To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

The issue is you are also currently paying a lot of her friends living costs and you can't afford that so the options are:

• she pays more to cover her friends food
• he brings food
• he stops eating when he comes round.

If she was to contribute an extra £20 a week that would cover getting in some extra cheap filling foods like, pasta and sauce, cheese, bread, apples, milk etc then you can have a selection of easy to make quick foods available that she and he can eat when he's round. They could whip up a massive pan of mac n cheese and fill their hollow legs.

ETA: I think its actually more important that he contributes too, you don't want DD to be thinking it's any more ok for a man to be a cocklodger living off her than for you to be subsidising her friends

This is an excellent point- she will then learn that it's her job to finance a bloke. Yes, of course she should be paying more but he should also be contributing. It's nothing to do with being a bitch, you are teaching her life skills and we all have to learn those. You'd be doing her a disservice not to actually. I think you should talk to both of them.

They’re 20, I think it can bit of an awkward age where they should being mature and adult about things, but if no one has taught them or pointed out some home truths, they will still be acting like entitled children. You’d be doing them both a favour to tell them- you love having her at home, and your like him, and are happy for him to come over, but if it’s going to be for several nights at a time, he needs to start paying towards food. That’s honestly not rude, or you being a bitch, it’s a perfectly reasonable expectation of another adult. If he’s upset or offended by that then so be it, he needs to hear it. It’s just not a reasonable to expect that, at 20, that you can rock up at a friends parents house (or anyone’s house!), stay for days at a time and help yourself to their food.

How will she manage abroad if she doesn't realise you need to pay for food and general costs to live?

But does £100 a week fully cover her share of all bills, food and some extra for rent. Given she has so much spare - more than most - I would make what you Get from her a realistic amount. I know what you mean about not been able to give same as what you had as a child - I am some what similar despite having a much more professional ‘high paying job’ but if you haven’t got it you haven’t got it and it won’t do her any harm at all and maybe better prepare her for later in life. As for the boy I’d say to your daughter they need to sort food when he’s visiting - online delivery?

I don’t think you’re an arsehole at all. It’s not up to you to provide an alternative home for him. When I was a teen, some of my friends lived in posh country houses with ponies and so on. I didn’t dream of inviting myself to live with them, even though they could most definitely have afforded it without even noticing.

Sorry, but you need to be firmer. Firstly, so what if he lives an hour’s bus ride away. That’s nothing, is it? That’s a commute for many people. It’s not like he’s having to walk 50 miles to get to your house. So, there’s zero reason for him to stay over. I’d probably allow one or two stayovers a week but only to avoid late travel, eg Dave arrives late morning, spends the day with your DD and stays over, but then gets a bus back to his home around lunchtime the next day. Certainly not staying 5 bloody days!

Also, you need to point out to him how a) you can’t afford to feed him so much; b) he shouldn’t be helping himself to food; and c) if he’s really your DD’s friend he’d be better off encouraging her to go out a bit more, not enabling her to stay in her room.

You’re being far, far too soft here! Ask him for a contribution towards food, but ideally reduce his visiting time. Get your DD to sit down with you and do an online shop so she can see the cost of food and how it all adds up.

Your daughter sounds woefully lacking in adult skills. Your job is to make her more independent within her capabilities. At the moment she’s managed to attract a friend who takes advantage of her.
It’s very common in vulnerable people on benefits to have such ‘friends’. My son is plagued by them, as soon as his money comes in they are round him like flies, he’s cooking up meals and being the jolly host , of course as soon as they’ve eaten and drunk him dry they all disappear for another month. He thinks they are his friends.
I had no idea when he was growing up that he was on the spectrum and I wish I had spent less time worrying about keeping him in school and more time building up his self confidence.

As an adult she'd normally be paying 1000% of cost of hosting friends. Its very reasonable for her to cover the costs of hosting her friend. Alternatively he can pay for himself, he should be contributing directly if he's staying for so long.

ETA: I think its actually more important that he contributes too, you don't want DD to be thinking it's any more ok for a man to be a cocklodger living off her than for you to be subsidising her friends.

Your daughter should be paying a bit more to cover him and also her own food. She doesn’t need £1000 a month walking around money, especially if you are struggling to feed the family.

Yes but £50 pw isn't enough.

I think your daughter should pay her rent and the food bill. It's outrageous that you are funding both of them to this extent.

Tell her it's not on. She has to make a proper contribution. And he needs to stop being so bloody greedy.

You sound like a lovely mum, OP. This isn't an issue though as your DD has plenty of disposable income.

When he turns up, ask for how long he's staying. Have a chat with DD about costs and how you cannot afford to feed another person, so while he's there either she or he will have to contribute to his food costs. This could be £10 a day (depending on how much he actually eats but I imagine for most people that's reasonable), or your DD will have to do a food shop for him instead.

£400 a month for lodging, utility bills and food is not enough. I would also make sure he is not seeking cash from her as £1k monthly spending money is a lot. You are so generous to him it’s likely she is too.

Take her shopping. Say here’s a trolley, all main meals and food for the family I buy, everything you and the boy consume goes in there and you buy. Tell her you have x to spend on food FOR THE FAMILY and when it’s gone, that’s it. This might help her understand finances and independence too.
I was going to be a lot more lax, but see she can travel to see friends and is planning to travel independently. Budgeting skills will be very helpful for her. Also to recognise that men that assume that they will be fed for free are pretty unattractive, even as friends.

Am I right in thinking your daughter gets approx £1400 in benefits each month?

How on earth does this work? Does he just help himself and make meals? How did this even start? I can't fathom how someone could be in my home just casually helping themselves and me not saying "Daniel, no the sausages are for a meal, please put them back in the fridge. You cannot just help yourself to food".

Even my two young children know to ask if we are at a relatives house, not to just help themselves (and even then they whisper to me they are hungry and I tell them to ssshh we are going soon!),

Tine for the pair of them to get a flat together. Extended sleepovers are for kids or adults with their own place.

It's nice that your daughter has a friend that comes to visit but it shouldn't be at your expense! And why does he need to stay for 3-5 days at a time? He only lives an hour away!
I'd sit down and work out how much extra he's costing you and have a frank and honest conversation with the pair of them.

He’s got more front than Sainsburys

Why doesn’t he cough up some money?

I would sit them both down and explain the situation. Tell them you're happy for him to be there but he needs to contribute a bit more towards bills etc!

I just couldn’t have this - somebody staying in my house and eating my food and not contributing. You are being taken andvantage of. Even if I had loads of money I wouldn’t allow this sort of behaviour.

1k a month disposable income on benefits is a huge amount and she needs to learn that it doesn't grow on trees. Tell her that you love having her friend to stay but you can't afford the food so she needs to pay another 100 or 200 a month towards the household and ask him to pay her something for nights he stays.

OP it’s not only what she actually costs you, that you should be considering.

Surely at 20, your DD needs to learn about all the different components of living costs. For her to give you only £100 when she keeps 1k a month is teaching her nothing but entitlement and keeping her in the dark about the real world out there. You are doing her a disservice I’m afraid.

I would increase the amount she gives ….double it at least, as a starter. And insist she saves at least half of the remainder.

I think it’s not good at all that you are struggling to buy food when this situation continues and your DD is oblivious to that struggle.

Use this golden opportunity to teach her, and her friend, that food, electricity, water and lodging isn’t free. Talk to them both and show them your shopping receipts and your utility bills and your council tax, car expenses, rent or mortgage bills.
Tell them you are flat broke and can not buy any more food this week and ask how they could help. Let them think about, and plan how they would manage if they had to pay their way. In fact, they surely should be paying their way entirely now. Isn’t that what your DD’s benefits are for ?

There is absolutely no shame in giving them this very important life lesson OP.
I hope you can sort out a much better arrangement now.

Is the friend working?

I’d sit them down. Say you like having him around but money is very tight so it’s caused you to have to go without. If he wants to stay, either he or your daughter will have to give you extra money so you can buy enough food for everyone. Tell them exactly how much extra you’ll need. How they split it between them is then up to them.