WWYD- 2 very different children

If your uni child is living on student loans in term time what financial support are you actually giving them? If it’s basically a room in your house / not charging them for bills, food etc, couldn’t you do the same for the younger (while encouraging / expecting them to save?)

The one at university will need to get a job at some point though? How are they planning for that? You can't support them forever.

Does the older one live at home during the holidays? And given that she's not been affected enough to be diagnosed, is she really absolutely incapable of doing a simple student type job in the holidays?

It might be that the younger one things you're underestimating her sibling?

Oh yeah that won’t go well… your kid2 will see this as pass through supporting kid1.

I think maybe a different tack than the one usually taken. A savings account in your name that kid2 can see bank statements on a regular basis that shows their contribution growing… and mor importantly not going as a pass through to kid1.

Correct. It's binary, just like you can't be slightly pregnant!

It isn’t about wanting to swap lives with the sibling. It’s more about a feeling that your own wants, needs and desires always come second to someone else’s because you’re the lucky one. While that might be true in a broad sense it still stings. That isn’t to say every sibling of a child with a disability will feel that way but they aren’t uncommon feelings either.

It's not fair to financially support one child and not the other. You sound like my PIL who financially supported (significantly) their high functioning autistic son at university but not my DP who left home in his teens and has always worked.

I have a similar situation but my high flier is also excellent at money mangement and has a job. The social one is totally disorganised but manages to scrape through

First also has high anxiety, perfectionist tendencies and needs lots of reassurance and time from us. Second needs guidance, and bailing out.

Other than the bailing out bit, do we have the same children?

It sounds really mixed that they are described as “slightly autistic” but then you go onto say they won’t eat without your financial aid? If they can’t get a job in holidays what’s the plan for after uni, will they never work/ live fully independently? It sounds much more complex than the OP and I agree with other posters that it sounds like you do seem to favour the uni one over the younger just in terms of the language used to describe both. It may be subconscious but clearly the younger sibling feels hard done by, whether that’s true or not. Really I wouldn’t give to one without doing the same for the other when it comes to finances regardless of their ND, unless one cannot at all live independently in which case it’s surely clear why they’d need additional support and you’d assume the younger child would understand?

Imho, you've got to financially support them both the same. The one with the job currently will therefore be better off, currently. But the one at uni may well be better off in the long run. So you really must support both the same so that they stand a chance of having a good relationship with each other in the future, and after you are gone.

I was going to ask this. If not, then financially they are both benefitting but just in different ways.

I have a similar situation but my high flier is also excellent at money mangement and has a job. The social one is totally disorganised but manages to scrape through. Lives at home as they don't make enough to move out.

First also has high anxiety, perfectionist tendencies and needs lots of reassurance and time from us. Second needs guidance, and bailing out.

I've always explained to both that we give them what they need so it's fair but not always equal.

Sure you’ll have to work hard and we’re not going to help

Except that's not remotely what OP has said

Your second child may well think that you favour your oldest as he is so academic, and that feeds resentment, which is focused on ypur financial support of your eldest. Is tutoring a possibility? Can be online or in person.

Do you think your second is not going onto futher education because she (?) thinks she won't be able to do as well as her brother? With A levels she could get a better paid job than working in a cafe. Can you talk to her about what she'd really like to do - there are so many options, from further/higher education, appretenships to travelling.

Working in a cafe as a backpacker is more fun in Sydney, living in a backpackers hostel, than doing it in your home town, while living at home, while your friends are off at college or starting careers.

OP can mention that and empathise with the younger one about that if it applies (in my DCs' case, it doesn't) within that conversation. But in this situation which is about a particular type of support, putting across that #2 would not want to swap lives with her sister, isn't out of place.

Kid2 has chosen to get a job after A levels. If they had chosen to go to University I suspect they would have been supported by their parents to a certain degree as they have persumably been supported through A levels. No one is sending anyone up chimneys or the modern equivalent

I can see where you are coming from but as a NT sibling of a brother with Autism this is still the angle I would take.

Its not as if the 2nd child has been forced to get a job to support thrmselves/contribute to the family. They have persumably been supported through A levels and has a job since 12 because they wanted to.

My sibling has received more support than myself from my parents both financially and practically because he has needed it and I havent resented any of it.

Oh dear I suspect that this would not go well.

“Oi…kid2 you’re super lucky to not have kid’s problems now go out there and earn you own damn way while I take care of your sibling. Sure you’ll have to work hard and we’re not going to help but hey at least you can make friends”

Will the younger one be paying to live at home once they start working?

When you say they 'don't eat' do you mean literally starving themselves unless you are there to feed them, or in the proverbial sense of not having income? Because if its the first scenario that's a much more profound autism than your post implies and suggests someone incapable of independent living.

That.

I have one 'slightly autistic' academic, anxious and perfectionist child, and one super chilled and social child. The former would give everything to be able to navigate the social world like her sibling.

While I don’t entirely disagree with the sentiments here I do think approaching it from that angle is only going to deepen resentment.

Its hard, really hard, being the sibling of someone with no social skills, either because of autism or just because. What does tend to happen IME is a constant conflict between resentment and guilt. Your own social life and friendships are impeded by the sibling so you feel resentment but then also guilt because they are your brother/sister and you’re glad it’s them not you (and people will tell you this too.) It isn’t really an enviable position though.

As you should treat children fairly, then any financial support you give the older one you should also be putting aside for the younger one when they need it e.g. a house deposit, car deposit.

If you cannot afford to put aside an equal amount then I suggest you lower the amount you are giving the eldest and help them to find a job that they can manage.