To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

Are you 100% sure they aren't sleeping together? Especially if he's staying for 5 days at a time.

That's what I was thinking. My commute is an hour each way. I still go home.

Are you doing his washing too when he pitches up empty handed for 5 days at a time?

Your dd gets 1k a month so use more of that to pay for ‘extras’ for this lad. If she doesn’t go out much etc then she probably has a fair amount of spare cash.
Obviously you’ll need to speak to her properly about this and say if her friend continues to stay you will need more of a contribution- and you don’t even mention money for more showers etc.

But the OP is still struggling so it’s not enough, £1000 disposable income is a massive amount, 2.5 times more than mine! The OP’s daughter will still have a decent amount left over but it will help the OP out, it makes no sense for OP to struggle on unnecessarily

Don’t be so bloody wet!
Tell both of them that you can’t afford to feed him, and he’s to bring his own food. It really is that easy.

Your daughter has £1000 a month to spend on whatever she likes?

She pays you back for the food he eats when he visits.

If he eats your food tell him straight that you don't have enough food or money to feed and support another person and can he bring his own food or order takeaway.

It would be a shame to isolate your daughter from her only friend though.

How much is Agustus Gloop eating?
As previous pp said is she giving him any money?
He must think your house is like supermarket sweep

An hour on a bus is really not an excuse to spend 5 days somewhere, it’s not like it’s a long haul flight 😂 It takes an hour on the bus to get to our nearest city which is less than 20 miles away!

Your dd doesn’t sound that lovely. She’s getting £1400 a month and going on train journeys and holidays but can’t get a job? Even a part-time one? And lets her friend come and eat all your food. She sounds like a walkover with her friend, I bet she’s giving him money too. And she sounds quite naive about the real world. You sound lovely but you’re enabling her and it won’t do her any favours in the long term. She’s 20, not 12.

The more I think about this, the more the friend and food is a red herring.

You really need to sit down with her and make plans for the future. Is the intention she will live with you forever? Or could she possibly manage in assisted living?

If she's planning on going on holiday is her friend going to be her carer etc. And is she paying for her, and do both of them understand what that means.

Maybe use this incident as a reset. So she is now an adult and needs to as far as possible be treated as one. But there needs to be a long term plan.

And the same for her friend. Does he work? Or does he also have disabilities?

Both of them need to understand that the current set up isn't sustainable

Exactly.

You're really not helping your daughter at all.

How will she survive without you ?

I agree it’s not sustainable but to be clear The daughter is paying 400 pcm.

Quite frankly it's ridiculous that she has 1k a month to spend without working and you are struggling. It needs to be reversed.

My friend did this too, she was a smart and ambitious graduate but she had a series of knocks with terrible abusive partners which led to losing her job, struggling to get another one, homelessness, mixing with the wrong people in hostels, and she didn’t have family support etc .

She did try to sort herself out but aside from lack of family support, it was just a struggle for her as a single woman with no kids in terms of getting support with housing etc , so she got signed off on disability long term due to all the stress.

Got her own flat provided and disability benefit which meant she was able to save it up and go on holiday twice a year. While I was working full time, living in a houseshare and scraping by to get one holiday every year. Not in touch with her anymore so no idea if she ever went back to work.

I feel there should be more support available to people wanting to work and live a decent life rather than feeling as if they just having to completely step out of the workforce and go on benefits .

It’s not helpful to the taxpayer or themselves in the long run. A lot of wasted potential.

I'd ask your daughter to pay an extra £100 every time he comes, to cover the food bill. She has the money, and it is her guest. Explain that you need it for extra food when he's here. Nothing wrong with that. Just charge her extra.

He likes cooking (a bit too much 😐)

Are you saying he just helps himself?
It sounds like this friend could be exploiting your dd. Are you certain she doesn’t give him cash or buy him things? You need to help your dd become independent by teaching her to do her own laundry and some household chores.

I think I need to sit down and work out exactly how much I’m spending on everything, I haven’t done that for a while.
Don’t forget as well as food to add in costs of power for charging his phone, water/power for taking a shower, washing his bedding etc. Even things like extra loo roll add up over a year! If he’s staying several nights every week he will really be costing you a lot in addition to the food bills.

Yes I think so. OP said 400 to her then she has 1000 left over. I had less than that when I was 22 straight out of uni and working full time.

@Trainersbythetruckload first sit down and look at how much extra he is costing you in food (you can add other utilities too if you notice an increase when he is around).

Then you have two options. You either increase the money your daughter pays you by let's say £25 a week , and when he's not there you just save it for when he is.

Or , on the day he arrives you send them both to the shops to do a food shop for whatever they need that they pay for.

You sound lovely OP. But it is also a good moment to start educating DD on how life works. There's a finite amount of money and it only goes so far.
So sit down with her and be honest. Most children can understand the concept of money and food and sharing etc. So I think her mental age should be able to cope with a clear explanation. You have only got £x coming in, that a shop costs £y and there's no extra to pay for friends staying. That ypu are more than happy for this friend to stay and he's great company but the extra cost has to be paid for by either her or him. That you're happy to drive them to a supermarket and they can buy what they want when he comes or she can give you his contribution when he leaves.

Yanbu. If it’s just the food bill that’s the issue it’s a case of simply saying “daughter it’s costing me an extra eg £200 per month for your friend to be here all the time and I can’t afford all that extra food. I’m happy for him to be here but I’m going to need you to contribute the extra cost.

As this poster said, your daughter needs to pay more as the money is given for living, and if you need that to help ease your costs, you need to speak to her.

I am not sure what the future is for your daughter and if she is planning to live alone at some point, but you need to help prepare her as she won't always have this disposable income.

As said, you can always open a separate account and save some for emergencies, or if not needed, to hand back to her at some point when she would need it.

Good post @Dishwashersaurous

Why isn't she doing any household chores?

This too. Fair enough, she may not be able to work but surely she can help a bit around the house if she can go abroad with her friend? How on earth is she going to cope when abroad if she cant even put something in the washing machine?