To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

Agreed. My friend has the same journey to see me and doesn't need to stay

1,400 was my take-home pay in the first job I had in London. It's actually crazy.

Agree. It would still be a sweet deal for her, especially if you do her washing, etc.

If you suspect her friend is also ND they genuinely may not have realised they should be contributing something/bringing their own. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt (for now) and have an honest conversation with them.

"We like having you visit but with cost of living I'm struggling to afford food, electric etc. if you want to keep visiting regularly I'll need you to contribute X amount per night or I can't afford it".

If they are fine with this it's all good, if not you will know they are just a scrounger!

@Northiek you need to put your own question.

Follow this link and then click on the blue start new thread icon at the top.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters

Yeah sorry but I do have to agree with this! OP you do need to take control here it’s really not on.

I am pregnant unplanned. I am very stressed about this. My husband live in Ukfor long time but my visa will finish. I don’t know what I will do this baby alone. I am feeling I m week. Please help me give advise

Yea it's completely ridiculous. Op does need to nip it in the bud though, she does have control over that.

This country is absolutely wild. Someone is being given £1400 a MONTH to sit on their backside ordering art supplies, gaming and looking at foreign holidays. Meanwhile her own mother is panicking whether she can afford the next food shop and there’s young families out there working full time , paying tax who can barely afford to save £1 a month?!?
It’s actual insanity.

As a comparable example, as a young adult, I used my DLA (as it was then) for things like a wheelchair and/or wheelchair accessible taxis. I didn't pocket the money to fritter on clothes whilst expecting my mum to drive me around

And she bloody wouldn't have! My mum supported me by sitting with me whilst I contacted local taxi companies to ask about accessibility, she helped me work out how a trip would cost xxx and if I needed someone to go with me, she would always be there if she could. But she helped me to start my life as an independent adult.

If your DD is reliably and repeatedly unable to perform the criteria skills for PIP, the PIP should be used to support her outsource it.

I am not saying she should live like a Spartan monk with no treats at all, I'm using my PIP to get a chippy tonight! I can't physically cook. I don't use my PIP for a takeaway every night though, I have frozen stuff available and/or pay for a carer if needed.

Whilst I agree some people can be deeply unpleasant towards those who claim benefits. I think that while you feel reminded of that, some are reminded of how distorted the benefit system can be.

I for one wouldn't begrudge OP or her daughter the help they need and deserve. I think what is being questioned is a household not working where there is generous enough financial help, but one half is struggling while the other half has it easy and brings mates along for the ride.

OP, talk to them both. I think you also need to step up and make your dd understand her money isn't free money. I know its sensitive but she sounds like she is more clued up than you give her credit for. Long term this isn't beneficial to her to carry on just taking the money and letting her spend it like she is 10 with pocket money.

*"mentally a lot younger than her real age, so adulting is a mystery to her and she just wouldn’t realise how much things cost.

I do all the laundry, she doesn’t really do anything around the house"*

Bloody hell @Trainersbythetruckload you are not doing her any favours by not supporting her to acquire basic life skills. She is twenty years old and you're only just now tentatively suggesting

"Maybe I could suggest driving them to the shops when he turns up so they can plan some meals and buy what they need."

And this is now only prompted by the fact you now can't afford to feed her and her so called mate (who is absolutely taking advantage of you both)

If she is genuinely not capable of basic tasks like laundry, shopping (online if not in person) and meal planning,her PIP should be going towards the care needs caused by her disabilities eg a carer/cleaner/personal assistant etc. Not on art supplies and holidays whilst you run yourself ragged.

You are doing it all for her. This looks like enabling not support.

It is a Personal Independence Payment. She needs to be supported to gain this independence (I receive it myself, and I spend it accordingly, so I'm hardly benefit bashing! Threads like this where someone fritters a grand a month on clothes and art supplies whilst their mum does absolutely everything for her do not fucking help)

Support her to learn, or if she genuinely can't, support her to use her independence payments to outsource her laundry, not spend it on more clothes.

My daughter is in a similar situation, but I am trying to encourage - and she IS, to get more experience in budgeting and managing, as well as learning to go out and about. She has physical health issues as well as the ASD, so sometimes she physically cannot do things, but I see part of my caring role as educating and pushing her to challenge herself and get as independant as she can be - who knows, maybe some of the help I give wont be needed in the future, which may make my role defunct, but I see that as a bonus.

However she pays a similar amount to your daughter, and for that I tell her that she gets dinner in the evening, as Im cooking for myself and her brother. Breakfast is also available - be that toast, cereals, etc, but thats for her to make. Lunches Im not doing any more - thats up to her to sort - even if its just noodles.
She now does her own laundry. She has a basket in her room and she has been shown how to split delicates (wool or silks or handwashes) and lights and darks. A basic 'mixed items' wash for most, a wool wash for the delicates.
It now tends to get done in a massive bunch when she runs outy of clothes, and there are times Im still going to have to get it out of the machine as she forgets to do that, but its a step on the way, and something that she definately needs to start taking responsibility for herself.

When her boyfriend comes to stay, for maybe stretches of 3-4 days - then they know that snacks, evening meals etc they need to provide. He is a hungry 21 year old man, I cant afford to feed him. Sometimes they will cook for her brother too, and I will just have a snack or some leftovers, but then I may include him in our meal the next day - as long as there is give and take its fair. Sometimes I need to remind her that he ate all the bread, and he is good at going out and getting supplies in. And he buys me chocolate. Good lad.

She has a shelf in the cupboard for 'her' food, and your daughter could do the same - get her to buy simple things - pasta, sauces, noodles, etc. and they also could do a delivery order perhaps too - fresh stuff and essentials for the cupboard would soon get to the minimum spend. Its not reasonable for you to have to feed him. But also its a good start to helping her start to learn some life skills.

If someone can't shop or cook for themselves then how can they manage such a high amount of disposable income- and how is it disposable - isn't she supposed to use that to employ a carer or something?

If she can't manage a budget then she needs a guardian to have control of her money..

Only flamed by those gaming the system
Those on the bones of their arse working won’t flame.

OP you aren't going to be around forever are you.

Your DD needs to learn how to budget, shop, manage household bills.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with BOTH of them. The friend needs to realise that it's not on to scoff loads of your food! I think he knows very well what he's doing and is freeloading. Call him out on it - he stays, he PAYS!

Your DD needs to properly contribute to the household bills.

I think regardless DD should be paying more than £100 a week, I think an extra £50 per week would be reasonable.

If her friend is staying days at a time then next time he arrives you should tell them they need to do a food shop to cover how ever many days he is staying. It’s really not on that he’s helping himself to your food!

It sounds like he might be taking advantage of you/DD? Or perhaps he has ASD himself and isn’t very self aware?

No wonder so many people are after diagnoses if it leads to this level of benefits.
Crazy amount of money.

I agree but you'll be flamed for it

That’s a huge income for not working!
She absolutely needs to pay you far more.
Most workers don’t get a grand a month to spend on themselves .

The DD sleeps 18 hrs a day, so he isn't even spending time with her? Meanwhile this fool has free reign in OP's kitchen to cook?
Are you sure you're not vulnerable yourself OP?!

The wanton ignorance, the unmitigated meanness of some people, never ceases to amaze me.

What a gorgeous bouquet of humane traits.

Thanks for the reminder.

This thread is eye opening on a lot of levels.

OP, sounds like serious boundaries are needed with friend and a review of household finances with DD.

Taking the original point out of the equation, £1400 disposable income is a huge amount and I'm shocked this is available on benefits as it's so different to anything I've heard from those I know.

DH & I work full time, have 2x DC, live sparingly, have no debt other than mortgage and are still in our overdrafts at the end of the month. Saving is out of the question but we are in a better position than people I know, who in FT employment, have to rely on food banks to feed their family and are spiralling into debt. We've cut corners so thin that in bad months it has come down to a choice between us of prioritising heating and eating. Can't imagine having the luxury of a holiday, nice travel (not a work commute) and art supplies.

System is seriously fucked up

I’m echoing pp, you’re being an absolute mug, OP. Her PIP is supposed to pay for her to live, you should not be struggling. You certainly need to talk to her friend, but why take them shopping only for her to pay when he’s the one eating you out of house and home? That’s totally ridiculous. She needs to give you more money, he needs to be told to bring his own food and not use anything of yours bar maybe oil for cooking. If he stays more than a night, he also needs to contribute to bills. Can she not do basic household chores? Can he not?! I’d be cooking and cleaning were I staying at someone’s house.

If you haven’t told your DD you’re struggling she probably doesn’t realise and you’re possibly doing her a disservice by not explaining she could really help you out. It might even make her feel better giving you a bit more money and helping. This could also extend to her doing a few chores. I don’t mean to sound rude but it doesn’t sound like she’s doing much does she not get bored? So you show her how to use the washing machine and hang some clothes on the line- you praise her and tell her how much it helps you and that you appreciate it… hopefully she gets some feeling of pride and you move in to the next thing.

I would be seriously uncomfortable with someone walking round my house helping themselves to my food whilst my daughter is asleep. I think you’re doing it because you don’t want your daughter to loose this friendship and I totally understand that but long term you’re not showing her that this is not a normal situation and her education of boundaries Isn’t being met. Imagine this scenario in 10 years time if she’s moved out and it goes from being annoying to terrifying.

As for the spare £1k… My SIL charges my nephew board. I always thought it was a little on the high side to be honest but she’s recently told me that she secretly saves at least half of it for him for when he’s ready to move out and really needs it otherwise he’d just spend it all on crap because he’s shit with money. Your daughter might really need this money in later life. How is she going to adapt from having a spare £1k in her 20s to having £100 left after rent, bills, carers etc.

sorry OP I think this is a case of you’ve got to be ‘cruel’ to be kind.