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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell colleague people are chatting behind her back

109 replies

MeowMail · 01/06/2024 03:52

I work in finance, I love my job but I think as an industry it can be extremely toxic, especially for women.
One of the younger women on our team is 23, if life is a lottery she had almost all the numbers. She is extremely beautiful (modelled her way through uni), tall, slim, natural tan and natural blonde hair. She is from a well off family, well educated, intelligent, talented, athletic and above all else a lovely kind person. Now I get it, it's hard not to be jealous of her at times as on the surface she has it all.
We are all also aware though that she is often subjected to male clients being flirtatious or even just sexually harassing her. If they bring enough money to the firm though there is little she can do. We also know she lost a parent as a child which I think single handedly scores out all the wins she has had in life.

Now tonight I went for drinks after work with some people, she works from home on Fridays so wasn't there. The conversation turned to being about her. And honestly the men were lovely about her but the women were like vultures, she's a nepo baby (this isn't really true at all, one of the seniors knows her dad and she did intern with us while doing her masters however - she applied the same way as everyone else and until the interview the applications are done blind (name/dob etc. removed). I sat in on her interview and she smashed it tbh.
She's a gold-digger (her new boyfriend makes more and is a bit older but nothing crazy), one of them said "I don't feel bad that the clients sexualise her, what else can you expect when you look like her" another said "I find her infuriating, I hate how easy her life is" (excuse me - she lost a parent as a child how is that easy!).
Several of the guys defended her saying she's lovely and hard working, but the women kept going find faults (her legs are too skinny, her instagram is icky, she's fake, she's this, she's that).
Now while this is bullying - 2 people from HR were there and part of it and the chief investment officer was there and said nothing.
So while I will report it, I know very little will come from it especially as it happened outside work.
However I'm thinking, this woman is talented, hardworking, smart etc. She could probably get a comparable job elsewhere if she wanted and maybe if I tell her how toxic and vile people are being it will encourage her to do so.
I did say to a few of them that I get it, it seems unfair for one person to be stunning, sporty, smart, talented, kind and hardworking and it feels like no one should get it all but she doesn't deserve the be bullied which is exactly what they were doing. They all just brushed me off and joked that when your gods favourite what does it matter what they say when she's not around.

Now I'm not sure what to do - do I tell her? Just report? I'm worried if I tell her it will be hurtful but equally I think she deserves to know so she can get out.

So AIBU for wanting to tell this colleague how horrible people are being?

OP posts:
wickerlady · 01/06/2024 07:47

What other people have to say about you is none of your business.

The women are clearly unprofessional and unkind, there's lots of people like this in the world and this lady is likely to encounter them everywhere she goes.

TheaBrandt · 01/06/2024 07:33

There was a line I heard “unless someone is literally plotting my death I don’t want know what’s being said about me behind my back”

.

VeryGoodVeryNiceChickenNugget · 01/06/2024 07:32

I'd just mind my own business tbh.

InSpainTheRain · 01/06/2024 07:32

I would not tell her, it achieves nothing apart from possibly worrying her. She may also know, but internally be strong, and brush it off or accept her colleagues are twats PS they also bitch about whoever isn't there, you included!

Scintella · 01/06/2024 07:29

Eze · 01/06/2024 07:28

Don’t be a shit stirrer. Nothing good will come of repeating gossip. She will feel bad and the gossips will round on you.

There are people who did stand up for her, you should have done that too, but gossip is just gossip. Leave alone.

If you feel she’s being bullied by these people in work, or harassed by others then step in. Maybe encourage her to join a union. Just don’t shit stir and make her feel bad.

I agree

Eze · 01/06/2024 07:28

Don’t be a shit stirrer. Nothing good will come of repeating gossip. She will feel bad and the gossips will round on you.

There are people who did stand up for her, you should have done that too, but gossip is just gossip. Leave alone.

If you feel she’s being bullied by these people in work, or harassed by others then step in. Maybe encourage her to join a union. Just don’t shit stir and make her feel bad.

Spirallingdownwards · 01/06/2024 07:26

I would go to HR now and tell then how uncomfortable it was and ask why they didn't intervene.

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 07:21

MeowMail · 01/06/2024 04:02

This is fair and had it been a more isolated setting I absolutely would have confronted them and I did when the numbers were smaller.
Unfortunately I have social anxiety, I didn't feel comfortable speaking up in front of a group of people who all clearly shared the same view. Other people were doing this (some of the men) and it was being blatantly ignored. It's not an environment I'm really chatty in at all, I've only recently pushed myself to going and haven't yet build the confidence to contribute.
However I do get it, my silence doesn't reflect well. I did speak up as soon as I was in an environment which didn't provoke the same anxiety.

Show quote history

You didn't. You joined in

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 07:20

I did say to a few of them that I get it, it seems unfair for one person to be stunning, sporty, smart, talented, kind and hardworking and it feels like no one should get it all but she doesn't deserve the be bullied which is exactly what they were doing. so you joined in in a round about way!!

No she doesn't deserve to be sexually harassed just because it brings the money in.

Personally I'd go to HR. If they don't listen I'd quit and make it very clear in my exit interview why

BoobyDazzler · 01/06/2024 07:16

Women can be truly horrid creatures which is why most of my best friends are men.

I wouldn’t tell her but wouldn’t have sat there listening to it without challenging it, either.

WingSluts · 01/06/2024 07:11

Sounds like you want to tell her purely for your own benefit, so you look like the good guy.

Absolutely no good can come of what you’re suggesting and possibly a lot of hurt and I’ll feeling.

ThePerfectDog · 01/06/2024 07:10

Next time maybe take your cue from the men. You don’t have to challenge them directly if you’re anxious but as a bare minimum you could agree with the people who are standing up for her.

If you feel brave enough next time though, challenge it. Point out that she was the best candidate for the job for example. If it was me, because I’m passive aggressive, I would have pointed out ‘light heartedly’ to them that jealousy is not an attractive look.

Don’t tell her though, that’s not fair on her.

NewKnickersNewName · 01/06/2024 07:05

I would certainly be having a chat with the HR people who heard it all in such a way that it reminds them of their responsibilities. Those continue outside the office building in many cases.

RampantIvy · 01/06/2024 07:00

I think repeating gossip back to the victim actually compounds the problem because now, as well as being gossiped about, she has to know about it and feel bad.

I agree, and it makes the messenger as bad as the bullies.

Feelsodrained · 01/06/2024 06:59

No don’t tell her. Just shut the conversation down if you hear it again. Anyway you seem weirdly invested in this woman and know a lot about her - is this later going to turn out to be you? It sounds a bit unrealistic anyway - at 23 I doubt she’s making big waves in whatever sector you are in or that people care that much. If true, she does sound privileged and the partner being friends with her dad is likely to get people’s backs up.

ASighMadeOfStone · 01/06/2024 06:54

Josette77 · 01/06/2024 03:58

Whenever someone has told me what others were saying behind my back, I ask them " Why did they feel comfortable ble saying that in front of you?"

And what would telling her accomplish?

Edited

This.
Whether it's real or not, the OP ain't no sister

Truthseeker456 · 01/06/2024 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Letsgotitans · 01/06/2024 06:42

No, please don't tell her. I would find this so upsetting. I know it's hard in the moment but try and call them out so at least they know not to say it in front of you as it's, understandably, making you feel uncomfortable.

Everleigh13 · 01/06/2024 06:23

I wouldn’t tell her. I think repeating gossip back to the victim actually compounds the problem because now, as well as being gossiped about, she has to know about it and feel bad.

The best thing you can do in the future is advocate for her. “X is a lovely person and really hard working”. If you can’t do that due to social anxiety then I would leave things as they are so at least she has her confidence in tact.

Oblomov24 · 01/06/2024 06:09

You never really stood up for her though did you? You say that your social anxiety prevented you from doing so. That doesn't really stand up though does it?

sesquipedalian · 01/06/2024 06:03

If you tell her, what will it achieve? As for recommending that she could easily get a job elsewhere, she will interpret that as “you want her gone” - and why should things be any different in a different financial institution? It is a sad fact that if someone is outstandingly good looking and appears to have had an easy ride in life, there will always be those who are jealous and overlook the hard work and talent (and personal tragedy, if she lost a parent when young) that have got her where she is.

Dolphinnoises · 01/06/2024 05:57

All telling her will do is ease your conscience and destroy her confidence.

What you need to do is harder - advocate for her. Tell some of the people who were talking shit that you don’t agree with them. Tell them that she smashed it in her interview. Point out that she lost a parent young, and if someone offered to make them drop dead gorgeous but the price was a parent, would they take it? Tell them you think she’s good at her job.

Be nice to her in the office. Point out her successes. Be her mentor. Jess Phillips’ Everywoman is very good on this issue.

RampantIvy · 01/06/2024 05:53

No you don't tell her! It will achieve nothing constructive but is likely to cause her distress.

This ^^

Lillers · 01/06/2024 05:43

Please don’t say anything to her - this will almost certainly play on any insecurities she already has (even if she looks like she doesn’t have any - we all do). It will achieve nothing. If you suggest she starts looking at other jobs, she could go to HR about you (I mean how would the conversation go? “people are saying mean things about you so you should probably leave” - erm no, they’re the ones doing something wrong, why should her career be the one that suffers?)

You should put a complaint into HR, in writing, with her line manager and the line managers of those present cc’d in. Attach a copy of whichever corporate policy they are breaching (bullying in the workplace? Sex discrimination? Dickhead behaviour?)

In future, if you’re not prepared to take a stand in the moment, get up and leave. By staying, you’re complicitly agreeing with their stance. Good for the men who tried to shut these nasty women up.

StellaShining · 01/06/2024 05:28

I wouldn’t tell her but I would raise a couple of comments with HR. You’ve said it won’t do anything, but if at some point in the future the situation escalates and has a negative impact on her, at least there’ll be a record that this has been an ongoing issue. She probably is used to general jealousy, but saying she deserves to be sexually harassed isn’t on. If she’s at a client event with one of these people and they see something happening, would they step in and help? From their comments probably not. And let’s not kid ourselves, we all know that junior women in particular still get hassled, even with the ‘awareness’ in corporate culture now. Things have improved but only to an extent.