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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

259 replies

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 01:53

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 01/06/2024 02:13

he turned up with at least some food for himself, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside.

He's a user.

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to have this out in the open. Otherwise she will repeat this pattern as an adult.

Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:12

I suppose the reason I’m struggling with whether or not it’s ok is that I had quite a privileged childhood and mine and my siblings friends visiting wouldn’t have been an issue at all financially for my parents, but I’m in a very different situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:09

I mean I guess he MUST realise that food costs money and he’s not paying for it 🤷‍♀️. I did say something about it to DD a while
ago and for the next few times he came, he turned up with at least some food for himself, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside.

Takeaway options are pretty non existent here, we live in a very small place and neither of them drive.

It’s tricky because I don’t want him to feel unwelcome but equally I literally can’t afford to feed an extra person so much, especially when they eat as much as he does!

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 01/06/2024 02:07

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

Of course you're not being a bitch OP.

You have to haul on your big girl pants now and firstly talk to your daughter and don't let basically a stranger "take over your house".

He's a cheeky fucker really. Are you going to let him eat you out of your house and home?

liv4321S · 01/06/2024 02:07

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 01:53

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

I wouldn't be very happy about this at all! You're not overthinking and you definitely need to say something.

I would never let my mum struggle whilst I had money in my bank. Out of order.

On the other hand it is nice that she has someone to socialise with as she doesn't get out much.

Only one way to sort it, speak up!

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 01/06/2024 02:01

I’d talk to DD and say if he is going to be there so much she/he needs to give you an extra £50 a week. It’s lovely that she has a good friend but not that you should be feeding constantly

QuickFinish · 01/06/2024 02:00

I'd ask him to stop eating your food. If your daughter has so much money then why can't they order take away or for shopping to be delivered. You are being really silly not saying anything.

There is no need for it to be awkward just say it's costing you too much.

AutumnMistletoe · 01/06/2024 02:00

I totally get the frustration op. Although in a way it's nice that he's so comfortable around you but there needs to be boundaries set. I think it's rude to go and help yourself to food in someone's house.
Does he realise what he's doing? Have to spoken to him about it?
If not it's worth talking to him because he's gotten so comfortable he's basically taking the piss but maybe he doesn't realise he is as no one had mentioned it?

ShillyShallySherbet · 01/06/2024 01:57

Can you ask your daughter to contribute a bit more, just explain what you have said here, that you are struggling financially and you don’t mind her friend coming over but that is costing you extra and you need her to help.

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