To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

That’s such a lovely thing to do 🥹

Yes. Whatever is said/ thought. Baby to look after in future I’d guess.

Well as I said - it’s not sustainable (and I also said in various posts upthread it’s not enough under the circumstances),

Just to clarify - I was just correcting the inaccurate statement that she pays 100 per month when it’s 400 pcm . That’s all!

This is so true @Testina .

I've got a child in my class whose family are in absolute dire straits as well as many who are living in poverty. I'm always letting them in the water tray with no apron so they get wet and we can send home a bigger uniform from our supplies. And we do things like leave our fruit bowl outside at home time.

Why don't you just sit them both down and explain your situation to them...tell him he is very welcome but financially you can't afford to subsidise his food.

Right, then you need to spell it out clearly to him that food doesn’t just magically appear in the fridge and cupboards, and that you can’t afford to keep feeding him like this. TBH, he doesn’t sound a great friend for your DD anyway.

However, there are two separate things going on - your DD’s lack of financial understanding and contribution; and this sponger friend taking advantage of you and your DD, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

Your DD shouldn’t have £1k a month to piss up the wall on art supplies and trivia. Charge her more for rent. I’d also question why she’s getting so much money if she’s able to plan a holiday abroad with a friend. Is she actually unable to function as an adult or has she got used to being indulged? I ask because a friend has a DD who’s slightly older than yours who apparently can’t work, but her reasons for not being able to work are facile and commonplace. Don’t enable your DD to be a passive victim. Can she not rent a room? Go to college herself? Volunteer?

I will never understand the benefit system.

The papers are full of genuine stories of people turning to food banks where the benefit system is a disgrace - substandard dangerous housing and not enough money to feed your children.

Then you get a 20yo living at home being given £1400 a month pocket money by the taxpayer / state, to save towards a foreign holiday.

I did wonder if he was also on the spectrum. Op I get it as a sen parent myself you want her to have a friend but he is taking the mick surely he must get money himself?

@Trainersbythetruckload Is he going into the fridge and food cupboard and just helping himself??? i would be getting a couple of locks on the fridge and cupboard doors and the food is only available when everyone eats, so no treats like crisps or juice etc!! where does he sleep when he stays over??

I would be concerned for your daughter, and that she is being used. You say she is young for her age, and has a lot of disposable income. This man comes to your house and lives free of charge for days at a time.

Does he have a job? If he is from a large family and of a similar age, does he not want to live independently? Could he do so, or does he need support? If so, are you really helping him by letting him stay with you, or is it masking his support needs - this can’t continue indefinitely. Is he coming to you because he is running out of money?

What would happen if your daughter decided she didn’t want him to stay any more, or wanted him to leave early? Does she know how long he plans to stay each time? Would she have the confidence to say to him that she wants him to leave?

What about her privacy? Where does he sleep? You say they are just friends, is there any concern around her understanding of consent?

I feel the priority here needs to be conversations around boundaries, equal relationships (including friendships), and independence.

I also agree. Benefits are for living expenses and yes, I dont begrudge anyone a few luxuries - it makes life bearable, but if she can get trains, shop and go on holiday independently then its frankly, ridiculous she's got 1k a month to spend on clothes, art supplies and holidays abroad and never helps out at all around the house.

I think you are also infantilising her which you will probably say is out of love but it's not- you are creating a completely unrealistic view of what real life is like and its fostering an unhealthy dependence. She is going to get a huge shock when/if you arent there to do everything for her.

This is ridculous.

A 20 yr old living at home, not working with €1000 a month fun money for art supplies and holidays???

The friend is a user and your daughter is taking advantage. Grow a spine and use your voice to sort this disaster of a situatoin out asap. You have enabled this sponging behaviour.

I don’t understand this at all, why are you being so passive? You’re meant to be her parent, setting her up to face the world, but you don’t even have her do her own washing at 20 years old? That’s madness to me. She’s clearly perfectly capable if she’s saving to go abroad with friends. On top of that you’re letting her friend take the absolute piss. Tell him to stop helping himself to your food in your house, that you can’t afford to feed him too. He’s being incredibly rude. If your daughter wants to feed him, she can pay for it.

To be honest I don't see why your DD should pay to feed him either.

I would sit them down together, explain that while you enjoy his visits and are quite happy for them to continue you simply cannot afford to carry on paying and that they need to contribute more to the extra costs of what he eats.

Sounds like they both need a bit of a wake up call about real life, males especially are very good at taking things for granted, but usually they don't mind if you spell things out clearly.

£100 a week does not cover what it costs to house an adult. And it’s her friend who is using everything up.

You have a voice. Open your mouth and use it. Double what you charge her. Take her shopping with you, show her the meal
plan and then the cost at the end. Explain this goes up when her friend comes round and you cannot afford it. Make a new rule that when he comes over, they shop for themselves, and enforce it.

You’re the parent. Act like it. Even with additional need, you do have to teach this stuff. If she is capable of going on holiday with friends then she is capable of this.

Can you buy food he doesn't like, and hide snacks?

Or suggest he includes you/portions for you in the cooked meals?

It’s tricky because I don’t want him to feel unwelcome but equally I literally can’t afford to feed an extra person so much, especially when they eat as much as he does!

So you say "You are very welcome here but I literally can't afford to feed an extra person so if you come over can you bring over your own food or sort out the shopping"

It's not difficult

Tell your daughter she has to do her own food shop for her friend coming to stay. Job done. She can do it online if she can’t face going out.

There are so many posts on here that could be solved with a really simple conversation. It blows my mind.

I agree with this. I think you need to help your dd put some boundaries in place as well. Some people will take advantage if they know someone has disposable income. While he is a 'guest', he's also taking the piss and they should be contributing equally to the cost of the food they're eating. If his visits drop off when he realises he's not being fed for free, support your dd to understand the signs of people taking advantage.

He is using you and your dd to get fed. I think you need to wake up and see this is not a particularly healthy friendship really. He is turning up, eating all your food and then leaving when it’s all gone. Start standing up and saying no, or tell him he will be asked to contribute if he stays overnight. I’ll bet he doesn’t visit half as often or stays half as long.

OP, things seem rather skewered here. You aren't doing her any favours as she sounds fairly capable if she can take trains, go clothes shopping, plan trips abroad, host her guest for up to 5 days at a time.

I am not entirely sure the benefits system really does benefit your dd in the long term if she is effectively paid to remain infantalised.

Her benefits aren't for frittering away, they are for living costs and the extra costs of being disabled. Does she have carers? Does she need help washing, dressing etc? Does she need taxis and one on one support every time she leaves the house? If not, she's taking the piss. No wonder hard working people get annoyed sometimes when we hear about these sorts of benefits stories.

So you say to her when her friend is here she needs to put an extra £50 or £100 per week towards food shopping

This, if she can plan a holiday and go on trains to places. Then surely she could at least try a part time job.