To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

Just to quote myself and elaborate…
Of course, if she was living independently and couldn’t work she would need this amount and sadly wouldn’t have much fun money left over (not many of us do). But for a 20 year old living at home it seems a crazy amount!

Why isn't she doing any household chores?

Hang on. You daughter has £1000 per month to spend on what she likes. Having given you £400pm rent.

She does no food shopping, cooking cleaning or helping around the house at all.
She claims lots of money on benefits and doesn’t work.
But she’s independent enough to book and go a holiday with her friends.
The boy stays for 5 days and eats everything. So he doesn’t work either?

Sounds like she needs to get a job. And so does he.

Totally taking the piss.

Honestly as nice a person as your daughter may be, this poster has it spot on, it’s not a practically sustainable situation!

She’s getting £1400 per month in benefits? After deductions I don’t get much more than that working. Wow

Will she ever live independently?

If so you aren't doing her any favours by letting her think that she will have £1k a month disposable income. No ability to budget, no awareness of real life costs and expenses.

She is a young 20. Now is the perfect time to teach her how to budget.

Her benefit money is supposed to pay her bills. Not fund £1k a month spending money.

I'm wondering if there's a similar situation brewing here as @Trainersbythetruckload says "He’s been 3 times for a few days in the last couple of weeks, but then we might not see him for another two or three weeks."

Costs have gone up and she’s having a friend over with hollow legs so of course you can ask for more of a contribution.

She may still be unable to work and support herself......but that doesn't mean she's entitled to or needs the maximum support available.

I know what the rates are because my son is on the highest rate too.....in contrast he still holds my hand by busy roads and he's 22. He is supported 24/7 and will be for the rest of his life. He cannot leave the house alone, he has no friends and needs to be supported to speak to people so they can understand each other.

He is not planning trips abroad and having his mates round for sleepovers.

So she's on the maximum level of health benefits.

You need to sit down with her and explain what her money is for. ( ignore the friend and food point for the moment, she needs to understand what her money is for and what it should pay for).

About half, the UC is to cover living costs, bills, food, travel and day to day costs. Sit down and work out exactly what her costs are, share of council tax, energy, food etc and then she gets what is left for extras. Will probably only be a token amount a week

Then the PIP is to cover the extra costs of her disability. Again, sit down with her and work out what they are. Does she need travel assistance, so can only get taxis and not public transport. Or therapy and extra treatment. Or can she not cook so needs to pay for ready meals, or she can't physically clean so needs to pay for a cleaner. Or she gets cold and needs the heating on more. The PIP is to pay for the extra costs of disability. It is not just general fun money.

She really needs to understand what her money is for.

And if she isn't capable of understanding then you need to take responsibility for the budgeting and not her.

I have no opinion on the fraud thing as I dont know the full circumstances but I agree with this- if she's on highest level of PIP and UC, then how is she able to go abroad with friends on her own?

this ^
she is planning on travelling abroad but can’t work?

I have no opinion on the fraud thing as I dont know the full circumstances but I agree with this- if she's on highest level of PIP and UC, then how is she able to go abroad with friends on her own?

Unless she’s always going to live subsidised by you, the £1000 pcm play money seems unsustainable. I agree that he should be contributing to food, he’s round too much to be treated like a guest.

Ask your daughter for more money, £1000 a month fun money is much much more than most people have!

You said yourself adulting is a mystery to her but you're not giving her a chance to 'adult'.

Come up with a plan where she pays half of everything,she can't piss £1000 up the wall each month while you feed house and keep her warm

I agree.

My mum used to foster older teenagers through a charity and they would get a similar amount of 'pocket money' paid directly to them between sixteen and nineteen.

They would be able to buy clothes, make up, days out - all sorts of stuff. Then when they were eighteen it all stopped. They had had two years of spending loads of money on whatever they wanted and then all of a sudden they had no money at all. They had no idea that you couldn't just spend £500 on DJ decks because you had to eat.

As an aside she's currently on £1400 a month which is the highest pip and UC available for the most severely disabled. This level is for people who can't leave the house alone, or prepare a meal, they need support or prompting to shower etc......yet your dd is planning trips abroad with friends.

It sounds like she's not on the correct rate and this can land you both in serious hot water if she gets found out. I really would ask for a reassessment. Basically it's fraud.

If your DD is young for her age she'll just be happy to see him with no thought to how much it costs you. I'd address it with the friend, he's got too comfortable and using you as a second home now, something you should have addressed long ago. Tell him you can't afford to let him stay so much unless he chips in. Your DD may offer more money but she shouldn't be paying for him any more than you should. He's an adult, he needs to pay his way

I agree with @LAMPS1 and I think that you are doing her a disservice by allowing her to be oblivious to how much things cost and doing all of the running of the household stuff.

Spending your days with friends, buying clothes and art supplies whilst your mother washes your pants and literally goes hungry is not a realistic life. You are protecting her too much from what ordinary life is like.

Your dd doesn't need £1000 a month to herself......if she wants him there and him being around helps her mentally I'd increase her contribution by £50 pw.......no way would I be going without to fund someone else.

Why doesn’t she work?

What is she going to do when you’re not around?

OP the purpose of her benefits are because she is unable to work and therefore needs money to live on. Of course I wouldnt begrudge her some luxuries, but £1k of disposable income on non-living costs just isn't in the spirit of this and much more than many people on good salaries have. She also only has this money left over because the majority of her living costs are paid for by you! If she moved out she would have no disposable income on that amount.

Please stop feeling guilty. To put this in context I'm actually always on the side of charging adult children absolute minimum rent to allow them to save, but your situation just isn't like that and even I think you need to explain the situation to her and up her rent.

Obviously the friend is cheeky although to be honest I'm not sure how I would manage that part. Certainly some blunt comments but not sure how far I would go. He is effectively using you for food...and now he'll be using your daughter...although I really don't mean that their relationship isnt genuine...but it's a very difficult situation.

If your daughter' was in assisted living or her own flat all that 1k would be gone on bills
Your being ridiculous only charging her 100 a week
She should be paying her fair share of bills rent and food ,that's what the money is given to her for
Come up with a plan where she pays half of everything,she can't piss £1000 up the wall each month while you feed house and keep her warm
Your a mug allowing that
And tell the greedy fucker boyfriend to buy his own food ,

Does he have his own money? I'd talk to your daughter and explain you'd like £x for each day he stays to cover food for him ( you can work out what that is). It's not unreasonable at all given your circumstances. She might be young for her age but surely not too young to understand that 3 people eat more than two. Or ideally speak to them both. Then they can decide who pays the extra.

It sounds to me like you are afraid of upsetting your daughter, but she could actually afford to pay the extra herself and still have plenty of money for her plans. She needs to understand how the real world works.

He is behaving appallingly and is old enough to know better.

But if it's the only reason you mind him being there, and he makes your daughter happy, you should introduce a system of a minimum contribution per day for food and in chores. If he likes to cook it could benefit you in some ways.

Or, rejig your daughter's contribution to not include food, give her one of the cupboards and a shelf in the fridge, and tell her whatever they eat has to come from that.