Page 2 | To be fed up of “we had three under three”

Pompleandprim · 2024-06-01T18:49:25+00:00

From my parents if I ever mention how hard things are? FWIW I have a disabled child. Sure he’s an only child but he’s disabled. ”We had three under three, imagine how hard it was for us!” Yep you chose to have three with little age gap. I didn’t choose my child’s disability!!

Lammveg · 01/06/2024 20:16

It sounds really annoying but maybe they're trying to relate to you in the parenting struggle? And generally people always think they had it harder, especially that generation for some reason.

I'd definitely say something though if it annoys you. 'I know it must have been hard with 3 under 3 but I'm dealing with something very different'.

Original poster

Pompleandprim · 01/06/2024 20:11

whyhavetheygotsomany · 01/06/2024 20:09

They don't realise your son is disabled ? What condition does your son have then ?

Of course they realise he is disabled, that’s not what I said. I said they don’t really see his difficulties, he has many strengths and they generally focus on how brilliant these are. I’m not stating his full list of conditions because they are very outing but it’s a complex range of neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pompleandprim · 01/06/2024 20:10

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 20:08

No. It's not as easy as that. It often isn't a choice for someone to abort.

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It is a choice in the UK. Maybe not one you’d choose, but it is a choice.

They chose to have three children. And I also happen to know that they actively wanted to have those three children, and with as small an age gap as possible, but that’s not even relevant because even if they were accidental pregnancies, they still had a choice.

OP posts:

whyhavetheygotsomany · 01/06/2024 20:09

They don't realise your son is disabled ? What condition does your son have then ?

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 20:08

Pompleandprim · 01/06/2024 19:58

Because they had three pregnancies that they chose to proceed with. It’s not difficult to understand surely?

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No. It's not as easy as that. It often isn't a choice for someone to abort.

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 20:07

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/06/2024 20:00

Presumably, they're not saying that it was acceptable for her father to rape her mother, so there would have been at least some element of choice both in the conception and the continuation of pregnancy for at least two children - assuming they didn't have spontaneous triplets following a visit from a bloke with wings and a big, shiny hoop floating over his head, that is.

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Not necessarily. They may have not agreed with abortion

Sotired22 · 01/06/2024 20:06

OP I don’t have this situation but I DO have a mum who tends to minimise any struggle I have and always tell me she had it worse… it’s tiresome isn’t it, and really dismissive. I generally respond with “it’s not a competition” and change the subject. It’s upsetting though when you just want a bit of sympathy and support. I think some people just don’t have much empathy or constantly feel the need to make out they’ve had everything harder than everyone else. They were probably lacking love in childhood or something…

OrlaOrka · 01/06/2024 20:03

I had 2- 12 months apart, and in no bloody world would I ever think that’s harder than having a disabled child. So really whoever is saying that to you are just ridiculous!!

Original poster

Pompleandprim · 01/06/2024 20:01

Min133 · 01/06/2024 19:58

That would annoy me too. I have 1 child and he's disabled too. He's wonderful and I wouldn't change him for the world but it's relentless. People don't seem to understand how hard it can be, as my child gets older things are likely to get harder not easier and he'll most likely need to live with us and have our care as an adult too so there'll be no him moving out as a teenager. That's absolutely fine with us but just one of those things others don't realise when they are trying to minimise your experience

Edited

Totally get this too. One of my siblings still lives at home and when I said something recently about my DC most likely needing to live with us long into adulthood they made that comparison too. But my older sibling living at home is a choice, not caring for a disabled adult child.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/06/2024 20:00

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 19:56

How do you know they chose 3 under 3.

I'd just ignore them and not bother looking ti them for support unfortunately

Presumably, they're not saying that it was acceptable for her father to rape her mother, so there would have been at least some element of choice both in the conception and the continuation of pregnancy for at least two children - assuming they didn't have spontaneous triplets following a visit from a bloke with wings and a big, shiny hoop floating over his head, that is.

Original poster

Pompleandprim · 01/06/2024 19:59

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2024 19:53

I’m sure you have but if you haven’t for some reason, have you asked them what they’re meaning by that and why they’re trying to minimise yours and your child’s struggles?

“I know mum, what’s your point?”
”Dad, you keep bringing this up, why?”
“You chose to have us that close together, it’s a shame if you regret it but it’s not our fault”

Tbh I don’t think they really see my son’s difficulties. In a lovely way, in that they think he’s brilliant. But they assume his struggles are just “normal childhood struggles” and they aren’t. I will start gently reminding them that they made their decision though you’re right.

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Min133 · 01/06/2024 19:58

That would annoy me too. I have 1 child and he's disabled too. He's wonderful and I wouldn't change him for the world but it's relentless. People don't seem to understand how hard it can be, as my child gets older things are likely to get harder not easier and he'll most likely need to live with us and have our care as an adult too so there'll be no him moving out as a teenager. That's absolutely fine with us but just one of those things others don't realise when they are trying to minimise your experience

Original poster

Pompleandprim · 01/06/2024 19:58

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 19:56

How do you know they chose 3 under 3.

I'd just ignore them and not bother looking ti them for support unfortunately

Because they had three pregnancies that they chose to proceed with. It’s not difficult to understand surely?

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wizarddry · 01/06/2024 19:56

How do you know they chose 3 under 3.

I'd just ignore them and not bother looking ti them for support unfortunately

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2024 19:53

I’m sure you have but if you haven’t for some reason, have you asked them what they’re meaning by that and why they’re trying to minimise yours and your child’s struggles?

“I know mum, what’s your point?”
”Dad, you keep bringing this up, why?”
“You chose to have us that close together, it’s a shame if you regret it but it’s not our fault”