WWYD- 2 very different children

This sounds very familiar

My dd is low
Support needs autistic but she still
Need support. She is also adhd so
Has
No fixed
Routines

She
Wont eat or prepare meals for herself unless it's
Clearly laid out for
Her. In this way I'm
Her Carer

She won't take her
Meds Unless I'm
Able to Sort it and Remind her.

She doesn't wash her hair as often as she should

She can go out on public transport but
Panics if something goes wrong on the journey and rings me
To trouble shoot for her.

She has high anxiety

She can work but only
If it's the right environment. No bars or restaurants cafes.
Other jobs are hard to get. She has worked on and off.

Her
Room
Is a mess unless
I Help

However she is extremely intelligent and creative and an excellent masker.

Has your dd got a diagnosis
She Could Apply For
Pip or you
For carers allowance

Anything that allows for mostly or entirely WFH and where the majority of interaction is asynchronous/done on chat.

Software engineering, software testing, as PP says it's a cliche but IT is still full of people with less than stellar communication skills.

What skills/knowledge/interests does he have?

Has your family played 'the game if life' board game? There you choose if you go to uni or not. Players who go to uni earn less at the beginning of the game but normally win because they go into higher earnings careers. This used to be the case in real life but student loans and maintenance loans not covering living and internet reducing white collar wageshave changed the dynamic. However if dc1 is at Cambridge he will likely have good prospects & particularly if he has a stem degree. Degree routes is important because otherwise people like dc1 would be a burden rather than an asset all through their lives. For dc2 to be an asset they need to be strategic and move into management asap

@letsgoglamping it’s difficult to say without knowing his education (level/ any skills), but it sounds like your brother’s problems are mainly social rather than anything else so what about something remote done over the phone? Not necessarily sales but there are loads of other things from surveys, debt collection, insurance quotes (not cold calling). Also what about back room data entry or something, maybe even working in a factory preparing orders. Or some jobs could be done completely from home like proof reading, remote IT stuff (where someone drops off a computer and you sort it out)? It might also be worth tapping into autism networks and/ or supported living type organisations as they can sometimes offer a first step on the employment ladder.

I'd be helping the older one get a job. My mum helped me get my first job (in a shop) and I am so grateful for her. Same with DH , his parents helped him. After that it was easier for both of us

(We both fit the description of you older child. )

He isn’t ICT savvy at all - can barely work a smartphone. That’s obviously a major problem with accessing many jobs.

So DC1 won’t eat unless you send extra money, but they could manage to look after themselves totally whilst having a good time on a series of holidays you are paying for? Meanwhile DC 2 is working, has worked from a possibly illegal age, and is going to leave school in order to continue to work at unskilled jobs. This is apparently their own idea, although oddly enough they seem to be a bit resentful at the easy life their sibling has.

Whatever ‘difficulties ‘ DC1 has, they have certainly got your number.

It depends a lot on your own financial situation. If you can afford to help both of them, then do that. We had one who went to university and one who didn't-he was very keen to have a go at following a passion. We agreed to give him the same as we had given his university sister. But we could do it financially. If you can't, then there need to be very open discussions about how they are both going to support themselves-is the older one going to be able to get a job once they graduate?

Sorry, that was in response to @McSpoot.

OP, what does the uni careers service suggest re work? I know it's harder at Cambridge because of the short terms, but there may be possibilities actually within College?

Which ones @OMGsamesame ? I’m genuinely asking because it’s hard work thinking of any (I haven’t gone into everything for obvious reasons) but at the moment he’s unemployable.

It’s a cliche, but you’ve just described 75% of the IT department at my old job.

Fucking hell, I agree, you absolutely cannot say that to a living child, how damaging! I was brought up with an ND sibling in the 90s and was basically told this myself. It’s awful. Don’t do this to your kids OP.

Fairness isn’t everyone getting the same, fairness is everyone getting the support they need. So offer your younger one extra support of a different kind, into savings or as free lodging. Make it clear you’re doing everything you can to ensure things are fair. Acknowledge they see their older sibling “getting” more. Please don’t ever do as this heartless PP suggested.

I don't lack the imagination to realise that it might be more challenging or there may be some roles which are unsuitable but I'm asking in what way in order to help open up for suggestions about what they could do.
The primary aim, surely, is to help both DC up for their lives, and helping DC1 to explore ways they can make a living (else what is the plan after graduation?) would be an important part of that.

There are lots of jobs where the traits you describe wouldn't be desirable but they wouldn't be an obstacle either.

None of those things are a particular barrier to A-levels and university though? I mean, you'd need to avoid courses with a lot of group work but apart from that?

I am sorry as someone who comes from a family with a lot of autism including myself - I would be questioning why your eldest can not get a job due to autism. My best friend’s son is ‘very’ ASD - no eye contact and used to talk in advertising jingles as a small child bless him. He now speaks in a completely monotone voice and has zero facial expressions - but he has not had any issue getting part time jobs while at uni - literally got a job the first week he started uni - he works at events on a till near uni and a job in next warehouse when home on study leave.
I would be unpicking what jobs your job has applied for - it also seems you have let them give up trying

He’s got four degrees but can’t wash his hands 😏

I agree. Sounds like you very much prefer DC1.

Is he able to study at university? The OP's son is able to do so, but from your description, your bother brother couldn't?

My brother has autism and despite being intelligent I am stumped as to a job he could do. He has no social awareness, farts, belches, sneezes all over people, talks loudly and in a monotone, hopeless with anything practical. I’ve tried and failed to think of anything he could do. Of course he’s very depressed as a result.

Is dc1 male and dc2 female?
I just reread thread and can see you're planning on taking digs money when dc2 gets a job as a housemaid during the summer season and planning on funding 12 WEEKS of travelling and hols for their sibling!
Can you honestly not see their upset? Maybe dc2 would have liked a fully funded 12 weeks? Have you even asked?

In what way are they unable to get paid work (or a paid internship?)
What subject are they reading?

I think in your position if I could afford it I would not be asking the younger DD for rent for the time being, just to cover costs for her own food. That way you can explain to her that you’re supporting her in a similar way. I’d also continue to support the basics for the older child, like food and rent, but not be paying extra when they are at home- I think it’s fair that they should fund their own holidays/ socialising etc (and it might be a valuable life lesson- surely they are going to have to get a job at some point?).

if I fund it they could travel and have great life experiences and grow and make contacts. If I don’t they’re stuck in the town they hate with no friends and nothing to do, exaggerating any mh problems that are exacerbated in that environment.
Wow. But "hey dc2, I don't care about you living in this dreadful town, and am not paying for you to go on holiday, and am not bothered about you having 'great life experience'" let me guess, keeping dc2 close so they can be the one to look after everyone in later years?
Can you honestly not see the stonking favouritism?!

This is where high functioning doesn't really get used appropriately. I take it to mean autism without intellectual disability. It certainly sounds like your eldest doesn't function at all in some areas if he won't eat without you facilitating it.

I agree with PP I'd have an open conversation with youngest and agree that you'll offer the same financial support but not necessarily provide it at the same time or same way.