To expect 12yo to have own bed at her dad’s?

In your position I would just offer to pay for a bunk bed for the room. You might not like the principle, but your daughter's comfort is the priority

You really do get the dregs of manhood featured in threads on this site!

Edit - sorry, didn't realise this was old

I think the way your Ex dismissed any concern rather than being at all thoughtful or concerned (even if he’d come to the same conclusion in the end) is telling.

Could your elder DD’s anxiety and lack of desire to go while on her period be a wedge she’s been wanting an excuse to use for some time?

If you don’t have a court order then yes, you can just “refuse” to send her. At 12 a court would take her wishes into account when considering access so even if you do have a court order, you could go back to court to vary it and would quite likely get what your DD wants.

Even "proper" protection can fail sometimes. Surely you've been there? I know I have. Or you come on unexpectedly - periods can be odd when you're first starting. There's no way I'd want to be sharing a bed with anyone at that age.

I have dds and part of the issue is not normalising periods around males / dads. Without outing myself I used to run a charity supporting young girls on their period. My girls were used to boxes of tampons and pads ( in packets of course) bring in the house , that I would distribute. So periods we very normal to talk about with them and also exH. Although he’s a major prick he’s good when girls are on period but they do still get embarrassed if they leak ect. As we have a 50/50 split it’s rare girls stay with me if they are on period ( but they are equally welcome to if they need some tlc :).

I 100% support the poster here, the DD feels uncomfortable and so she has every right not to go to her dads if he can’t provide a bed! The bed should have been provided years ago!

Yeah that's shit OP.
I can't understand why their father can't sleep on the sofa when they stay?
That's just selfish. Some people men don't realise things unless they get spelled out though. Have you suggested it to him?
Completely get why she wouldn't want to stay over now.
I wouldn't want her to either until he gets the bed situation sorted out.

I started my period I was 12 and it was a huge adjustment for me.

I hated sleeping over anywhere, I wanted to be in my own bed in my own space. I would leak quite badly, sweat profusely and suffer with insomnia. The last thing I would have wanted was sharing a bed with a sibling and sleeping on the floor.

Period aside, kids have a right to be safe and comfortable regardless, and she is obviously not comfortable with this arrangement.

If she doesn't want to go because of the sleeping arrangements that's absolutely her choice. Don't make her go, but do make sure the bunch of tight sods know exactly why.

If your children are doing that there are many charities which will help your children to have a better life. They dont't need to be doing that in 2024.

We stayed with my dad for a while to try to help him sort out his house (hoarding and not looking after it/himself). We struggled away there for months and it never occurred to him that we would need a hot bath at least once a week let alone every day/other day once a month. He refused to let us use hot water. Men don't compute this at all but you need to be able to be clear with him that if she doesn't feel happy she will not be staying. She is old enough to have her wishes known if he wants to take it to Court,

But she’s not suggesting a double bed is she? She’s saying they need bunks/separate beds.

Sometimes it's just not enough, I have heavy periods and nothing will stop leaks on a night. I'd also assume she may be feeling self conscious/embarrassed and clearly just wants her own space/privacy. I wouldn't even want to share a bed with anyone now other than my partner, let alone when I was a child.

OP this is really sad. Your DDs need their own beds. It’s sad that neither their dad nor their GPs see this and I’d be concerned about everything else there tbh, your DDs don’t seem like a priority to them at all. I’d stop overnight stays until this is sorted.

A mattress on the floor for two years? I'm surprised the grandparents haven't bought bunk beds for them, in the absence of their lazy-arse son doing so.

I understand that but do find it sad he hasn't helped her feel that her bed at his is her bed

@BrokenWing expecting children to share a mattress is described as 'bed poverty' and social services recommend that children at least have their own bed to sleep in.

"Of the children who said they had to share a bed, many said it left them feeling tired the next day during school lessons, embarrassed (e.g. when going through puberty), anxious, or unhappy." www.mysocialworknews.com/article/children-sleeping-on-the-floor-and-sharing-soiled-beds-as-cost-of-living-crisis-continues

We live in a developed country. Assuming there is no financial reason that OP's ex cannot provide his children with adequate sleeping quarters, I can only assume he is a cheapskate of the highest order.

Children deserve comfortable sleeping arrangements just like the rest of us.

I'm very perturbed that you think children should not be afforded the same basic comforts that adults are allowed.

You can get bunk beds which have a double bed on the bottom and a single bed up top - it would save him needing to buy two mattresses he would then only need a single.

Just tell him she won’t come unless she has her own bed also if your on good terms with grandparents tell them the reason

tell them the problem it’s up to them to sort whatever solution they need which is obviously separate beds

you won’t be refusing to send her she will be refusing

Well, it is to a rational person, but he sounds like a silly, selfish sod.

That's the perfect solution. A night or two on the sofa won't kill him.

It doesn’t matter why a child wants privacy or what age they are when they ask for privacy. They could be 3 or 13, they are still a human being whose wishes should be respected unless the request presents a safety issue.

even working within practical constraints, there are solutions to be found

My dd has a bed of her own at her dads and hates going when on her period. I stopped making her after a few time I realised I was going by his wishes not hers. As adults sometimes we just want to be in our own bed when we are on our periods and not have the worry of leaking etc
let her choose I really regret the few times I made her go

I don’t think I’d bother trying to sort it out. I’d say dd is 12, gets her period, and deserves some dignity and privacy. I won’t be making her go to your house when on or nearly on her period until she has her own bed.

He's being extremely unreasonable. What a mean spirited, tight fisted waste of space he is.

He could easily get a reasonably priced bunk bed from IKEA. I can't believe that anyone has voted you down.

It wasn't a sensible question, but a trick one.

Your question suggests that she must have a good simple reason to be allowed her feelings.

It can be concerns about leaking, smell, cramps, having to explain to younger sister what is wrong with her, or general feeling that starting periods is tough, so could she please not have to face it while sharing bed with her young sister?

Wow.

I can’t imagine why you divorced such an inconsiderate loser.

If nothing else to let them go 2 years sleeping on the floor (very bad for your back BTW) is selfish AF. Maybe he can save money by staying home for a bit and save up for a bed.

Id ask your exILs to sort it out - it’s fairly easy to get bunk beds for free off Facebook or Freecycle. Otherwise I’d be keeping her at home during her period

It wasn't remotely reasonable. The only "minor inconvenience" would be for her father to buy separate beds or bunks for the girls. Instead he, and you, think it's fine for a girl going through puberty to have to share a bed when she has her period. A young teen being denied privacy is seemingly not an issue for you. So yeah, I don't care whether you think I was trying and failing to be clever, I was pointing out that your complete lack of empathy for her was on a level with her indifferent father's.