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Original poster

To expect a bit of help from parents

35 replies

PlumGoose · 01/06/2024 15:12

Feeling a bit pissed off after years of me and my husband needing to support both my parents and his parents. Especially when so many of our friends have huge support from theirs!
For context we are a couple in our 30s and expecting our first child. We both value our independence and I’m proud to say we have done well for ourselves, have a nice life and have done it all without support. But wouldn’t it just be nice sometimes to have a bit of help from even one of them?!
Both my parents and my husbands are divorced and have been for a long time. His are semi retired, dad remarried and mum not. Mine are both retired, dad has medical issues and both single/widowed.
Its not even only that they don’t help us or have very very rarely done so (time, financial, decorating, gardening…etc) its that they all actually expect us to help them when we work full time and have our own life. Calling up asking us to go help do their gardens, decorating, lend money (in the case of my dad who never has any money and gets himself repeatedly into debt), pick up shopping on the way over, do online orders, give lifts (as my mum doesn’t drive) It varies between them but it’s often! Trying to set some boundaries and have explained we won’t be able to do as much when the baby comes which I don’t think has really sunk in…
Today our friend and next door neighbours parents are visiting, taking them out for lunch and helping them with their garden. Instead we’ve had a message asking if my husband can go over after work one night this week to help with some odd jobs at my husbands mums.
If nothing else it’s shown us both how we don’t want to be as parents, I do really hope we will be a help and support and not a hindrance to our children even when they’re grown up but am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hard done to about this whole situation?! Shouldn’t it be that the parents want to help out their kids even when grown up rather than just expecting the kids to help them?

OP posts:
sawadekah · 01/06/2024 16:01

i do quite a lot for one PIL/parent at present as they are ill, but the other 5 are totally independent

we are not the kind of family that would expect offer or feel comfortable with say MIL and StepFILA coming over to do the garden with or for us. That would be strange to me… but we meet up for lunch and hang out together etc as we get on well.

And if my StepDF was going to help us by fixing our sink/fitting a shower we’d pay him as it’s out of his usual patch and he’d miss his own work by helping us. But we’d prefer to get him to do it so we’d offer him and my mum dinner etc too.

I’d be inclined to start saying no - unless it’s health stuff - and reassert that you’ve got your own stuff to do and if they need help eg with garden they can pay for it.

Orangello · 01/06/2024 15:59

it's an interesting question, isn't it - who should be reasonably expected to help whom here, when you are all healthy adults? I didn't think my parents should be doing my gardening or decorating when I was in my 30s. But they didn't expect me to do the same for them.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/06/2024 15:44

Eh I'm 50:50 on this one. I mean you are healthy and so-far child free adults in your 30s, so what help would you expect them to be giving you? I don't think most people would need help?

I wouldn't be giving money to a parent who is just bad with money - it will just disappear into a pit and not really help him anyway. But I wouldn't have a problem with picking up shopping if I were going over anyway, or your husband helping with odd jobs his mother can't do. Just decide what you feel is reasonable and don't be afraid to say no to the rest.

Boomer55 · 01/06/2024 15:42

Well, you’re a volunteer, so can do as you like.

But, they’re not obligated to help you either.

Unless anyone has health issues, everyone needs to stand on their own two feet.🤷‍♀️

Elieza · 01/06/2024 15:42

Maybe start tit for tatting?

"Yeah dad I'll be round at 2pm to help you decorate for a couple of hours no bother. Oh, by the way on Sunday morning could you help me with a bit of weeding please?"

That way they will realise that it's a favour for a favour and either stop asking or help you in return.

If they don't help you in return but still ask you to do stuff, then the next time they ask if just say "no dad I'm not using my time to help you decorate coz you never help me in return. I'm your daughter. Your supposed to help me. Why won't you, why do you always have excuses?"

Ball in their court. Their serve...

Supersimkin2 · 01/06/2024 15:40

💐 OP. They’re awful. Nothing you can do about that - but you can say no, and should.

I secretly think some people get their high in life from taking out more than they put in. Tragic, but not as sad for them
as it is for the rest of us.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/06/2024 15:36

They all sound much older than their time and bar a disability or illness they shouldn't be leaning on you both so much at all.
Do either you or your husband have siblings to share the burden?

Pillowface1 · 01/06/2024 15:35

This is not reasonable.
Stop being available at all.
They are very far from old.

Original poster
PlumGoose · 01/06/2024 15:32

ClubbingClobber · 01/06/2024 15:26

Just because they’re your own elderly parents, doesn’t mean they’re not selfish pricks.

Once you've understood and accepted that, you will find it easier to expect nothing of them, and deal with them accordingly.

Help them when you can, and if you can’t, don’t sweat it.

Enjoy your life, you don’t need them anymore. Enjoy the Saturday!

Edited

I should perhaps have added that my husbands parents are both approaching 60 and mine are just turned 60 so none of them are elderly although you wouldn’t know it!
Have definitely come to terms more with this being the reality in the last few years but still irks me now and then especially when I see other parents being so helpful and genuinely wanting to be around rather than just expecting…

OP posts:
ClubbingClobber · 01/06/2024 15:26

Just because they’re your own elderly parents, doesn’t mean they’re not selfish pricks.

Once you've understood and accepted that, you will find it easier to expect nothing of them, and deal with them accordingly.

Help them when you can, and if you can’t, don’t sweat it.

Enjoy your life, you don’t need them anymore. Enjoy the Saturday!