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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

259 replies

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 01:53

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/06/2024 05:50

I wouldn’t mind him being there, but I would definitely tell them both to go food shopping every time he stays. No way would I continually feed someone for days on end, that’s really taking the mick. He’s your adult daughter's friend, not yours - she pays if he doesn’t. There is no reason why you shouldn’t tell them you can’t afford it.

FangsForTheMemory · 01/06/2024 05:43

If he leaves when the fridge is empty, he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’d get a lot of pasta and tinned tomatoes in, batch cook sauce and feed him that whenever he turns up. If anyone questions it, say you need to economise.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 01/06/2024 05:26

DontCheetoTheCheetah · 01/06/2024 04:49

Why is your daughter only paying you 100 quid a month? What a piss take.

She's an adult woman with 900 disposable income which is way more than most in this country have. She doesn't sound all that sweet to me. How can you be buying yourself clothes while your mother is broke? That's 25 quid a week she is paying you for a house, bills and food.

I'd be telling your daughter you need 300 quid a montj from her and I'd be asking the boy for 100 quid a month/other option is your daughter pays 400 quid a month. They can sort it out themselves

It’s 100 per week in the op …

Gillbil · 01/06/2024 05:23

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:26

She’s really sweet and thoughtful but mentally a lot younger than her real age, so adulting is a mystery to her and she just wouldn’t realise how much things cost. She spends her money on clothes, art supplies, any travel that she does (train fares) and she is saving for a trip abroad with another friend later in the year. She definitely has a lot more disposable income than I do!

But maybe this could be the bridge to help her start getting a stronger understanding of money. You could have set things included in the £100- 40% for rent, 10% council tax, gas, electricity, insurance etc.
You can put it as increases in electricity/ gas useage from another person means an extra £5 a day or £5 on food. You don't have to use the money you could put it into a easy access saver for her. But it would give you some assurance, create a safety net of sorts for the teo of you and help your DD understand bills or unexpected charges and how to work with it.

DontCheetoTheCheetah · 01/06/2024 04:50

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:41

@B2wasthebetterbanana she’s got a good deal really! I do all the laundry, she doesn’t really do anything around the house, so £100 a week for bills/food/cleaning/laundry is pretty good. But in reality she doesn’t cost me any more than that…when it’s just her. I think I need to sit down and work out exactly how much I’m spending on everything, I haven’t done that for a while.

WTF? You do her laundry and cleaning?

And you think she's a good deal? Deluded

DontCheetoTheCheetah · 01/06/2024 04:49

Why is your daughter only paying you 100 quid a month? What a piss take.

She's an adult woman with 900 disposable income which is way more than most in this country have. She doesn't sound all that sweet to me. How can you be buying yourself clothes while your mother is broke? That's 25 quid a week she is paying you for a house, bills and food.

I'd be telling your daughter you need 300 quid a montj from her and I'd be asking the boy for 100 quid a month/other option is your daughter pays 400 quid a month. They can sort it out themselves

Toddlerteaplease · 01/06/2024 02:48

Get her to start doing things around the house. If you do everything for her, she'll never learn to be independent.

Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:41

@B2wasthebetterbanana she’s got a good deal really! I do all the laundry, she doesn’t really do anything around the house, so £100 a week for bills/food/cleaning/laundry is pretty good. But in reality she doesn’t cost me any more than that…when it’s just her. I think I need to sit down and work out exactly how much I’m spending on everything, I haven’t done that for a while.

OP posts:
Losetowin · 01/06/2024 02:38

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:33

Maybe I could suggest driving them to the shops when he turns up so they can plan some meals and buy what they need. He likes cooking (a bit too much 😐).

I think this is a great idea! My friend had to do that with her long term partner. He doesn’t live with her but spends most nights at her flat and yet wasn’t contributing to food. So she basically said from
now on let’s drive to Asda every Sunday and we’ll get what we need for the week!

Re. Your daughters friend - Poor kid (and yeah I know he’s actually an adult! ) he is showing a lack of consideration and manners for sure, but I wonder if some of it is also comfort eating - which of course doesn’t excuse what he is doing. But his home life doesn’t sound great so I think he sees your home as a place of food. friendship and relative peace.

liv4321S · 01/06/2024 02:36

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:34

@liv4321S yes I think he’s a lot happier here. Which is why I feel like a bit of an arsehole resenting him being here.

You're not an arsehole, we're in a living crisis, everything is very spenny at the moment.

When I was younger my mum made my bf pay towards. If they're using then they contribute that's the way of the world, you don't usually get owt for nowt.

Don't put yourself down or feel bad. X

Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:34

@liv4321S yes I think he’s a lot happier here. Which is why I feel like a bit of an arsehole resenting him being here.

OP posts:
B2wasthebetterbanana · 01/06/2024 02:33

I’m not in the UK so am unsure if 100 a week is a ‘fair’ amount to pay.
To me it doesn’t seem like a lot. She is paying roughly 15 a night for room, bills, food, washing, cleaning, gardening, etc. all the expenses that an adult takes on. That seems like an amazing deal and not something she could find elsewhere.

I would have a chat to DD and tell her that the cost of living has risen and therefore her weekly rate also has to increase and is now 150. I would also tell her that whilst you like the friend, and you’re happy she has a good friend who visits - it is expensive and therefore guests are to be limited to no more than two nights a week and she (Or he) will have to pay 20 a night for him to stay.

It seems like your place is a convenient crash pad for this friend.

Also, DD may be ‘younger’ than her age in manner, this doesn’t mean that you need to enable her or you to be taken advantage of. Treat this as a learning opportunity for her.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 01/06/2024 02:33

Sounds like he eats the equivalent of what both you AND your daughter eat, so to feed him you would need to double your food shop at the very least.

Not knowing what you buy for your own meals, could you buy/pre prepare some cheap and filling meals and have them in the freezer for his visits? You can get your daughter to help you choose and make them.

So some frozen bolognese sauce ready to go on some pasta, some tins of tuna and sweetcorn to use as baked potato toppings, some pita bread that they can use to make some homemade pizzas (you can freeze ham bits, they sell offcuts a bit cheaper, and grated cheese can also be frozen), a few loaves of frozen bread so they just make some sandwiches, some cheap sausages and hot dog rolls, etc.

It does rely on you having freezer space though which you might not have.

Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:33

Maybe I could suggest driving them to the shops when he turns up so they can plan some meals and buy what they need. He likes cooking (a bit too much 😐).

OP posts:
liv4321S · 01/06/2024 02:32

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:29

@liv4321S he is from a very large family and I don’t think his parents are exactly neglectful, but they have a LOT of kids, not much space, not much money and his mum sounds a bit away with the fairies. I don’t think he gets on very well with his dad.

Bless him, maybe that's why he comes round so much

Losetowin · 01/06/2024 02:30

OK well it’s likely she will be incentivised to cut down on how often he stays, if she has to pay more to have him continue to stay so often, since she’s saving for a holiday! Right now the issue is it’s not hurting her pocket.

Or if she does choose to pay more It will be good for her to find out the value of everyday things as well such as grocery shopping.

Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:29

@liv4321S he is from a very large family and I don’t think his parents are exactly neglectful, but they have a LOT of kids, not much space, not much money and his mum sounds a bit away with the fairies. I don’t think he gets on very well with his dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:26

She’s really sweet and thoughtful but mentally a lot younger than her real age, so adulting is a mystery to her and she just wouldn’t realise how much things cost. She spends her money on clothes, art supplies, any travel that she does (train fares) and she is saving for a trip abroad with another friend later in the year. She definitely has a lot more disposable income than I do!

OP posts:
Losetowin · 01/06/2024 02:26

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:22

Just seen your edit, that might be a fair way to do it, say that if he’s staying more than 2 nights a week then I’ll have to ask for more towards the bills.

I’ve deliberately had to put off doing a shop in the past and the fridge will be completely empty because otherwise he will just stay longer!

Yes exactly, give her the choice of how she plays it. Either he stays less or she pays more. She decides.

The amount of time he’s staying at your house is more than an ordinary guest.

liv4321S · 01/06/2024 02:23

Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:22

Just seen your edit, that might be a fair way to do it, say that if he’s staying more than 2 nights a week then I’ll have to ask for more towards the bills.

I’ve deliberately had to put off doing a shop in the past and the fridge will be completely empty because otherwise he will just stay longer!

What is his background like? Is his family neglectful? I don't get it. I would feel so rude

Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:22

Just seen your edit, that might be a fair way to do it, say that if he’s staying more than 2 nights a week then I’ll have to ask for more towards the bills.

I’ve deliberately had to put off doing a shop in the past and the fridge will be completely empty because otherwise he will just stay longer!

OP posts:
Losetowin · 01/06/2024 02:20

It’s tricky because I don’t want him to feel unwelcome but equally I literally can’t afford to feed an extra person so much, especially when they eat as much as he does!

Tell her this. I’m sure she won’t want to see her mum struggle while she sits on £1000 . You say she doesn’t really go out much, does she shop a lot? I’m just wondering where her money is going?

Hopefully she will then either pay for food out of her own pocket or insist he brings his own consistently. If she does neither of those things, again -time for a chat because she’d be very inconsiderate to just shrug her shoulders.

Original poster
Trainersbythetruckload · 01/06/2024 02:19

@Losetowin the money she gets is her money, she’s an adult. £100 a week is a fair amount I think towards her living costs, so I don’t think I’d be reasonable to ask her for any more than that. But if her friend is here then no the amount she gives me doesn’t cover that. It would be hard to know how much extra to ask her for though as it’s very random as to when the friend is here. He’s been 3 times for a few days in the last couple of weeks, but then we might not see him for another two or three weeks.

OP posts:
liv4321S · 01/06/2024 02:14

MariaLuna · 01/06/2024 02:13

he turned up with at least some food for himself, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside.

He's a user.

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to have this out in the open. Otherwise she will repeat this pattern as an adult.

Totally agree with you

Losetowin · 01/06/2024 02:13

Do the local supermarkets do deliveries to your street? Maybe ask your daughter to order her own food shopping from now.

What does she need £1000 for? This isn’t just about the boy it’s about your daughter, I appreciate she’s Nd and it may not have occurred to her but this is where it’s helpful if you speak up and be direct with her.

And also just limit his overnight stays to say one or two nights per week and have limits to what time he can stay. He is practically semi-living with you at the moment. Have an honest chat with your daughter

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