To feel bad cms has put ex into poverty when I’m comfortable!

it's through CMS so it has been assessed based on what he earns. If he isn't managing the remainder of his income after child maintenance is deducted that is on him. Not you.

Almost the same situation here.
It doesn't get paid.
The kids have contact 4 days a month.
Spends all the time telling the kids how poor he is 🎻🎻🎻 🙄

You realise he is manipulating you? He’s trying to make you feel bad because he’s an abuser.

The amount he has to pay is based on his income as well as factoring in the debt he owes you. This isn’t your problem.

He’s depressed because he doesn’t have anyone to abuse so he’s trying to pull you in. Don’t fall for it!! Your priority should be your children and putting money away in savings.

If he’s so poor he can find a better paying job.

Poor baby has to pay to support his children. The horror. Keep communication with him to a minimum and stop listening to his whining.

YABU. Fuck him. Not your problem.

I knows it’s not nice that other people swallow the lies he tells them and then in turn have a go at you/tell you about it, but don’t let them get to you. They haven’t got a fucking clue what a loser he really is.

His problems are his, and by the sound of it, some of it at least is his own fault. Also, not to sound cynical but it’s astounding how many men with a history of being abusive to their partner go on to develop poor mental health when the ex moves on with her life and is managing just fine without him. My ex suffered terribly once he realised I wasn’t coming back and was doing great without him. He too struggled to pay his child support (apparently) and started laying on the guilt. I ignored him. He’s meant to notify CMS not me about that.

Meh. Fuck him.

He can't afford to eat because he's on SSP but he can't even be bothered to contact the CMS to let them know. He's lying or a Darwin Award winner.

Aww, bless, he went off sick thinking that it would stop the deductions altogether, but he's FA and FO.

Oh, well <shrug>, he'll just have to go back to work.

No no no. Tough shit. He's paying the price for his financial abuse. Do not engage with him.

None of this is your problem or your responsibility. You should stop engaging with him about anything other than contact. He is using the situation to continue to manipulate you. Don't let him. Time to grey rock.

YABU for feeling guilty.

They’ll reduce his payments, normally to a very small amount.

CMS is designed by men so it can never put men the non-resident parent in poverty, only women and children. It's a pathetically tiny proportion of a man's income. Ignore him.

NOT your problem or responsibility !

You continue CMS.

My ex pleads poverty too, apparently driven entirely by having to pay maintenance. The smoking and time in the pub is obviously free 🙄. Meanwhile, I am financially comfortable because I have worked hard to advance my career and am careful with what I have.

Your ex created arrears by refusing to pay and still isn't following the process, to his detriment. He's a grown man, let him get on with it.

Just keep repeating that he should talk to cms not you

Me me me me me.
That's really what his issue is.

He sees you and the children as his toys that he can pick up and drop off when ever.

Has he raised any concern about what they want/need/feel? They've had their home life turned upside down and left alone with a feckless father.

Don't worry if he's having a tough time. Adults tend to have tough days and being an adult, they've had plenty of practice on how to manage.

Your children's happiness and welfare is what everyone should be focused on.

You feel badly about this because you are a compassionate, empathetic and caring human being. And he has spent years taking advantage of that positive quality and continued to use your children as a way to financially abuse you even after the relationship ended.

This is now him reaping the consequences to his actions. He should have made payments when you split. He created this problem, not you.

I imagine that over the course of this relationship he gaslit you into taking responsibility for problems he created. This is him trying to do the same thing again instead of doing what every other adult does and standing on his own two feet and using the resources available to him. The fact he hasn't told cmp that he's out of work is making me wonder if it's even true or if he was trying to manipulate you. Absolutely nothing to feel badly for op. You might be comfortable but this is money for your children that they are entitled to. He owes them this money.

If you feel bad you clearly care for him and should help him. If you don’t feel bad you shouldn’t.

You know your situation not some miserable women on the internet

@Dramakwe33n

His finances are not your circus, even though the children are your 'little monkeys'.

I wouldn't go NC with him completely since you do want the door open for him to see the DC, as long as his erratic pattern isn't unsettling them. And as long as he DOES see them when he says he's going tor and they aren't being constantly disappointed by his 'no shows'.

I do think you need to control his communications more 'tightly'. If he's communicating by text or phone with his 'poor me' shit, block him. Set up an email for him to use and send it to him telling him that this will be the only way to communicate from now on, unless he has the DC in his care. Emails are 'easier' because, unlike text/phone, they aren't 'in your face' demanding immediate answers. With emails you can let them sit for a few hours (or days) until you've steeled yourself for whatever they contain. Or you have someone else read them first and give you the important details without the rhetoric.

As far as what he says about you, who cares? The dog barks but the caravan passes on. The people who know, love, and value you won't believe him and the others who do aren't worth your time.

Get on with your life and don’t give him a second thought. If he can’t keep regular contact he wouldn’t be seeing the children. My ex was similar and there was no way the children were going to be spending time in a filthy house with a father who used them as his counsellors. He was told to take me to court to see the children, I’m still waiting 18 years later. He limped back on the odd occasion and was told to get a solicitor or represent himself, I wasn’t having the children subjected to his woe is me shite. He paid me via the CSA via a deductions of earnings order in the end and like your ex he was in thousands of pounds of debt. It wasn’t my problem, he wasn’t my problem he made his pathetic bed so I let him lie in it and wallow. My mental health was in tatters at times because of the useless prick and what he told people to deflect from the pathetic excuse for a father he really was but no way was I going to be beaten down because of him. Hold your head up OP, live your life, bring your children up and ignore absolutely anything he says unless it’s regarding court directed contact. He’ll soon get the message.

My bet is that his wages haven't gone down and he knows that if he tries to to tell the CMS this, then they'll know he's lying and his payments won't go down.

You've already said he lies and has manipulated you in the past - chances are he's doing it again and he's pulling on your heart strings.

So what you're comfortable? He wasn't fussed when making you pay for everything, would he pay you more of roles were reversed, of course not. Don't fall for his manipulation bullshit

He doesn’t really see the children, I’m not sure you have much to lose here. ‘I know how you feel, my mental health used to be terrible <cough, when I lived with you>. Positive thinking and focussing on the children <cough, actually it the fix was just divorcing you> really helped me.’
dont change the cms. Put it away for the kids if you don’t need it- they’ll never have a dad they can count on, let them have this.