care about.
Things I gave up on: skirt length, number of piercings, eating breakfast, playing an instrument, some awful outfits. Also she had a lot more freedom to go out than I liked BUT she had to tell me where she was and what was going on and keep life 360 on. I also provided a pretty non judgemental ear even when silently screaming.

Things I held firm on: completing school work, revising, always going to school, not bullying or being unkind to other kids, continuing to play one sport, family mealtimes.

It generally worked. She's so used to telling me everything that we have a close relationship and I've been able to help her navigate first boyfriends and friendships. Skirts are longer, clothes "comfy". She's doing well at school, is predicted good A levels, plays first team hockey and is healthy and happy.

She's still a pain in the arse occasionally but she'd probably say that about me as well.

Think it’s over egged neither of mine are rude to us or have rages. It’s finding your way with boundaries and what’s allowed. Have told ours we will always say yes unless we have a good reason to say no. Keep communication open. We try and be collegiate - work issues out together. Try not to be pointlessly strict and doom mongery like our parents were in the 90s.

And find things you can enjoy with them - we eat out / theatre / cinema as a 4 and it’s really fun and positive. Chat to them and listen.

Never knowing what is coming is a terrible, traumatic consequence, you can never plan for it and it can cause awful anxiety and issues later on.

I wish I had more fun. I wish I wasn’t tied down to a boyfriend. I was too young and it wasn’t right for me at the time. I missed out on a lot so I’d encourage my kids to have more fun and enjoy their teenage years!

Another thought - say yes to everything you possibly can.... Blue hair (if school allows) why not, its temporary.... Gig on a school night in a different city.... If Dad's going with you and it's a one off yes, lobes pierced... If you go somewhere reputable and it's OK with school and you are old enough to be careful, go for it. Want to bring all your mates round for lunch when you have a free period and home is a 10 min walk via the chippy.... Yes I'll make sure we have plenty of milk and tea and coffee in. Say yes to the stuff thst doesn't matter, so when you say no there have been plenty of yeses in the bank.

I have a 13 year old and 16 year old and they are lovely. I don't actually regulate screen time at all, except that the 13 yo has Family Link on hers so it blocks at bedtime. I do have regular chats with them tho about Internet safety and bullying and sex. They both have lots of friends and are happy and well adjusted and come to me with personal stuff.

Not all teens are difficult OP. My oldest 2 were and still are lovely, thoughtful and considerate.
My youngest meanwhile is an absolute beast and I'm counting down the days until she leaves home 😂
She was all good, lovely in fact until puberty started then it was all down hill.
Get some thick skin OP x

Don't sweat the small stuff... save your rage/worry/disappointment for the big shit that (if you are unlucky) goes down.

That's my motto 😄

I'd say:

1. Keep them busy and preferably in sports as sporty teens have sporty friends who are more into healthy living/gym than drink/cigs/vapes/drugs. Also a busy teen has less time to navel gaze.

2. Allow them to be trendy and even if it looks awful or you don't get it.

What a fabulous post.

The only thing I'd add, is no matter what you spend on a holiday, they will spend the majority of it asleep in their room. Swines.

Ours were mainly fine. It lulled us into a false sense of security… Until the younger two turned 17.

Suddenly they decided they were adults, didn’t want any house rules or boundaries, come in at whatever time they pleased. One got a (really bad, idiotic tattoo). Both made a series of poor life decisions (dropping out of school, drugs, dodgy friends, awful girlfriends). One has no off switch and has ended up in hospital due to excess alcohol twice. They both became completely self centred and self absorbed.

So basically, be prepared for them to turn into complete arseholes if they’ve been very sweet their entire lives 😂

On the flip side, our two eldest haven’t caused us any bother whatsoever. Aside from the usual low level stuff like leaving their things lying around, not cleaning up after themselves and leaving empty packets in tje cupboards…

Equally, you can have one teenager in a family who is delightful and chilled, and another in the same family with the same parenting style, who finds the transition to adulthood more challenging!

Be prepared to increase your food budget 😬

Also grow a thick skin if you haven’t already got one! My two teenagers are actually lovely and are never rude to me, but I have sometimes struggled with them ‘moving away’ from me. My DD in particular has been through several phases where there has felt like a lot of distance between us; where I’ve sometimes got the feeling I don’t really know her any more. This is all part of her moving towards independence and working out who she is but it has sometimes felt confusing to me because we have previously been close. I think we will be close again in future, but at the moment I’m not really ‘on her radar’ and consideration of my feelings tends to come quite far down her list of considerations when she is deciding whether to do or not to do something (she is 18, not far off 19 so this might be an older teen thing).

And as others have said, pick your battles. I have long since given up trying to get mine to keep their rooms tidy. I just shut the doors so I don’t have to see the mess 🥴

Definitely.

We have phones on the table in the entry by 7pm, including mine and DH will charge any devices, earphones, etc. at 11pm (cheap time) if needed.

Put as much as you can in now before the teen years start. So start applying the advice about chatting in the car and doing things together one on one and leaving little treats and knowing all the friends and keeping an open house now and those habits will stick. One of the best things I read when my now teen was small was one day your kids will make a mistake and when that day comes you want them to run to you for help and not away from you in fear. The other thing I say to mine which is what my mother said to me, ring me no matter where you are and what time it is I'll go and get you.

Oh and I would ban phones in the bedroom at night. They need sleep and it’s too tempting to stay online. Much easier to have this as a rule from the beginning than trying to implement it with a moody teen!

That they actually need as much, if not more mothering than when they were babies. Obviously all teens are different, but although they will push you away one moment, the next they need hugs and taking care of although they may find this hard to articulate. Don’t worry what anyone else is doing, the teen years vary greatly from family to family and child to child. If at all possible, keep the lines of communication open, even if by texts in rooms next to each other.

That the crap, the shit, it’s not all them. Age 12 Ds14 started shouting one day over something trivial and he looked confused that he was even shouting and I said ‘look, do you want to go upstairs and I’ll make you a toasted sandwich and you can catch a breath.’ Im still proud as I was ready to snap at the time.

Also sometimes the best parenting is just sitting with them watching them gaming or watching you tube.

Also secondary school is like a zoo and they deserve congratulations sometimes on navigating it.

Mental health is soooo important (2 little lads from son’s class have been in hospital this year)🙁

Also screen time needs to be regulated and sometimes you have to treat them like kids to get them out of their room and bring them back to real life (board game nights or hikes or helping you out for bribes etc)

Eldest is 16, we have 4 boys youngest is 9 so advice may change😅

Ours are 19 and 16 and the teen years have been great.

They’re lovely young men, thoughtful (mostly), funny and they make me proud.

I don’t think we’ve done anything remarkable to get here. We pick our battles, are consistent with what’s important and if we say there will be a consequence to an action then we follow through with that. To be honest that’s no different to how we parented them when they were much younger so they know that we mean what we say.

Talking in the car is always a good option to avoid having to look at each other!

Accept that some of their choices will be different to what you’d expected / hoped for (in terms of GCSE choices, where to go for 6th form, hobbies etc) but accept that they’re their choices to make and as long as they’ve considered all options and haven’t overlooked something obvious, support them with that choice.

Keep them active - gym, sports etc and be prepared for their huge appetites - having a good supply of high protein, healthy foods is important!

Agree with all this, especially being open to finding things you all enjoy (which might not be what you’d otherwise choose). After all, you watched Balamory with them and that wouldn’t be your choice either. Find common ground so that you can do things together enjoyably. There will be times when you have to talk to them seriously so making sure you can also still relax together is importantly- don’t run the risk of having every exchange being you telling them to tidy up/do their homework/be home on time because that’s bad for your relationship. You’re still the fun person you were before and so are they.

Most teens are lovely. They can push boundaries because that’s what being a teen is about but don’t lose sight of the fact that they are still your lovable child and still need you to be their parent.

It’s great, honestly!

I’m a single parent too OP. My son is 11.5 and is the most kind, caring, honest boy I could wish for…but I’m dreading the hormones and change in him. This post is very helpful-thank you!

Some great advice on here, am parking it up for when dd hits the teens!

I've loved the teen stage, I'd take it any day over babies. My advice would be to help them keep on top of school work and have something you do with them that you both enjoy. Be aware that they need as much guidance and support at this age as they do at any age - and possibly much more!

Not all are teenagers are difficult, Op.
That's my advice. Always talk and be available for them too. Our ds, 18 (almost 19)a has honestly never brought us a moment of trouble. Kind, considerate, polite, hardworking, affectionate and responsible. He doesn't drink but if he goes to a music gig etc with mates he keeps in touch with me re getting home and as a result never needed a curfew when younger. He can stays out as late as he likes nowadays, but as a result, doesn't. We are both close to him which I think massively helps.
The majority of teenagers are okay, i think. All of ds's friends are lovely, polite and chilled and were when younger too. Don't buy into the trope that your child will hit their teen years and automatically become unrecognisable!

Agree with lots of the above, particularly hugging them randomly until they pull away (sometimes they’ll surprise you how long they’ll tolerate it for). If they’re having a tough time and don’t want to talk, a small act of kindness (putting a hot chocolate in their room without saying a word etc) can open the floodgates or at least raise a smile. The teens have been my favourite stage so far, so don’t be scared of it - loads of teens make it through without causing a whole lot of drama!