Annoyed with partner *shock horror*

There is nothing inherently wrong. We don't argue

There is something inherently wrong. He won't spend any time with you unless you arrange it. That can't be all the time he's not at work, you'd be exhausted. And why will he only do something if you have a definite plan? Most couples would watch some TV together or do a bit in the garden or go shopping for a bit. It shouldn't have to be A Plan.

And the only reasons you don't argue are that (a) you hardly spend any time together and (b) so far you haven't gone ballistic about how selfish he's being. You've rolled over and accepted it.

It's time to change the status quo OP, whatever that looks like to you.

Leave him. Life is too short

I wouldn't like this . It's such a isolating hobby (unless you both do it)

And the lack of motivation is off putting too.

My dh was 23 when we met. He liked socialising with his friends, cinema, , squash, gym, documentaries, travel, walking.

Well his sedentary unhealthy life is doing more harm. I get if you're depressed then you lack motivation but he does need to try and help himself too.

You can't fix him and you deserve to be happy in this one precious life you have.
Just as he does.

Gaming in and of itself isn't an issue...

Gaming and investing all your spare energy into it, and thus neglecting real life, so that real life becomes pretty miserable and crap, and then the escape into the game world is ever more appealing...

That is a huge problem.

It appears he can't put real life first - it wouldn't matter what the hobby was, the less he invests in real life, the more crap real life will be, the more attractive the escapism will be.

You get out what you put in (to a certain extent) - I think I'd make it clear to him, you're not willing to accept him not pulling his weight, you won't be taking up his slack and you won't be hanging around waiting for him to remember you're there!

Do what you need to do, your share, and no more. Tell him your plans with reasonable notice, and then go and do them, whether he is ready, coming with, or not.

I think the relationship is over, as you are very different people. What you choose to do now is up to you..

I am also a gamer but he is taking it to extremes and I would say that about any hobby. It is safe and comfortable to him so he is just coasting along. It also sounds like he isn't very proactive which is the real issue as he will do stuff when you arrange it.

Personally I would be saying that I want him to arrange stuff for us on x number of weekends and surprise me. Talk about your expectations with him and tell him things have to change. He will still have lots of time to game, but you want time together.

If he doesn't do this then reassess as resentment will keep growing.

Sounds like you’ve come to the end of the road. You’re living separate lives anyway, I don’t see the point of trying to carry on a non-relationship like this. Having separate hobbies is all well and good, but you seem to do nothing together which is boring for you.

I agree with the above posters. Life is so short. Maybe try by starting to do all the things you want to do anyway, leave him at home, and gradually you will build confidence? This might help you with a decision either way.

Also, would you resent him if you suddenly had to become his carer or similar? Mine was older than me, and I just thought, it's not fair on me or him, I would hate that. I would have deeply regretted not leaving, if it had gotten to that stage. (Of course it works both ways, I now have no one to look after me if I ever need it!)

Another thing is that my ex does in fact make effort, now 🙄 He sees more of his friends, he goes out more, he's lost a load of weight. If I cared more, it would be annoying 😅😅 because he sure as shit didn't want to put effort in the o do all that when he was with me..

Maybe find that anger? That your partner is willing to only give you the crumbs of a boring basic life? You deserve more. If you left, he would probably put a boot up his own backside and improve, then you really have wasted years of your life... Food for thought.

What an absolute waste of your life.
Thank god you haven't inflicted him on children.
You deserve so much better than this half life.
Get out because some day you are really going to regret your decision to accept so little.

It should never stop you living a fulfilling life by being afraid of not finding someone else. Life can be amazing flying solo!

I had a similar problem, but our reasons/differences weren't the same as yours. But basically the same end result - resentment, and difficulty moving on with anything more ambitious than spending the weekend in B&Q or watching television 🙄

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with what he wanted to do, that's his free choice, but that's what obfuscates it all and makes it harder to leave. You feel guilty for it, and like it's not "enough" to split over, but it might be enough. Different life stages, growing into a different phase of life.

I became very aware that my life, my tiny short life, was ticking away.. And I'll never get that time back. So it had to happen. Since then ive done some of the things I dreamed of doing. It's wonderful.

We are both now free, living separately and able to use our respective spare time as we wish, and we actually get on better for it.

He doesn't need a partner. And you might not too. You could both live the lives you love singly.

I voted YABU because you knew who he was when you met and expected him to change.

You want different things from your leisure time. Unfortunately, you need to have a conversation with him about what you want, and if he doesn’t want the same you’ll need to finder a partner who will share your life.

I think if I was you op I would conclude that we are incompatible from the point of view of cohabiting and I would want to live separately.
Then all the downsides of his teenage lifestyle would be his burden to bear and he had might have some motivation to change🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't see the problem with gaming even for hours a day but as you say other things must be done and he should absolutely be doing things and spending time with you aswell as doing his share of the housework, and tbh bothering to maintain his appearance

But tbh if it has been like this for 8 years I can't see it changing.

Maybe it's time the relationship has run it's course because your not compatible. You should like you would be better off with someone more like minded, and him better off with someone into gaming.

and he deserves someone better suited for him, there are female gamers too.

I don't get it personally, but no one should have to change entirely who they are to be or stay in a relationship.

You have to make sacrifices when you have kids, obviously, but you shouldn't try to be someone else for the sake of a partner.

We're about to have a kid so things will change, but DH games (although not more than a couple of hours a couple of times a week), goes to the cinema a lot, bike rides alone or with friends, runs alone or with me, couple of drinks with friends now and then, reads, we'll go out for lunch or dinner together, countryside walks with friends on a weekend, watch TV/films at home or play board games.

He has friends who are as addicted to gaming as your Partner, and don't really do anything else. Shockingly enough there's a theme among them that they're depressed and/or single.

It's a bit unfair to expect him to change. He is the same he was when you met.
Now you can argue he could make efforts for you, but he was enough when he attracted you, he was enough at the beginning.
It's unreasonable to expect him to suddenly become someone different.

That said, no way in hell could I be in a relationship with someone like him. Childfree men do what exactly what childfree women do in their spare time! Hobbies, sport, travelling, meeting friends.

Some do nothing, male or female, and spend weekends doing chores and watching tv.

If you are not compatible, it's not much of a relationship, what's the point?

Dump him, this will not get better. And do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man child? You deserve so much more.

Assuming by putting up with it for so long you mean staying in the relationship?

It sounds like that's just who he is as a person, for nearly a decade, so it sound like you either accept it or you don't?