To think it's not ok for a 17yo to spend all summer in his room

I didn't game but when I was 17, I was in the middle of doing my A-levels and in the holidays I did exactly what your dc is doing. I emerged occasionally, wearing the thickest jumper I could find despite the heat, ate my bodyweight in bread and jacket potatoes and then disappear again. I was not depressed or anything, I would read or colour or draw or whatever I enjoyed at the time and listen to music. I didn't have a job either and was never pushed into one.

As an adult, I do the same with my holidays and weekends but not in my bedroom.

Saying they're really annoying, over enthusiastic and oppressive or some shit

My ds loves going out and socialising with people and doing things, but is never the organiser and it is so frustrating.

They have one lad in their friendship group who organises everything - last week he got them all organised to climb a munro! They all loved it. He kicked off the idea of them going on holiday this year together. If this lad hadn't organised them they would have all be at home in bed or on their playstations instead!

Your ds's friends, or at least some of them, will be the same, they just need someone to take the lead and get them out there. Maybe you can convince your ds to be that lead. I am still working on mine!

We’ve given DS a bit of leeway as he had such a traumatic time at school (very long story and needs a thread by itself) he’s also ND, so the fact that he’s almost completed a year at college, has a work placement as part of the college course (which sadly doesn’t provide a wage) and has made some lovely new friends and has a girlfriend too, so he’s managed to finally have a positive experience with quality time.

We were hoping his work placement would take him on after his 100 hours were up, there was talk of it and DS was asked to keep coming in one day a week but he doesn’t receive a wage, although the experience has been beneficial.

So atm DS doesn’t have a PT job but once college has finished we’ll see what’s out there.

I agree he needs to get out and about more, although there us another thread slagging off 'the out and about brigade'

Jesus, I had part time jobs from when I was 13, baby sitting paperrounds, car washing, moving on to retail from 14.

I cannot abide the lack of working these days in teens, often justified by their parents because of 'studies' and 'being too tired'. You create a work ethic from being very young and doing things and being busy.

Mine was like this exactly. I conceded for a year and let him do what he wanted. The following year he got back into sport and was more sociable and active. Talking to him now (26)he was depressed, gay but not out and into weed. Was in touch with all sorts online in gaming chats. I wish I'd been able to motivate him further. He's v happy and successful now but time with you sharing small experiences together like a meal, a walk etc will help. Share his game with him, he might open up.

Not necessarily. My gaming mad DS finished college with rubbish a-levels and walked straight into a £35k a year tech job. Never had a part time job before.

Money is an excellent motivator. I worked every Saturday and holiday from 16 years old as I wanted money for clothes, going out and holidays.

Perhaps cutting off any allowance for games and clothes might work?

it not good and healthy. However I would expect parents to do more then just moaning at him “get a job” he probably needs help to find one.

DH has drily pointed out that a 17 yr old boy isn't just gaming for hours in his room but partaking in 'other activities'

He needs a job but honestly at that age I think I was allergic to the sun and fresh air.

Mine had no choice but to spend months in his room during Covid regulations..along with the rest of his peer group. Its certainly not ideal, but doesnt necessarily lead to depression and end of the world. He is currently working as a musician on a cruise liner and seeing the world.

My 17 year old (doing A levels) has two jobs (pub work and a cleaning job) and the 14 year old works as many hours as he can at a local farm. I do expect them to use their own money to buy things primarily so they learn the value of earning and saving. My 17 year old has just paid for their own car insurance (and that was a lot of saving).
Maybe he needs an incentive. Even if it's better gaming equipment it might actually as motivation to get out there.

If he can’t get a job if you could send him out on jobs eg dm or dmil need x done (with remuneration if possible!) I think they need to be parented like small kids at this age, ds is 16 nearly 17 and we’re like ‘game night with whatever goodies’ or ‘can you help with this and we’ll get x or y’. Last week ds did the shopping, we just collected him and shopping afterwards (it wasn’t too bad either!)

I know it’s hard with the gaming and sleeping - seems to be a 17 year old boy’s favourite habits 😌 My 16 year old DS can be a bit this way inclined but he’s just joined a (cheap) local gym, is doing voluntary work experience this summer and does see his mates a fair bit and works hard in term
time.
Can your step-son balance the gaming with some other things like a job/hobby/voluntary stuff; anything to get him out of his bedroom?

No. At 17 mine were out riding, hiking, camping, swimming, tennis, bicycle rides, anything to do with being outside.

If he is your stepson then his father is the one who needs to step up.

You also need to look at whether there is no underlying cause for this:

• could he be depressed? has he become addicted to gaming and detached from the real world?
• does he have some real friends or does he find himself alone during the holidays because away from college these kids are not that interested in socialising with him
• could you suggest activities (sport for example) that might get him out of the house
• If he likes music he could start a band and meet like-minded friends that way.

Basically you both need to talk to him but avoid the approach of just just telling him 'get out and get a job' without exploring whether there isn't something else going on.

I assume you want to maintain a cordial relationship with him and if you push his father to cut his allowance money and force him to work you will not come out well out of it as a step parent....

I'm with this PP. My son definitely got himself addicted to gaming. He's 25 now. He has turned out fine, BUT, at 17 got his first job, met his girlfriend there, hen passed his driving test, then went to Uni. All of those things contributed towards him getting off gaming and into the real world. Gaming did not turned him into a mass murderer but he needed a gentle leg up into adulthood.

Ah that makes a lot of difference. What does your DH think? And does DSS live with you?

Perhaps find some music events that might interest him or just talk over meals about stuff he could get into? Do you live near to places that showcase modern art/ local music?

Mine all worked term time and during school holidays. It did them the world of good- especially my kids who didn’t work hard at school but were motivated to do well at work.

But how does he pay for stuff he wants ? Do you give him the money ? No way would i let my 17 year old do this. Needs a job.