WWYD- 2 very different children

I'm sorry but you are moddy coddling your eldest. You consider him 'slightly' autistic, but despite having the funds to pay for him during uni breaks including his travel to see friends - you have not paid for him to have an autism assessment. He has enough social skills to apparently travel during the uni breaks and stay with other people / meet people which is why you think its a worth while investment.....but his 'slightly' autistic self can not work to support himself.

This is utter bollocks and no wonder your daughter is upset. You are building a wedge between yourself and your daughter and herself and her sibling.

If you don't give your head a wobble your daughter will likely cut you off one day and for good reason.

If the older one is unable to work isn’t a Cambridge education a horrible waste of money?

Just to expand on my last post. If one of my kids are going shopping with a friend, I will give them £20. I don't give the other 3 £20 then ( I would be completely broke). But if one of the others are going out a week later, then I will give them the same amount their sibling had the week before.

So explain to your youngest that whilst the older one needs support you are there to support , and when the youngest needs support , you will be there to support .

Treating them fairly means giving them the same opportunities, therefore I don't think it's wrong that you are financially supporting one whilst the other is able to support themselves. All children are different, I certainly don't parent mine all the same but we support them to be able to have similar opportunities.

Maybe speak with the youngest and explain this to them.

And how does this answer the OP’s question?

This thread is not about you. What you and other posters think about autism is totally irrelevant to the OP. Please do not derail.

OP, I totally understand your dilemma, but it does seem unfair from the younger sibling’s perspective.

I would reassure your youngest that a similar amount of money can be made available for them when there is something they truly want and need.

For example, my parents have supported me and my sister differently, but roughly equally.

To date, I had help with: support with funding postgraduate study, contribution towards holiday, first car, house deposit.

My sister has had help by: living at home rent free for 2 years, first car, larger house deposit.

sibling dynamic/parent's lack of intervention to improve the dynamic

There’s only so much parents can do to improve sibling dynamics, particularly once everyone is an adult - and that is the case whether autism is involved or not.

They can try not to worsen the situation by treating the siblings unfairly, though. It sounds like @Agapornis’s parents treated the siblings much more fairly in terms of help / expectations than OP is doing.

Please don't go round telling people your child is autistic when they don't have a diagnosis. They can be really hard to come by and ticking some boxes on a random list you've found doesn't quite cut it.

The autism, struggling with work, and sibling dynamic/parent's lack of intervention to improve the dynamic is similar though. Yes, the money is important, but it's probably not the only thing affecting how both siblings feel.

But I suspect my own autism is affecting how I've interpreted this compared to you :)

People with autism are teachers, which is a very public facing role. I think dc1 is able to do a minimum wage job, the vast majority of the adult population are .

Well that's completely different! You worked. Op is charging money from the minimum wage dc for digs while paying for the other child to have 12 weeks of hols abroad and doesn't expect them to work!

He likes them but it isn’t just the farting etc. His timekeeping is appalling and so is his attendance due to a bit of hypochondria (he rang 111 when he was here over Christmas because he’d been ‘violently sick’ then ate a load of Christmas cake!)

Your working child is going to see it as they're working too pay you to fund their sibling. I wouldn't ask for rent off one whilst fully supporting the other when you don't need the money. Then you explain you're financially supporting them both but in ways that meets both sets of needs. Then review once eldest is out of uni

@letsgoglamping

How is your brother with animals? They generally don't care if you fart.

But I note you said he my wander off so I realise he might not be able to work with animals.

If by "fully funded" you mean that my parents contributed the expected parental contribution to student loan, yes they did. I'm from a country where the student loan letter says the exact amount they expect parents to pay you. My parents insisted I got a summer job (which I found difficult) and I paid for my own holidays.

I think it was jealousy of not living with my parents, and that she imagined I was out partying every night (I was not). She didn't pay rent and was fairly well paid.

I suppose much depends on whether whatever trip is being offered is partly hosted by the friend or their parents. So OP would presumably need to pay an air fare and give spending money but otherwise a cheap way to spend a long vac. Surely the eldest could also do a few weeks of work before the autumn especially in a seaside place with good contacts.

OP could give youngest the equivalent of the air fare and the spending money.

Definitely ways to make this feel fairer.

@Agapornis what's she jealous of? Were you fully funded through uni and got 12 weeks of paid jollies every year whilst she worked a minimum wage job and had to pay digs? Can she why there's jealousy if so!

Check a university parental contribution calculator. Are you giving the amount expected? Student loans are based on parental income and while (unfortunately) the loan letter doesn't say so, you are actually expected to contribute to your child's costs.

On the dynamic between them - I had exactly the same with my younger sibling. I'm the older autistic one who struggles with work (even now, about 20 years later). She has her own business with several employees. Definitely earns more. Somehow my sister is still jealous and bitchy, partly because my mother has let her and has done nothing to correct it. You need to nip it in the bud and have a word with her. She can go back into education if she'd like to, and you'd presumably give her the same contributions.

@WhereIsBebèsChambre

Oyu
Have misread
My
Thread

I'm
Talking
About asd in general in my
Post
Not the ops situation

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver why does someone need to 'win'? Why can't posters recognise that there is significant disparity in how the dc are being treated without this being complained about?

This thread is a
Prime Example Of How many
NT still
Don't understand autism and make stupid assumptions.

I love the
Term autism With Out intellectual disability btw. Much better description.

In fact my dds should
Be Autism with high intellectual abilities but then people
Assume she is NT. you can't win.

I noticed that summer internship at uni is a popular way for kids like your older one. It doesn’t pay a lot of money but it’s a soft introduction to the world of jobs and look good on their CV later.

I would say that’s why having diagnosis often makes a real difference. Atm your younger one is not buying the concept of “slightly autistic “. I completely understand what you mean but I’m much older and have child with additional needs. No way I would get it at 20.
Also it’s often not about money (however much the actual talk is about financial support). You probably consider the younger one a perfectly self sufficient confident person and don’t pay so much attention to their real or possible problems. And they feel less loved in a way. It’s about attention again only differently than when they were toddlers.

Thanks @Heronwatcher . It’s unlikely he would be able to work remotely. Eg with the phone he’d just walk off somewhere and not answer it or he’d lose connection and start swearing, those sorts of things. His sleep is very erratic and he has massive health problems which are related to his autism as he’ll claim ordinary headaches are migraines and a bit of a cold is the flu so his attendance is always an issue.

Perhaps you could tell the second child that you're willing to put the same financial backing into their further education or training within their field, start a small business enterprise or a house deposit.

If the academic one needs that much help they should be receiving PIP.

@Member786488 why does the other sibling have no desire to go to uni as is happy working low paid jobs? Have you considered their ND too but struggles in other ways?

Myself and all of my siblings are autistic and have ADHD (diagnosed in our 30s). I was the one who excelled in academics and worked from the age of 15. My sister is incredibly social but struggles academically. My brother was put in the special needs classes at school and has never worked. He’s in his 30s and lives at home.

My brother and sister have always received a lot of emotional and financial support. My brother or sister havent spent hour after hour learning interview skills and almost killing themselves to overcoming their ADHD to climb the career ladder as no one’s there to help them . As I’ve had to work harder than all of my siblings to be in the same position I’ve always resented my parents for this and am now NC. The final nail in the coffin was when my mum explained she was leaving me out of her will as my sibling needed more help - I’m the only one with a mortgage and kids so they far fewer responsibilities than me.

If the one sibling isn’t expected to pay rent when they’re living at home you shouldn’t charge the other one. If you do you risk causing major resentment and preeminent damage to your relationship

If they got a job at home they would start to meet people... Or even maybe some voluntary work to build their employability.

DH and I are both like your older son , and I am so glad both our parents helped us get those mundane jobs rather than pampering us. It was those jobs that taught us the skills we needed to get out high flying jobs. Academic brilliance is rarely enough on its own (even in academia) and the only way to learn those skills is to get out there.