What do you wish you'd known about the teenage years?

Exactly.. and how frustrating and lonely it sometimes felt to have a parent brush over it or half arsed “ahh yeah” when talking about something important to us. I didn’t want to be that parent, so I was fully tuned in during the teen years and always ready to listen and make them feel better.

Yes it constantly surprises me how many parents completely forget what it was like to be a teen. Those years are etched in my memory and I try to remember them whenever DD is feeling "off" or hormonal.

Great honest post. So true how we have to remember how we felt back then and how everything felt like a big deal.

I think the most important thing is to remember how you felt yourself and remember how important things were to you that may not seem to be important to adults. I’ve 4 children and now with my third starting secondary I’m for the first time dealing with a son who is telling me more than the others, how nervous he is of starting over, trying to make new friends, how he’s worrying about figuring out lockers and finding his way around etc

One of my other children I remember suddenly shouted at me that I wasn’t listening in a totally ott shout but as he did I looked at him and he looked like he had no clue why he was being irrational- he looked confused and it stopped me from shouting back- I felt so bad for him - damn hormones!!!!!

There’s been so much good advice. I would say find ways to avoid getting angry with them. I go into my daughter’s room and pick up dirty washing and empty plates instead of turning it into a chore or argument trying to get her to do it herself. I save my energy for bigger things and it keeps the atmosphere in our house happy. Plenty of time to bug her about a clean bedroom when she’s through the drama and hormones

Just another voice saying it might not be bad, we usually only hear the horror stories on here. There’s a few threads about lovely teens and they are great to read. Me and my sisters were fine during teens and my boys were fine, bit grumpy sometimes but nothing else

YES!
Their brains are completely re-wiring, they may look more grown up but they need us more than ever!
DD (13) is currently going through a really clingy phase, exactly like she did when she was 2/3. I am back to being followed everywhere including the toilet 🤣

Super strict boundaries don't work. Firm but fair is the way to go

Totally agree with this.

I managed to hold out with mine until they were thirteen but then capitulated when they were travelling to secondary school alone for the first time.

Also, not everything that they are doing on their phone is horrendous!

Phones are also music centres, encyclopaedias, a way of keeping in touch with friends, a cinema, a diary etc and we used to spend time doing all of those things separately before phones were on the scene!

As long as you make sure that they have a fairly busy schedule with lots of physical exercise thrown in, and they are aware of all the dangers, and you as parents set a good example with phone use (we have a no phone overnight rule) then you can’t go too far wrong. It’s the bed-rotting and aimless doom-scrolling that’s the problem.

Nothing, it's been the easiest and most fun parent of parenting for me. Don't overthink it!

I can't agree more with the comment above about remembering that things have changed since we were young.

The pressure to look/think/act/be a certain way is much harder in many ways. I have teen magazines and swap shop. My youngest is faced with a world full of filters and false news and Naked Attraction. I'm glad I'm not a teen now.

The best advice that I had is that teenagers are similar to toddlers in many ways. Their brains are developing, impulse control can be an issue, and they always need snacks.

I agree with that. From when they could speak we never put up with them being rude to us. So as teens they are not rude to us. We are very “lucky” that our teens are so nice to be around according to friends who were more lax …

I'm halfway through the teenage years with my three. So far I'm loving it.

I'm very proud of the kind, hardworking people they choose to be.

I think parenting teenagers starts when your children are much, much younger. Build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. I have always spoken respectfully to my children. I have always listened to them and been prepared to accept that I'm wrong about some things. I am their biggest cheerleader. I love them unconditionally. I teach them the skills they need to be independent adults and always asked them to try to solve things themselves, but I am also happy to step in if they ask for my help.

The dynamic in our house is that I'm the grown-up and ultimately everyone's safety and wellbeing is my business, but I trust them to do things their own way.

Tell them you love them often. Even when they've been little buggers, explain that it's their behaviour you don't like but you still love them.

Never go to bed on an argument. Always make up before saying good night.

Never let them walk out of the door on an argument, always let the last words they hear from you is I love you.

Remember things have changed from when we were young.

Appreciate the challenges social media brings.

Pick your battles.

Try and understand things from their perspective.

Remember that even though what they are worrying about may seem trivial to us, it can be huge for them.

Don't assume the teen years are going to be challenging- I loved them at this age. I had no issues either either of mine, after all the warnings I had of how difficult they would be, it was a pleasant surprise.

OP, I’m a single mum too and have 3 daughters. One is older, but two have gone through the teens together!
It has been the hardest phase of my parenting journey, by a country mile. There’s a lot I wished I had known and done differently.
I try to make it known to mine that I am always here for them, that they are first and centre in my world and that I love them unconditionally. I‘m here to talk to and will approach that in the way that they need. So if it’s just a vent without me talking too much, fine. If it’s advice they want, fine. But don’t assume that they want more than just to be listened to!
My sister has 3 teenage boys and finds it easy 🤷‍♀️

Why? In what way?

I am so sorry you are going through this

I agree with all of this.
Picking your battles is a must. Perspective is key. So they want a pierced nose. Do I love it? Not especially. But a pierced nose is preferable to ear stretchers or whatever they’re called. So I let it slide.
We always said friends were welcome any time. I’d want mine welcomed by like minded parents if they’d flounced out of here in a strop.

The cost of teens is massive! Trainers, phones, driving, uni, festivals…
I don’t know what the answer is but social media telling kids what they should buy/think/wear/eat and the instafication of their entire existence is a challenge; we need to raise smart young people. It’s hard.

Have some, but not many, important boundaries that you consistently and without exception enforce. The rest let go and go with the flow.
It's not personal.

Literally impossible to ban smartphones from teens. All their homework is assigned on an app, the exam timetable and seating plan for GCSEs is on another app, bus tickets are on an app and that’s even before you get to the more social side of things.

Stringent controls of the phone and the wifi, an open loving honest relationship where they can come to you if they need to and charging it outside the bedroom at night is what’s needed.

At 18 you are still just as much of a hormonal numpty as you are at 14 imo and to just be given a smartphone and popped off to uni is not going to end well. This is a digital world and it’s our responsibility to teach teens how to safely navigate it.

Would have been sooo much easier if other parents had banned phones but nope was just us holding out as the weirdo lone wolves. Kudos to anyone that manages it without their child hating them / having a secret entirely uncontrolled phone.

Dds friends dad threw her phone in their garden pond but she just got a secret burner one.

Bloody hard isn’t it xx

I can’t see a total ban here for the foreseeable.
And of course for individual sets of parents it’s a nigh on impossible and unsurmountable task to close the stable door as it were alone in a vacuum.

no judgement here duck xx
I suppose I was just making a point from a professional perspective in a generic way rather than in a direct and practical response to the OP.
xx

Sorry I am touchy about phone use because we failed. We said no and really wanted to keep saying no but faced with a weepy 13 year old saying our rules were making her left out of her friendship group and all the other parents thinking we were unreasonable nutters we caved.

We literally only know one family that managed no phones and yes their kids are socially excluded and seen as odd. Maybe parents of younger teens are managing this better than us gen xers did.

OP, it saved my sanity to keep reminding myself that living with teenagers is natures way of ensuring they get kicked out of the nest 😂

Both of mine (boy and girl) were bloody awful for long periods of time, but never all the time?

So when they start giving backchat, leaving detrius everywhere they go, grow penicillin in their bedroom, roll their eyes at everything you say....etc etc, just repeat to yourself 'It's just natures way of ensuring they irritate me enough to ensure they become independent' 😉

Yes this is of course tricky -old style non- smart phones still allow texting/calls, however…

I am also advocating for a total ban and think in meantime parents need to inform themselves of the risks and take more responsibility for their teens access to socials/ online content/ screen time/ and existing via the online world

more generally

Unless you have appropriate parental controls in place, are monitoring their use and doing spot checks - (because you are clear you actually own and will therefore control the device) you are letting your kids navigate the Wild Wild West.

And when it goes wrong, which it frequently, does it can be catastrophic.