WWYD- 2 very different children

DH is (probably, DD is diagnosed) autistic and it was when he left Cambridge the wheels started to come off a bit. Cambridge is a very supportive place for some people.

what's the long term plan? How long do you plan to fund DC1? What if they cannot find a job after graduation from Cambridge because they are, ahem, 'slightly autistic'?

@FluentRubyDog it's not terminology I'd use but I'd say talking in terms of support is generally more helpful. Because that is the OP's problem. Two DC who need different approaches. Especially if the older one is undiagnosed.

As I said in my post, my parents were financially completely fair in a similar situation. They've always divided up what they had to give us 50/50 and if we've chosen to use it differently, then that's been OK.

I think the OP should do that. Figure out what she can afford and split it equally.

The living at home child may want to go to university or college later, or train in a trade. Maybe they'd like to travel too. The university one may be back living at home in due course - probably will, if they forget to eat left to their own devices!

I suppose the way I would look at it and explain it is, treating kids equally doesn't mean them getting the exact same thing. You support them when they need you. Right now your daughter is young and doesn't need much from you financially. However in the future she might well need your financial support and you can reassure her you will absolutely give that to her.

In the future your son may well be able to support himself financially and so your support will stop.

I'm one of three siblings and I've been lucky that I haven't needed much support financial or otherwise from my parents. My siblings have been through some stuff that means they have. I've never felt resentment because I know with absolute certainty they'd offer the same support to me.

So eldest hasn't even been diagnosed?

So youngest who struggles academically and has a good work ethic deems it unfair and you can't see why because you've self diagnosed eldest as slightly autistic. And you're seeing that as far more of a barrier than having a possible learning difficulty (why haven't you self diagnosed your youngest as that?)

Fwiw my ds is autistic and what would be described as high functioning (it's based on iq and not levels of functioning)

What I would do when your eldest comes home you need to be giving her chores - daily. You need to be making her cook meals - daily.
She needs to learn the skills if her iq is ok and she doesn't have learning difficulties. Not be sitting around being waited on hand and foot whilst her younger sister is out working.

OP I have a very similar experience.

DS was at Cambridge and would actually starve if I didn’t send money. He couldn’t study full time and work. His sister has a fabulous work ethic and good organisational skills and I have never had to “bail her out.”

As suggested upthread, the way I deal with it is I put money aside for DD roughly equal to what I spend on DS. It probably isn’t quite as much, but overall it takes away any feeling of guilt. DD doesn’t actually know what I give DS anyway as it is none of her business in my view. They are older now, mid/late twenties, and I only recently told DD about the money I put aside for her. She is thrilled, and won’t ask for it unless it’s for something substantial.

My DS got a fellowship to support himself in summer. Could yours try something like that? It looked great on his cv and helped him get a prestigious job. He just about manages to keep his job by showing flashes of absolute brilliance in between dreadful timekeeping and odd disappearances when he feels overwhelmed.

I don’t know if this is useful, but given the similarities, thought I’d share. Good luck.

I’d honestly put your efforts into helping your eldest find holiday work. If they have the skills to get into Cambridge and keep up with the course, they should be able to do some kind of job. I say that as someone who is autistic and worked to pay my way through university, cleaning and waitressing. It wasn’t easy but looking back, the skills and experience I got from part time work were really good for me (even if difficult at the time), and were what helped me get into the world of work after university. It will be good for his CV to have some kind of work experience, when he comes to start a career. I’d say it’s fair for you to find basic subsistence, but not holidays/travel. Im
reading this with interest though - my kids are younger but also different to each other, and the eldest now goes to private school due to autism and situational mutism. The youngest doesn’t want to go to private school so we’re also debating how to make things ‘fair’ going forwards. It’s not easy, I know.

It's one thing paying towards uni living costs/accommodating different needs and quite another paying for holidays. If you give one £400 for a city break the other should get similar.

I think the problem with high / low support needs is that it isn’t necessarily that one’s high or low but very different indeed. My own brother has very high needs but can live independently. It’s only superficial though.

I think you are punishing the younger child for her ability to work and rewarding the older for not working. Personally I think you should treat them the same. Either they both live at home rent free or they both contribute.
Otherwise there will be resentment between the siblings that you are fuelling.

It’s very difficult to justify not treating them the same to the younger one. She’s not interested in all the reasons you say oldest needs the money, all she can see if her being asked to pay when oldest never was.

Oh, don't worry, someone will be along in 5 minutes to get mortally offended by your label.

In the meantime, how does this help OP at all?

Autistic with low support needs
Autistic with high support needs

So what terminology should one use to differentiate between a person who is autistic but able to study at a high level and live independently (albeit with some difficulties socially) and one who is, say, non-verbal and not capable of independent living? Genuine question.

@letsgoglamping's post I thought was helpful.

I'm the older sibling of someone with (probably) additional needs. I say 'probably' because my parents preferred not to name it or acknowledge it.

It is tough spending your life being designated 'the coping one'. It's damaged all of our relationships. I'm sure it's also been tough for my sibling to struggle to 'adult' and not really understand why.

My parents have always been completely fair and equal financially though, so there's that.

It's hard parenting two totally different children though.

Do you remember Alvin Hall, who was on the telly a lot a while back? I picked up a second hand copy of his book 'You and Your Money' last summer. There's a lot of good advice in it, even if some of the specifics are out of date.

@Member786488 i understand your dilemma as i grew up in a household where my sister was a very demanding problem child and my parents threw loads of money at the problem, thinking she will have a good outcome. As a result my brother and I were comparatively neglected. I mean we had everything we needed but there was a discrepancy in the amount of input by our parents.

My three children are different and have different needs. However, it has always been my mission that one will not miss out or have to compromise because of the other.

They need different levels of input and support, monetary or otherwise and luckily we have been able to meet their individual needs.

You have to understand that deapite all your input, your older DC will always have his difficulties and they need to work on it as well. They have the capability to study at Cambridge so they should have the capability to work on themselves to live the life they want despite their disability. Nowadays workplaces have to make reasonable adjustments to accomplish neurodiversity (it may be beneficial for him to get an official diagnosis as he may not be able to "mask" it forever and it can be a protected characteristic)

This is terrible advice and a fast track to sibling resentment.

Your children are blessed in different areas. The eldest clearly has exceptional academic prowess to ascertain a place at Cambridge, whilst the youngest has better resilience and social skills. It is impossible to say who is in the better situation and who will achieve the most over their lives at the point. Indeed it is impossible to assume that the youngest will 'navigate life easily' as you have no idea what issues and problems they will encounter.

It sounds like you have cast a 'vulnerable' DC and a'resilient' DC. The language you have used to describe why financial assistance is needed for the vulnerable DC is interesting. Suggestions that they won't eat without it and that they have nothing to live for at home if they don't travel. The threats seem extreme and it is hard for the more resilient sibling's needs to get a look in when contrasted with this. I would have to ask if you honestly believe the threats to eldest are as severe are you describe if you don't fund his holidays and subsidise his living costs? If they are, then you need to reach out and get proper help for him as there is a lot more going on than paying for a few holidays will solve.

Meanwhile you need to really look at the resilient sibling and analyse their situation. Is it really as rosy as you think or are they just less keen to make their needs apparent?

You treat them exactly the same financially.
Your older child didn't choose to have autism/ difficulties just like your second child didn't choose to have an older sibling with difficulties.
There's nothing that splits families more than inequality.

Am I right in that you are funding holidays for the elder but not the younger child? That doesn't sound fair.

I think you need to talk to and support the younger one. Are you intending to charge rent / board?

If you can afford to not charge then maybe you support the younger one with free board and lodging for 3 years.

What happens when your eldest graduates? If they cannot get a job in the holiday will they when they graduate?

How will you support the eldest then? Hopefully they get a well paid job and then you can do something for the youngest.

I was with you until you specified what support you were actually giving to the eldest DC. Funding their holidays so they aren't sat at home in the 12 week holidays is very different to funding them so they have food to eat.

It's really unfair to pay for one child to go travelling and not the other. Most teens and young people can't afford to travel around the world. If I was your younger child then I'd know the older child is the favourite. If your older child has MH issues then they need therapy.

Nope sorry- your eldest can live, study and function independently at university but can't be at home because it's depressing, and won't get a job, so you find their 12 weeks social life and wonder why your other child is resentful? You have no diagnosis but an assumption. When they graduate where do they plan to work? Clearly away from home, if they hate it that much. I dont think it's fair to the younger one that you are funding a 4 yr social life juts because they have different aspirations.

I'm struggling to understand the needs of the first child. They aren't diagnosed but you think high functioning autism, but you say they can't feed themselves which suggests independent living is an issue (but how are they coping at uni?) why can't they work?

This post suggests you want to fund their travel abroad? Which suggests a much higher level of independence?

I can see why the second sibling is resentful. The first child seems to have a lot more opportunities sent their way.

No, you can. It's a spectrum.

Do you have absolute confidence that Child A will be willing and able to get a job when they are finished with University? Or are they planning to move home and stay there? If the answer is they aren't likely to be able to cope with a job or living on their own, I would imagine that Child B will be feeling more than a bit hard done by as they watch you throw massive support at a degree that won't be used as Child B struggles to become self-supporting without much support from you.