To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

Why on earth has a guest got free reign of your kitchen??

I'd sit them both down and explain that you don't have an issue with him staying but as he's effectively living there part time, you're going to need him to contribute toward the food bills and how does £75 a week cost.

He'll either pay up, stop coming, or stop eating!!

I used to get the bus to school when I was 11 which was an hour each way , didn't mean I had to stay there 5 days!

Your daughter needs to contribute more when he stays.

Presumably she's been receiving all the cost of living payments too. Has she given any to you?
As an aside I am always amazed by how much income my daughter (disabled, in supported living) receives in benefits. I do think there's disparity in benefit income for people who have to run a home and those who live with family or in supported living!
But the difference is you could ask her to give you more contribution. My daughter pays a set amount towards bills, UC pays her rent, and the rest is hers!

I was about to say, £1000 pm disposable is LOADS at 20!

Is she paying into a pension? Savings? Using it to work on her life skills so she isn't reliant on you when you are older and potentially needing care yourself?

Sounds as though she doesn't even come shopping with you or share in the preparation of food. How is this helping her?

Get over yourself. I'm astonished that someone with 1K to play with a month actually had the gall to accept free flights from "well off" people

It’s £400 pcm not £100 pcm

What nonsense is this?!
Why would it be her paying?
You are infuriatingly passive about this!

It's really a good example that your daughter has too much disposable income and either has not learned to manage money or is not capable of doing so that she would go to the supermarket and hand over money to pay for a friends food for a week.

Surely you can see that it isn't a usual thing to do for one young adult to consistently pay for a friends food. Do you know anyone else who does this?

What’s her long term plan, are there collage courses she can attend for life skills?

@ClubbingClobber that’s not how I read that poster’s comment at all. It didn’t sound like an issue with a disabled woman going on holiday. It sounded like a raised eyebrow at someone with £12K a year entirely disposable income accepting a free flight off someone else’s parents.

You have nothing better to do than begrudge a holiday to a disabled housebound young woman? Ghastly.

Bloody hell. I'm almost speechless.

You are struggling and your DD has a spare £1k a month ?

You are NOT teaching her anything at all about how much it costs to live.

I can't even articulate how fucked up your story is

That's true, the other wealthy family probably only offered the free flights because they thought the OPs daughter was skint. 🫤

So your daughter who receives 1400K per month of tax payers cash in pocket money, is also accepting free holiday flights?

I know you can't 'will away' disabilities but by making everything so easy for her then it's not going to help her try to do things for herself. The teen years and early 20's is an age where you have to reset your relationship with your child from mother and child to mother and ADULT child. I understand it's complicated your daughter's disabilities but you aren't doing her any favours by mollycoddling her.

It sounds like you are too nervous to do anything that might rock the boat and that isn't good for anyone.

By the way, if one of my adult kids friends was hanging around like your daughters friend I'd have given them chores to do 😅. I'm not kidding!

What nonsense is this?!
Why would it be her paying?
You are infuriatingly passive about this!

As for her not being capable of shopping.. fair enough if that’s not physically able because of CFS. But if she’s capable of deciding what art supplies she needs and ordering those, then she’s capable of planning food and ordering that online too. It sounds like she could be more independent than you expect from her.

She is asleep. Tell him it’s time to go home. Especially as you don’t have anymore money for food and you said this shop was quite lean so you don’t even have much in the house.

You're a grown woman. It’s your house. Tell him to go home.

I agree with the concerns that she might be used but not fully understanding this.

ASD can often mean not realizing in time that people don't always have only good intentions / are not selfish.

Especially as she is sleeping a lot of the time, that would be the cue for him to go home.
It does not even have to be one or the other situation, he might well be a good friend to her and have a problematic home life, but that does not mean he might be looking out for himself, too.
As she does not go out much, it is probably nice for your daughter that the friend visits her and she does not need to go elsewhere to socialize. She might fear if you curb the food then he won't visit as much.
They can still stay in contact via calls/text/video.

The "test" of whether this is a true friend might come when he is asked to contribute or socialize in a different way. If he is only her friend for the convenient home life at your place, then he wasn't really a friend, then this could be an insight that hurts.

This stands out for me. She has more disposable income than you. She needs to pay more towards her keep - simples. PiP and UC are to cover living expenses; I doubt £100 per week is covering them.

“I want to encourage her to be more independent” but you’re not doing this by doing everything around the house for her (as per your pp) and failing to teach her how much things cost - ie explaining the extra costs of her friend always being at your house and that you can’t afford to carry that cost.

I would suggest a weekly food budget for them and encourage them to Google healthy inexpensive easy to prepare meals.
I might start them off by sending a link to one that I know contains Ingredients they both love. Maybe even give them a quick demonstration personally (great family memories being made).
Make it a fun challenge! Perhaps with a prize for the first effort, you want to set a scene of something enjoyable rather than a restriction. Reframe the whole thing.

Hey, presto… they will be on the way to learning to budget and prepare simple meals. They may need a hand being topped up a little the first weeks, but it takes time to learn things.

Yep
Agree
After your update seeing you'd mentioned this , he basically ignored you.
Stop feeling him - see how often he visits then.
You must not let dd be that desperate for friends.

Coupe of things
Why is he staying ?
Hour or not.
He comes vists then goes home
You also Don't feed him if your budget is tight.
Maybe he's unhappy at home because his mum had reduced his food intake so comes and eats your food instead
Seems rude abd entitled in a lot of respects.
It's your food
Your home
He's a guest.
A bad one
Tell him to keep his mits off

I would ask his him to ask his parents for a contribution, whether they were using to feed him the days he’s with you can be given to you, and your daughter can cover the rest.

I would be extremely wary of teaching her to “buy” friends.

I would be just as conscientious about teaching her the value of helping those less fortunate and feeding the hungry.

You sound like a lovely mum!

Agreed OP, it is awful that you have to worry and struggle like this unnecessarily. Let your DD know that next time the friend stays you will be taking them to do a shop so friend can provide their own food.You will need to oversee that DD is not paying for the friends share. It will help your DD to be more independent, plan and shop for meals and to be more aware of managing her money.

I've read all your posts and I'm slightly concerned that your DD is being taken advantage of. Now, I may well be wrong, and her friend may actually be just as vulnerable as her...but that doesn't mean he can't also be a bit of a wrong 'un. If she's asleep all the time, what the feck is he DOING? Sitting admiring the Sleeping Beauty? Do you check her devices regularly? I know she is legally an adult, but she is very vulnerable and I think it would be wise to know who she is talking to online and what she is talking about. Two very vulnerable young people, with a decent income and limited street smarts, are at risk of exploitation in multiple ways.

I would start by saying to DD that she needs to up her financial contribution by at least 50% as of now. You can also drive them to the supermarket to do their own little shop, which will be a supported introduction to shopping and cooking for DD.