To expect a bit of help from parents

Jeepers! I thought you were going to say they are 80!

I'm your parents age OP and I've spent the last week doing 10 hour days building a wall in my garden.

They aren't elderly, they are taking advantage.
You can only live your own life and they should be responsible for theirs.
If they can't manage the day to day affairs of their own life they need to build systems now that will work for them as they age.

Unless you set boundaries now you could be sacrificing your own energy, time and peace of mind for them until you're in your 70s.

Should really be based on needs and abilities. Yes sure parents will help when you're still young and they are adults, more capable, financially better off. And in turn, you will help them when they are older and can no longer manage. But I would expect that there is a time where both you and parents are healthy functioning adults and everybody can generally manage their own life independently.

If your parents are this demanding of you now, whilst in their prime, the future will be very bleak.
Stop being available.
Focus on getting your house in tip top condition because hanging a simple shelf can feel like a big job once a baby arrives!

My own parents are dead op but would have been helpful I'm sure. All my friends parents are. My dh just has his mum...in the twenty odd years I've known him I've never seen her do anything for him...he goes round regularly to do DIY and gardening. I actually find it really upsetting

They just sound very selfish, a bit demanding & totally lacking in awareness!

(I was very very lucky - my dad fixed everything in our house, cooked incredible Chinese food for us (he was Chinese) ironed loads - obviously he was an exception - but he was still doing this until weeks before he passed at 89(miss him terribly) & mum, who's in hee 80's was also incredible & still helps with ironing/bits & pieces - sorry, waffling on - but any chance to talk about my parents x)

My parents haven't done shit for me and my husband. One time my mother and sister drove 3.5 hours to 'help me' with my medically fragile baby but mom changed her mind and said 'Sorry, dear, but since I'm away from your father I'm going to enjoy myself!' She went to the mall didn't see her for hours. Very little help other than staying home with baby so I could run to grocery store about 25 minutes max. MIL came to stay and help after son age six was having major surgery and expected to be in hospital for ten days. She left the night after he had his surgery, still in intensive care because she 'was worried how my sister in law (her daughter) and son in law 'were going to cope sharing a vehicle while she was here!' Needless to say I don't think you're unreasonable and their learned helplessness is ridiculous.

Oh I hear ya, we have zero help and it's bloody hard going at times. I've got many friends who's parents do all childcare, turn up every morning to dress their children because they can't do it whilst trying to get themselves ready for work, come and do their housework whilst at work including oven cleans, gardening, making meals for their freezer, all their washing and doing their shopping for them - there is no doubt more that I've missed. It used to upset me but now I just let it go over my head as fed up wasting time and energy over it. If you can afford to hire some hired help as it'll be a game changer when baby is here and one less thing to try and do yourselves.

DH & I and DS's girlfriend’s parents have helped a little with their house deposit and are helping them move in soon - between us we’ll be van hiring, moving furniture, reassembling his bed, helping to decorate and garden. Our DP did similar - minus the deposit help- 30 years ago.

I’m almost your DPs’ age - I can’t believe they’re expecting you to do this. Now you’re pregnant this is a great opportunity to reset your relationships with them.

Are they genuinely in poor health or just lazy? They sound incredibly needy for people not yet in their 60s. DH & I are mid 60s and yes, we do help our one remaining parent ... in her 90s ... but she is very grateful and appreciative of the help we give ... which is on our terms and only when it is mutually convenient.

They are only late 50s/60! God Lord most people are still working full time and doing their own grunt work.
They sound very lazy.
I would use the phrases other posters have suggested to stop doing the work for them.

I agree with this.

Before I had kids I’d say I helped my parents with stuff like decorating or gardening more than they helped me. We were young and fit and a willing pair of hands. I’d think nothing of picking up some stuff or errands if it helped. Once I had kids, and they were retired, it flipped to them helping us more when the DC were small. Now it’s heading back the other way again as parents age.

Having divorced parents also is harder than if parents are together still. You’re dealing with 4 separate time commitments to other households Vs 2 if parents & ILs are still together. It’s fairly understandable that each person doesn’t see what they’re asking as a big deal, but times 4 it adds up to a lot of your time. So you need to establish your own boundaries, not rely on them all behaving differently. And ask for help from them too if you want it.

I think also I had huge amounts of help from my mum
& dad
my mum & dad were always available for babysitting and general help so to me it just seems a normal thing to do

I agree with you OP. My parents had so much help when we were kids. We are at either grandparents or Auntie/Uncle's houses for weekends etc when we were kids. We have nothing. No one bit of support. That's from both side of the family. It sucks.

I feel sad when I read post like this
I do loads for my son and his partner and don’t think anything of it .

They just bought a house and my DH ( my son’s stepdad since he was 4 years old ) has spent several days painting the house with them . He happily offered to do this

He put the tv and mirrors and beds up with their help and will often do little bits of DIY if they need something done .
But he will expect one of them to help him if it’s a big job 😂

In fact my DH spends more time helping them than
I do 😂

I gave my son a huge deposit and pretty much most of the stuff in the house I gave them the money to buy .

They both work full time and if they are having stuff delivered or when they had stuff installed we are happy to pop up and wait in for it if they want us to

They live less than 10mins drive away and I don’t have a key but my DH has although we never go up uninvited
My DH has his electric car charger installed on the driveway so he normally pops up twice a week but he often leaves the car there and walks back with the dog

My sons partners parents helped them move in and they paid the solicitors fees and his father is paying for a new logburner to be installed as the one they have is condemned

They live about an hour away so can’t do as much as we can as we live closer but I’m sure if they lived closer they would do just as much

That’s really not relevant to the OP though. And presumably you’d help in other ways such as you were able to?

@PlumGoose it’s time to practice a new language. I’ll start you with a commonly used phrase, ‘oh I’m sorry to hear that. I’m busy/ unavailable but I hope you get it sorted out.’

In this language you do NOT make suggestions or offer a compromise or in any way take on their problems.

Certainly no bailing out a man who repeatedly gets into debt. That money is for you and your baby so it’s not available. Helping in the past hasn’t prevented the same situation arising again.

In the meantime can you pop round and fix my tap which is dripping? 😉

Wait, so yours have only just turned 60, his are not yet 60, and they've been leaning on you to help them for years? Why? Are they not normal capable people of working age? Do they think you should be doing their household tasks just because you're younger and fitter? What do they think people with no kids do?

They're not old or disabled and they could look after their own households when you were younger, so they still can. They're just taking advantage of your willingness to be their unpaid servants.

I just can't understand how people can be like this instead of living their own lives and letting their adult sons and daughters get on with theirs. DH and I are in our mid 60s, working, and looking after our house and garden like most adults. I can't imagine summoning our adult children to do jobs for me that I'm capable of doing myself.

This is interesting to me.

I've got wonderful parents and they have always said they do so much for me and my brother's, etc etc.

I've honestly been shocked since I've had a baby. My daughter is 18 months now but in her first year my mum basically refused to come help because she "couldn't face" the hour and a half drive to mine to see the baby.

When we went to visit them, she wouldn't help me with a single night with the baby - even after two weeks of no sleep and me crying to her and her declaring "don't worry!!!! I'll help you so much while you're here so you can have a break". I was still crying with exhaustion when I was there.

She also promised to do childcare while I'm at work - she's promised so many times. And cried that she never gets to see DD. But then when I try to get her to do a day of childcare she makes excuses and says I'm being difficult.

I don't know what the answer is... It's just surprising when you realise that actually your parents don't want to do anything that puts them out.

Blimey you will have to start finding ways to reduce the stuff you are doing for them. There is no reason you can't pick the odd thing up feom the shops if you are going etc but all the other stuff no way.
You need to just give excuses each time, until they get the message.
No sorry I am working some overtime. No sorry we have so much gardening to do today. No sorry I have a terrible migraine. Etc etc.
I am sorry they seem very selfish. My Df who's on his own at 84 hardly asks for any favours or help I have to force them on him!. I can understand how hurtful it must feel.
Especially with a baby on the way you may as well start as you mean to go on.

I've told DD that I no longer have physical capacity to help when her baby arrives. I'm in my 70s.

Both sets of parents are only in their 60s?! They're still young! You have another 30 years of this! Decide on your boundaries and stick to it. I have the same with my parents, one passed on. I only have my father now and he's in his 80s now. So I know how you feel.

Me and DH are immigrants, and we are expected to fly over 3,000+ miles to redecorate, weed allotments, etc for our parents. Because that is what "children do". We don't do that, and therefore, we are the worst children ever, and God's punishment onto their heads. Sending over the money for them to hire movers/decorators/handymen does not count as help at all, as it is "attention (labour....) that counts"! Needless to say, we have never seen (or expected) any help from our parents over here. When I hear from my friends that their parents are paying their house deposits, childcare bills or swimming lessons, I can only describe it as "emotional damage" (Steven He comedian on YouTube) 😂

My parents never did my garden. I never did theirs. It's what they saved for, to buy in help as needed and let each other live our own lives.
If we all pay for the help we need and keep boundaries clear we all know where we stand.

That's so tough OP, they sound incredibly selfish. I know I'm very fortunate but my parents and in-laws did (and still do) so much for us. We help them out as well but it's very much reciprocal. They're in their late 70s/early 80s now but still babysit, take dd out, take us all out for dinner etc. Just help out wherever they can to make our lives eadier when it gets hectic. I think once the baby comes you will just have to say no if it gets too much.

We haven’t had any support from either sets of parents. It’s hard and I really feel your pain.

It bloody hurts when my workmates tell me their parents are taking kids swimming, or that when they got home and their dad had tidied and weeded their front lawn.

However this has made us stronger and more resilient. It’s time to put some boundaries in place.