WWYD- 2 very different children

That's a shame.

Although some animals do insist you do certain things at a certain time.

If he was able to go travelling independently, he must have good budgeting, planning, organisation skills, and an ability to communicate with others.
You also mentioned that funding traveling will give him an ability to form connections outside the town you live in? Did he form any connections on the travelling he did at 18? Can these be developed?

My feeling is that you might be better using these funds to get him assessed privately, and supported to develop strategies to help manage his challenges.

Does the world really need yet more humanities graduates who simply want the uni experience with no real interest in a subject?
What incredibly useful degree is golden child dc1 doing then?
If they're not going to be able to work, why go to uni?

Tbh the mere fact you are willing to indulge him in not working and fund his travel while you contemplate charging your other child rent suggests theres some serious imbalance.

If he has the skills to travel then he has the skills to work.

As someone who works in a highly academic field it's so important to also do entry level type jobs during those late teens /university years.

If you gave them a chunk of cash at 18, what has oldest child dome with that?

From my experience with an older sibling who sounds very similar to your oldest, keeping funding them is really unhelpful in the long term. My brother had terrible social and organisational skills, kept loosing jobs and my parents kept funding him. Until my Dad was made redundant and they couldn't afford to anymore. Then, after a few false starts, my brother now has a job at a gym, made some like minded friends and eventually got married. He was extremely bright, but just couldn't cope with the pressure of a job which in theory aligned with his academic skills. But he has held down not much more than minimum wage job for many years, and has never been happier.

People with mild additional needs have to rightly or wrongly find a way to function in a this world, and they are much better off if supported (pushed) into stretching themselves.

I strongly suspect I am also autistic, every test has shown me to be so, but I personally have found ways to adjust and make the world work for me, and your oldest child needs to do the same. My parents were so focused on my brother (as, I'm sorry to say you seem to be on your oldest) so I has to find my way. And that did me no harm.

Sure Jan

I would position it that you see your obligation to support your kids until they finish education.
Fwiw, my daughters were similar, one off to uni, the other wasn't going.
In time things get evened out. And the offer to pay for higher education/professional exams remains for the youngest

Maybe it’s more tolerated in smaller IT departments? Our current IT department aren’t anything like that (although I’d say social skills are still a bit of an issue for some), but the smaller companies I’ve worked in have definitely had people who lived up (down?) to that cliche.

I wish my parents had done this for me though

(But I am at least glad they helped me get a job rather than babying me and deciding I wasn't capable of a job just because I was probably autistic)

Yes it is a cliche. I have worked in large IT departments for 35 years, I have never met anyone who farts, belches, sneezes all over people, talks loudly and in a monotone, hopeless with anything practical.

Totally agree (and I was like the older child)!

It’s really only the “fun” money that it sounds like you need to even up following your last update. You’re supporting both of them with living costs - your oldest by giving them money, your youngest by allowing them to live with you rent-free.

Just make sure that you treat them the same with respect to discretionary spending, not paying £££ to send your oldest travelling while only putting £ away for your youngest.

Sorry cross posted with OP.

Presuming you pay towards your oldest child's uni and would have to do the same for the youngest if he/she had decided to go, why don't you save an equal amount for the youngest child, either to be given as a deposit later or to be used if they change their mind and want to go to university later. Discuss this with them.
The youngest should then pay you 'keep' from their wages during term time and have a respite from paying during the holidays same as the eldest or pay a lower weekly/monthly amount throughout the year to balance it out if they prefer.
If the older child comes back home after uni and doesn't get a job then it looks like you will have to support 2 kids in the interest of fairness!

If your oldest can do a degree at Cambridge then he can figure out how to finance his own life without playing his mother with an autism self ID and guilt trips.

I would be more worried about your youngest who has taken A levels and has no career aspirations whatsoever. Not wanting to do a degree is fine but surely there are apprenticeships or alternative training programmes she can look into?

Also surely there are plenty of part jobs that aren’t in a hectic/people heavy environment that might suit a Cambridge undergraduate? How about 1-1 online tutoring for example? What’s sort of profession does he hope to have after graduating?

I think you should support them equally as much as possible. IE you can give the elder one more support with day to day expenses if absolutely necessary but avoid funding holidays for one and not the other. You either have to give both money for fun or neither.

@mitogoshi " a good option if they are working full time is to collect 1/3 of their wages in "rent" but put into a savings account for the future for them."

Please don't do this-it's so patronising and infantilising.

Two things to think about, just because number two isn't going to university now, it doesn't mean they won't choose to go later, you could even remind them of that yourself, and secondly a good option if they are working full time is to collect 1/3 of their wages in "rent" but put into a savings account for the future for them. Once dc1 graduates they will need to either work or be formally diagnosed as unable to work and claim benefits

But op isn't giving them the same opportunities? The parents aren't funding several months long holidays abroad for dc2 are they?

he does not have an autism diagnosis.
We have a lot of diagnoses autism in my family, and someone correct me if I am wrong....but I don't ever recall that lying such as saying a headache is a migraine is an autistic trait.

@Member786488 sorry, but rod for your own back comes to mind with dc1!! dc1 will also end up being entitled and expecting everything from you and that is just not fair on dc2!

This