To be fed up of “we had three under three”

"@S0livagant It's not a reasonable choice to abort a child's sibling because of a close age gap. You could say it's a choice to abandon a disabled child with the other parent or a grandparent, though again not a reasonable choice. "

It may be your opinion that abortion isn't a reasonable choice for a close age gap but that doesn't make it a fact. Choosing to abort a foetus because your family is not ready for it is not comparable to abandoning your disabled child.

3 under 3 is hard.

A disabled child is hard.

It's not a competition. The fact that they are competing with you and can't acknowledge your struggles must be incredibly frustrating.

Sometimes you just need to be heard. Seems like your parents struggle with this- so maybe look elsewhere for this ?

It’s irrelevant which is harder (and there’s no single answer, it will depend on the specific circumstances).

Even if it was equally difficult- it’s still an unhelpful response to you, I presume, reaching out for some sympathy and support.

Maybe they are trying to empathise but they are phrasing it wrong.

I think this is a good point, yes those first 1-2 years of 3 under 3 is relentless, but it’s a short phase with light at the end. After two years the eldest is 5, and reasonably self sufficient and it gets easier as each year passes. With a disabled child that very challenging phase of large amounts of care is much much longer. I have 2 children, one whom is a very self sufficient 6 year old, and one who is a disabled almost 2 year old but more like 6 months. It is a whole new ball game!

So what? I had 2 under 1 as l had twins, never saw the point in stating that to people like your parents do. Are they always so tone deaf and like to style it out the ALWAYS had / have it worse? That you have your own challenges

I know this isn’t the same OP, but as someone who has an only child due to secondary infertility I also find this type of talk very tiresome. 3 under 3 is obviously very difficult, but nobody has asked anyone to do it, it was their own choice !

Children are so varied that it depends on the sen etc.
My eldest was really hard work.
But dc2 used to be a runner who wouldnt hold hands etc.

Society is largely based on kids doing things at average ages.
So bum wiping or crossing roads. Being able to go to clubs. Or breakfast or afterschool clubs. Dc1 can cross minor road now shes 12. She wouldnt have been safe to walk home in primary.

Having had ivf could easily have had both dc at the same time and definitely wouldnt have coped. In fact would have had no dc2 or certainly had a larger gap if the asd had been picked up.

Having 3 in 3 years does increase the risk of havong multiple sen dc before you realise...

Yes i think having a disability that delays or stops independence is obviously a huge issue.

A response that would probably end such remarks would be to say 'so did the McCanns'

It's just not a helpful comparison. I had 3 under 3.5 and it turns out that all have SN. It was hard. Don't know how much easier it would have been if they'd all been NT. I know that for a while I didn't really know what day it was.

It's not a reasonable choice to abort a child's sibling because of a close age gap. You could say it's a choice to abandon a disabled child with the other parent or a grandparent, though again not a reasonable choice.

I can just imagine in the future one of my children having an autistic child and instead of listening to their struggles and empathising I retort with “we had 2 with autism, imagine how hard that was”. Or “none of you slept through the night until
you were 3, that means I had 9 years of broken nights”

it’s dismissive, unhelpful and unsympathetic

A friend had triplets a similar age to my oldest son. Even before we knew he had adhd and autism she said that he was harder work than her 3 put together.

you clearly have no idea of the possible work load of caring for a disabled child.

Regardless of what is most difficult (depends on all sorts!) your parents should be supporting you and not competing.

Pull them up on it every time.

I dislike any sort of competitive hardship. Unfortunately the only way to break it is for one competitor to just acknowledge how tough it is/was for the other. Which typically takes the wind from their sails and brings the whole sorry discussion to an end. As your mum's struggles are in the past, she should really be that person.

So sorry that your parents don't seem helpful. It might seem a bit much for them too. I remember something similar from my aunt who had a child now in adult social care and because he wasn't physical disabled my gran used to frequently refer to those in wheelchairs etc as the 'really' disabled. Disability must turn your life upside down. I hope it gets easier and I think most of us would prefer three under three than a disabled child (however much we love them). I suppose the really hard pressed are those whose third or fourth child is disabled. The best of luck.

There's no need for anyone to dismiss how hard it is/was on both sides.

I had three under three. It wasn't that hard. The needs of a disabled child are varied and complex so how anyone can justify comparing the two is weird. For the record several turned out to be autistic but as tots we just got on with it without knowing and life just seemed "normal" if hectic. It's downright rude to presume the tow are the same.

They sound crap. Are they any support at all?

Sounds like they haven’t processed their decision to have 3 under 3.

Are you mentioning things are hard to them because you are looking for advice, or a listening supportive ear or both? As I’ve got older I’ve found one way to respond to this kind of thing is to be direct in what I’m trying to get from the conversation e.g. I’m finding things really hard right now, and I know you had tough parenting experiences too, but I’d really like somebody to listen to me, or I’m hoping you could give me some advice.

Could an approach like that work?

Why does it matter which is more difficult? Its not a conpetition. All sorts of environmental and personality difference combine to make particular situation more or less difficult for different people. Sometimes a parent with one physically well, neurotypical child can struggle hugely, just because this is their situation doesn't mean tat parent doesn't deserve help.

What it does sound like, however, is that things are hard for you and you would like some support from your parents, either emotional or practical. So maybe focus on effective communication with them, on saying clearly if you are struggling and how they can help. Maybe they think by playing down the seriousness of your son's needs they are helping you to keep on going.

Hope ive explained this properly.

Really?

I have a friend with four children, one has severe disablities. She's said before how looking after her one child with disabilities is harder than looking after the other four together. But then she has actually done both.

There can't be many disabled children that are harder to look after than 3 under 3. (Done the latter; not done the former, but my much younger brother is very severely disabled - lives in residential home with carer now he's an adult, etc). I'm not sure why whether it's a choice or not comes into thing: just because it is a choice (and I think some PPs are taking a simplistic idea of what choice means) doesn't mean it's less work.

this is why i get my support from groups on Facebook

both my kids have many disabilities each and some rare

I'm a lone 24/7carer(notice i said lone not single. single applies relationship status and dad is involved lone means doing it yourself)

and i mean 24/7 as neither sleep due to rare sleeping disorders
i also home educate

my oldest is 19 so their disabilities is nothing new but
I'm slowly recovering from a emotional(different from a nervous breakdown )(diagnosed dec 22) and struggling to deal with inattentive ADHD symptoms (only diagnosed at 42 April 23)

i gave up asking family for help or telling anyone how hard it is as no one gets it

but others on specific disabilities support groups understand

been a member for years and years on some
never met but daily input and people messaging me to see how I'm coping

there is a world of support out there you just need to look for it