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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell colleague people are chatting behind her back

109 replies

MeowMail · 01/06/2024 03:52

I work in finance, I love my job but I think as an industry it can be extremely toxic, especially for women.
One of the younger women on our team is 23, if life is a lottery she had almost all the numbers. She is extremely beautiful (modelled her way through uni), tall, slim, natural tan and natural blonde hair. She is from a well off family, well educated, intelligent, talented, athletic and above all else a lovely kind person. Now I get it, it's hard not to be jealous of her at times as on the surface she has it all.
We are all also aware though that she is often subjected to male clients being flirtatious or even just sexually harassing her. If they bring enough money to the firm though there is little she can do. We also know she lost a parent as a child which I think single handedly scores out all the wins she has had in life.

Now tonight I went for drinks after work with some people, she works from home on Fridays so wasn't there. The conversation turned to being about her. And honestly the men were lovely about her but the women were like vultures, she's a nepo baby (this isn't really true at all, one of the seniors knows her dad and she did intern with us while doing her masters however - she applied the same way as everyone else and until the interview the applications are done blind (name/dob etc. removed). I sat in on her interview and she smashed it tbh.
She's a gold-digger (her new boyfriend makes more and is a bit older but nothing crazy), one of them said "I don't feel bad that the clients sexualise her, what else can you expect when you look like her" another said "I find her infuriating, I hate how easy her life is" (excuse me - she lost a parent as a child how is that easy!).
Several of the guys defended her saying she's lovely and hard working, but the women kept going find faults (her legs are too skinny, her instagram is icky, she's fake, she's this, she's that).
Now while this is bullying - 2 people from HR were there and part of it and the chief investment officer was there and said nothing.
So while I will report it, I know very little will come from it especially as it happened outside work.
However I'm thinking, this woman is talented, hardworking, smart etc. She could probably get a comparable job elsewhere if she wanted and maybe if I tell her how toxic and vile people are being it will encourage her to do so.
I did say to a few of them that I get it, it seems unfair for one person to be stunning, sporty, smart, talented, kind and hardworking and it feels like no one should get it all but she doesn't deserve the be bullied which is exactly what they were doing. They all just brushed me off and joked that when your gods favourite what does it matter what they say when she's not around.

Now I'm not sure what to do - do I tell her? Just report? I'm worried if I tell her it will be hurtful but equally I think she deserves to know so she can get out.

So AIBU for wanting to tell this colleague how horrible people are being?

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 01/06/2024 05:23

No, you don’t tell her. You should speak to the people who were present and joined in from HR plus cc. their line manager and express your concern regarding their comments along with the others involved.
Those people will no doubt have something to say about most colleagues including you. It’s the type of person they are.

GreenFairies · 01/06/2024 05:08

Why tell her? Right now she is blissfully unaware and all you will achieve is making her feel uncomfortable and self conscious in the workplace. There is nothing to gain by telling her. She’s young and gradually she will learn what workplaces can be like. It’s a learning curve many of us go through.

You can, however, be her (work) friend, so that she knows she has at least one ally in the workplace.

CatWontBudge · 01/06/2024 05:03

No you don't tell her! It will achieve nothing constructive but is likely to cause her distress.

I would report through appropriate channels: whilst the conversation happened outside work hours, it was related to work and was tantamount to bullying which could spill into work.

I overheard a similar conversation once, a door wasn't closed and I could hear every word that was said. I was so shocked and angry that I didn't trust myself to speak up in the moment so I emailed an official complaint once I'd cooled off. The perpetrator was asked to submit their resignation (there had been other incidents), but I never mentioned to the young woman who was the victim of the verbal bullying behind her back.

CheekyHobson · 01/06/2024 04:51

You do realise that your bitchy colleagues probably have a whole different set of things they bitch about in regard to you, right? Bitches gonna bitch!

Does that make you think you should leave your job, or do you think, “I don’t need to worry about what a bunch of jealous cows say” and get on with your life?

If your colleague left because some nasty cows said mean things about her, she’d be letting the bullies win. If it were me, I’d keep working hard and they could pickle in their own vinegar every time I had a win.

Megera · 01/06/2024 04:50

Who is this women’s line manager? They (and HR) need to be responsible for intervening in this imo.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 01/06/2024 04:15

I don’t think it matters that you didn’t speak up more, they’ll just wait until you aren’t around to bitch. All you can do is remove yourself from earshot. They may feel comfortable bitching in front of you because you are quiet, more junior, introverted, shy (anything really). I’ve overheard bitching simply due to equipment the staff didn’t realise I was there. You can’t control what comes out of other people’s mouths.

I imagine she’s been the subject of bitching and sexual comments most of her life, she probably has a good idea what the staff are like deep down. There’s no saying the next place will be any different. You could chat to her and ask what her goals/ambitions are, where she sees herself in five years, that she’s bright and could go far in the right company.

Personally I couldn’t tell someone, “the staff are jealous and say nasty things about you, why don’t you apply for other jobs?”. (In a nutshell). She could confront them, they could deny it- they’re not likely to admit it.

Original poster
MeowMail · 01/06/2024 04:02

Josette77 · 01/06/2024 03:58

Whenever someone has told me what others were saying behind my back, I ask them " Why did they feel comfortable ble saying that in front of you?"

And what would telling her accomplish?

Edited

This is fair and had it been a more isolated setting I absolutely would have confronted them and I did when the numbers were smaller.
Unfortunately I have social anxiety, I didn't feel comfortable speaking up in front of a group of people who all clearly shared the same view. Other people were doing this (some of the men) and it was being blatantly ignored. It's not an environment I'm really chatty in at all, I've only recently pushed myself to going and haven't yet build the confidence to contribute.
However I do get it, my silence doesn't reflect well. I did speak up as soon as I was in an environment which didn't provoke the same anxiety.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 01/06/2024 03:58

Your jealous colleagues’ bitchiness is having no real impact on her at this point. What she doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her.

If the bitchiness crosses the line to the point where she becomes aware of it, she can decide if she wants to stay or go.

Josette77 · 01/06/2024 03:58

Whenever someone has told me what others were saying behind my back, I ask them " Why did they feel comfortable ble saying that in front of you?"

And what would telling her accomplish?