If one spouse wants to rehome a dog, and the other doesn't, who should get their way?

OP’s list are all the reasons I never gave in to getting a dog, despite years of kids begging. If I had given in and gotten a dog, having considered all those issues, it would be my tough luck and regret and I would have to live with it. IF there were no kids involved but my partner had made great promises about how they would look after the dog but then reneged on all those promises, that might be a different scenario.

I'll buck the trend and say DH > DDog.

That said, it's still a puppy so hopefully things will chill out with them in the coming months.

The one that has most of the responsibility and does most of the work (without slacking in other areas) decides.

If you don't already own the dog then person who doesn't want to commit trumps. If you have already taken any animal into your home then absolutely not OK to want to remove just because its inconvenient & doesn't suit your holidays....if it has bitten or is aggressive towards children then of course it should be removed fro.your household...any other reasons nope you should have thought it through before welcoming the pet. As the advert says.. a dog is not just for Xmas but for life.

You got the dog as a puppy and, whilst in your care, he has developed behavioural issues beyond the scope of standard puppy training classes; a behaviourist is now involved and even he/she has expressed doubts about your ability to 'fix" the issues.

I don't say any of that unkindly but I would be more worried that without a joint commitment to training the dogs behaviour will continue to deteriorate and then it will be difficult/impossible to re-home him. If the dogs best interests are the priority then I think rehoming now, whilst he is still very young gives him the best chance of a good life. The new owner would need to be aware of the issues and have the experience and time to do the training.

If I've committed to owning a dog, it would take something major to shake me from that decision. Something like "I can't afford to feed it" or "I have new health problems that prevent me from caring for it" or legitimate safety concerns. If it's more a matter of one person wishing they didn't have the extra annoyances and responsibilities that come with a young dog, that's just not good enough, imo. I'd lose a lot of respect for my spouse if he wanted to get rid of our pets because they sometimes make life inconvenient.

It's impossible to give a nuanced answer without all the details, but I think once you've committed to the dog, you stick with it, unless you're incapable of providing the dog (and other members of your household) with a reasonably safe and happy life, if you keep it. The partner who has had a change of heart doesn't get to insist on getting rid of the dog without some seriously good reasons. The time to veto the dog was before adopting it.

I would prioritise my marriage over a pet.

You don’t say what your change in circumstances are since you got
the pet but I can imagine many (bereavement, serious illness, dramatic change in finances or career) which could be reasonable grounds to rehome.

Im assuming your spouse is thoughtful, compassion and sensible, and the wish to rehome isn’t just them being lazy / giving up easily. Which isn’t reasonable!

Keep the dog.

It's still a baby and once trained will be much easier.

However, I love dogs. I would leave my partner rather than re-home my dog

Op is the problem the dog’s behaviour or that as you said one partner has to do more around the house because the other is dealing with the dog?

Or is it to do with holidays or not being able to visit someone (which I get, I eased up on visiting dm when we got the dog, but now she looks forward to seeing him too!)

What breed? Up until 1 and a half I honestly thought we’d made the hugest mistake ever and our cocker spaniel almost broke us- we were just wrecked and miserable.

I’d recommend you both read easy peasy puppy squeezey to remind you why you wanted a dog in the first place and look through all the rehoming threads here to show you we’ve all been there!!

On the one hand I think that if you get a pet then you should commit to the pet. On the other hand… if you find someone else who can clearly genuinely give it a better home then that’s better for the dog as well as for you. Don’t take it to a rescue centre, but consider careful re-ownership. My parents took on a 10-12 month lab from a couple who realised they couldn’t give her the attention she needed, and she really fell on her paws.

@noctilucentcloud has good advice. Set a time limit to make some progress with training and see whether you can make it work. If not, you’ve got your answer.

Putting my amateur sleuthing hat on, the OP’s updates suggests that something major has changed since they got the dog. Perhaps the primary caregiver has changed jobs and is no
longer as available, for example. Or they’re traveling more for work.

I have 3 dogs and one who passed 2 years ago. Of those 4, 3 have been rescues and one was bought as a puppy.

I love my dogs. They mean the world to me and I could never conceive of giving them up. Yes they are hard work, especially until they reach about 2/3 years old and are past the puppy and adolescent stages. And it’s easy to forget just how much time and effort it takes when you’ve come out the other side….all comes flooding back very quickly when you’re cleaning up another accident or throwing away another chewed up something or other!

At the most stressful times with all our dogs, but especially with the latest rescue we got in October, my DH has thrown a paddy and alluded to an ultimatum “It’s me or the dog” style. Then he calms down, realises how much he loves them all too, we calmly discuss what we can do differently as a team to make things better and then we act on it.

If you and your partner aren’t united and willing to work together to give the dog the best life possible, then sadly the best option may be to rehome.

If you choose to do this, PLEASE do not just stick them on Gumtree. Make sure they are rehomed ideally through a dog charity or breed specific rescue, or if doing it privately, look into Facebook groups for rehoming which may be able to help find the right new owner who will give your dog the forever home it deserves.

Seems fairly obvious you want to keep the dog and your husband wants to get rid. But it’s difficult to say which is right without details of the dog’s behaviour.

if it’s weeing a bit inside, then that can be resolved with hard work,
if it’s biting people then that is entirely different.

on the whole I think the effort should be put in. It’s only 11 months, still a puppy. And a dog is for life.

but we really need the full picture to advise Properly.

I'm cross that you and your partner didn't fully think this through before you got the dog. But you're (sadly) not alone in that and it's done. What's important now is to make sure your dogs life can be the best it can be.

I think you should set a time limit, say 4-6 weeks and see what progress has been made with the training and behaviour. If there's not real progress and effort being made then rehome the dog because it deserves to have a home where all its needs are met and it's wanted. It's not fair to let this drag on and then find in a few months or years that you rehome. That's more damaging for the dog. But please rehome it responsibly - no gumtree, facebook, free-ads etc. If you got the pup from a good breeder they should take it back. If not use a reputable rehoming charity be that the RSPCA/SSPCA, dogs trust or a good local one (your behavioralist probably can advise).

Ignore my last question, I think the person wanting to get rid of the dog is being a bit selfish. But maybe it’s best if the dog goes to a family who can properly care for them.

Those of you saying the dogs needs are the priority are absolutely correct. Unfortunately we can't agree here either - the one wanting to keep dog feels we can but the other disagrees.

Well, if they can met the dog’s needs, great. They can go ahead and do that, can’t they?

I'd normally say that once you have a pet you're committed, but if the behaviourist is doubtful you can make the change needed then you really can't and you should rehome.

Welcome to having an adolescent dog. They’re shits. But part of the family. What type of breed is it as that’ll give a little bit of an indication of how long adolescence will last? They push boundaries during adolescence and it’s hard. Some days it’s really hard to like them and if you aren’t fully on board, it’s hard to keep them in your house. However, if you keep at it then they slowly become less puppy and more dog. At the minute he’s probably 99% puppy (aka a shit) and 1% dog (that loving animal you thought you were getting). But it’ll gradually get easier and hopefully within a year you will be at 20% puppy and 80% dog. They’re still idiots but you can cope with the idiocy a bit more then.

You've said there is nothing more going but the behaviourist agrees you’re not going to make a difference. Is that because both of you aren’t willing to put the work in? Or is there something else? Puppies need consistency. Both of you need to be willing to put the work in and it will pay off.

I sounds like you want to rehome. I think that rather than viewing it as the dog being placed above you, view it as a disagreement on something ethical. For instance, a partner decides to become vegan. The non vegan partner has to accept they might never share a meal with their partner again, cooking meals to their liking suddenly falls on them exusively as the vegan will only touch vegan food...
But they have to accept the vegan is sincerely convinced that cooking meat would be wrong. Not because they no longer lo e their partner but because they can't cross what has become a moral boundary for them.

For many / most, getting rid of a dog is something morally wrong they cannot do.

If my husband couldn’t be bothered to help care for an animal mutually decided on I don’t think I could be bothered with him so the marriage would be over regardless.

Why can so many people these days not seem to manage life without making everything a drama, it’s very possible to have children, pets and jobs with a bit of effort put in. Get up earlier, walk the dog when the kids are in bed. It’s not rocket science.

@AnonAnonEmouse We have a similar scenario...

DH had a dog when I met him. I grew up in a pet free home. A nice clean tidy home...

I got used to the dog, but it's always been said that the dog belonged to DH, he walks him, picks up poop etc... NOT ME!

When dog died, I discovered that DH is a miserable fucker without a dog, and there was absolutely NO WAY our marriage would survive without another dog. DH was grumpy, miserable, and got fat without the walking.

10 years and 2 more kids later we now have TWO dogs, they are still DH's responsibility, but it's the mud and hair all over the house that drives me crazy. I hate it and it makes me feel un-relaxed, but DH just doesn't see it, so it's me that spends ages vacuuming and wiping walls.

You can't just rehome a dog. The person that wants to keep it needs to put that time and effort into training it as well as pulling their weight in the household. DH once tried to include dog walking as a chore. It did NOT go down well! I made it clear that I would re-home him with the dogs if he said that again as the dogs are supposed to be something he wants/needs!

It's not about whether you or your partner should win your argument but what's best for the dog .

This with bells on it.

Btw I know retired people who when they were or are under 75 have taken on an adolescent dog. This is because they mainly live in child free households, have the time to devote to a dog, and are aware of the restrictions it places on their life.

It isn’t - what I said was that if your relationship is damaged by the dog issue, it likely was before, because in isolation that’s a bold step. It would be symptomatic of other issues that mean you’re not compatible.

I would also absolutely break up with someone who could disregard a responsibility because it isn’t convenient, because… children aren’t always convenient either, would you disregard one of those? As above, it would be a sign of a bigger issue for me personally. That issue would already exist behind the scenes, the dog dismissal would just make it obvious.

Whichever one of you is saying the dog is part of the family is right, it is. It should be, or you shouldn’t have got it.

Without details it is a pretty pointless thread. What do you want from it?

Everyone agreeing or disagreeing with you (whichever one you are) based on no info??