WWYD- 2 very different children

OP, both of your kids are different people with different characteristics. Only you can tell what is the best for either of them and no Doreen from mumsnet has any right to put you down because she turfed her kid out day after A levels and has lived to regret it, but can't help herself brining it out on you here.

I can understand how an autistic (dg or not) dc may be able enough to excel in their narrow area of interest in an atmosphere like Cambridge, but struggle in a menial student type job in the summer. Social situation doesn't help, while travelling bypasses that by enabling them to get out of their shell. Add to that the fact that autism often comes with summertime dysphoria and you've got the perfect storm. I haven't got a solution, perhaps an online job in an area close to their study field or an internship may help?

Your second dc, I see their point too, however I would point out that image where several different animals are required to do a test, where they have to climb a tree. Easy enough for a monkey, impossible for the fish. But you're the parent to both the monkey and the fish. Perhaps save up the same amount as you give to the DC1 and explain to DC2 they can have their share at 25?

If they can manage at Cambridge they can manage a job. Probably one that pays better than working a cafe or being a housemaid (?)

I'd like to know who was employing a 12-year-old in 2017/18. Was one of their colleagues The Artful Dodger?

Please don't, high functioning is not used anymore, hasn't been for years and is hated by the Actually Autistic community as it is meaningless.

Are you missing the point for England at the upcoming Olympics?

How they going to get a job after uni if they haven’t acquired the skills?
I agree if u support one u need support the others.

If your eldest is autistic enough for it to have made it impossible for him to find work but you haven’t pursued a diagnosis or support for him then it sounds a bit like you’ve thrown money at him instead of helping them with the skills he needs to be able to get a job.

Whereas your youngest has these skills and instead of helping them with the investment they need to be able to thrive in a fairly cutthroat environment without a bachelor’s degrees, you’re going to instill the lesson that if they leave education they pay their way.

I can kind of see why your youngest might see this as unfair. You aren’t putting the same emphasis on paying your way for your eldest as you are for your youngest. Even though, ultimately, they both need to be able to do this.

But I don’t think your plan to have your youngest contribute when they leave school and have a job, and putting that money in a savings account for them is bad. Though you should probably work out what you’ve really spent on supporting the eldest and if it’s more than you’ll spend on housekeeping for youngest, consider topping up the savings account. I also think it will seem more real to youngest if you let that savings account be in their name.

I would be explicit about this with the younger one - tell them that you are trying to ensure both they and their sibling end up being able to thrive as adults and that takes different kinds of investment since the paths they want to take are different. Tell younger one that sibling is getting a fair amount of support at the moment because these years - the 10 or so between secondary school and setting up independently - are difficult ones and eldest is getting an investment in education. Younger sibling is not looking for that sort of investment so you will probably help them with saving for a [house deposit/setting up a business/etc.] as employment likely to be less lucrative for them long term. And that you can do that by covering their costs if they live at home providing they put x per week in a long term savings (and this is their bit of the investment that you are helping with, just as eldest is putting in their own bit of their investment by studying). And if you are going to provide cash support as well then let them know that too.

Ah. If it's travel and holidays that you're funding, I can see why the sibling is upset.

Your justification might make sense to you, but to her, you're paying a lot of money for her older sibling to have jolly holidays with their mates.

There are a lot of options that are not the standard student jobs for someone who is at Cambridge.

Most colleges will employ students during term time in part time admin positions if they need financial support. On a lot of Cambridge courses frankly most people have limited social skills. There are also hardship funds.

Most colleges also have very low rents etc and extremely subsidised catering.

The careers service also offer guidance on internships where your child could work over the summer. Again, for many courses and for many internships a lack of social skills is acceptable if the academics are good enough,

I had shit social skills at uni and even I managed to get an internship.

How does your youngest know about oldest dc financial situation?

You shouldn't be funding holidays. He comes home, eats at home and does chores if not working.

What does your oldest need “lots of money” for while they aren’t at university and doesn’t have a job?

I assume if they aren’t capable of getting a job, they aren’t capable of having a busy social life either (as otherwise they could cope with some kind of part-time job, surely?)

I am only asking because while it may not be unfair at the moment, I think it could easily slip into being unfair in terms of expectations etc. Do your children have equal responsibilities around the home?

But in this situation your youngest is the one showing the undesirable character traits of jealousy and envy, so of course you aren't going to sound especially pleased with her in these posts even though you are in general!

Isn't it a fairly standard message that you get financial support as long as you are in education (often with a caveat) and that when you aren't in education you get a job and support yourself? Why would your youngest expect you to support her as a working adult?

I think the focus on finances is a red herring. Effectively your younger child is the sibling of a child with significant additional needs. It's well recognised that such siblings receive less attention and grow up faster than than they could expect in a family without a disabled child (as evidenced by your child working from such a young age). The focus is on money right now because it's concrete and that's what teenagers think about. But it's probably really about having to take a back seat to your eldest throughout childhood and they're probably finding it especially difficult given that on the surface it looks like your eldest is a high achiever.

This isn't supposed to sound like I'm having a go at you btw, it's something most families with a disabled child have to face, but perhaps looking through this lens might be useful.

But if there is no diagnosis in this day and age then I wouldn't believe that they are autistic.

So the oldest child has no diagnosis of autism? I wouldn’t just go round describing them as slightly autistic when there’s been no diagnosis then and slightly autistic is not a thing.

I think if dc2 is living at home at a reduced or no rent to allow them to save then it will be probably be equal to what dc1 is getting so it’s fair. I do think you need to treat them fairly. It might be in the exact same way but it needs to be fair.

I'm not sure about all this "they must be treated equally or they will feel resentful." These are not 4 year olds who both want the same toy. They are adults (yes young adults) but adults all the same who are lucky they are getting any support from their parents at all. Yes it would be nice if they both got exactly the same but what if there isnt that much money to go around? You can't give what you dont have.

Is DC1s academic qualification just for the sake of it and they will spend their adult lives on benefits? If so fair enough but that sounds like they are quite seriously incapacitated.

Or do they plan to work after Uni in the sector they want, but are not prepared to get their hands dirty on the way? Obviously there are many jobs unsuitable for a person with autism such as customer facing roles but I find it hard to believe that someone who can navigate their way through Uni is literally incapable of work until qualified. On some level they are being enabled and are being unreasonable.

One of my kids went away to university and needed the financial support that is expected. The other had a bursary that covered the cost of her degree at a local university, and lived at home.

Both chose their route. Are you saying that I should have given the bursary one the same amount of money that the other one needed to get her degree? That makes no sense to me.

I fully expected that our children would have different financial needs at different times, at which point we'd step in. And that's pretty much entirely how it's panned out. I've been paying a lot to help out the bursary child, fifteen years later, with childcare costs. Which the other one will never need.

Who knows what's ahead for OP 's kids. They're only in their late teens. And if the younger one is only going for low paid work, she's likely to be needing help with a roof over her head at some point. OP hasn't shown any sign that she's going to refuse to help in the future.

This reminds me of my friend's parents. They left more in their will to my friend's sibling because sibling had got divorced and was single, where my friend was married. Exactly six months after the last parent died (leaving sibling two thirds, and friend one third), friend's husband died. It has been very, very difficult for her to reconcile it all. She feels her parents always favoured the sibling, and always wanted to give more to the sibling, who was happy to allow the bias to develop. Sibling relationship is civil but gradually fading to nothing.

Speaking as the younger sibling of a child very similar to your oldest - my brother was very bright but struggled socially, and struggled to hold down any part time jobs, he got them but then lost them pretty quickly due to struggling to follow instructions, poor time keeping, becoming withdrawn under pressure - please treat them the same, or at least offer too.
My parents scrimped and took on extra jobs to send him to private school as couldn't manage in mainstream. They offered me same option which I declined, and unknown to me, as soon as he finished, they kept putting same anount aside for me and gave to me towards a house deposit.
Its so important to treat children as equal. The amount you give them may be used on different things, but needs to be the same. If oldests needs are limiting them, its important they get assessed - they may be eligible for support with finding work, for PIP payments etc.
Anything else is unfair and will likely create deep-seated resentment in your youngest.

You can also just say a child in full time education gets this amount of support, a child not in full time education gets that amount of support. Both sets of children get until age 25.

Why don't you give the same amount of financial support to the younger one?