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Original poster

Mixed feelings towards friend - admiration/jealousy/frustration. AIBU to ask for advice?

88 replies

Acapulco12 · 31/05/2024 15:23

I went on holiday with a few friends a few weeks ago. We’ve known each other for a couple of years now and see each other every couple of months, and I liked them all beforehand, but the holiday showed me a different side to one of them in particular.

During and after the holiday, I realised I have quite mixed feelings and emotions about this friend. I really admire her, but don’t really like her as a person (and I don’t think she likes me much either). I just feel quite sad as well, because I doubt we’ll stay in touch, but I’m equally quite relieved that I probably won’t have to socialise much with her.

To give some background, my friend moved to the U.K. (where all 3 of us live) from Portugal around 10 years ago, basically with nothing.

She’d gone to uni in Portugal and decided to move to the U.K. for better job prospects. When she moved to the U.K., she started work in a coffee shop and then applied for jobs in government, which has led her to now have quite a prestigious job. I was so impressed by this, and yes quite jealous/envious.

Although she’s still quite junior in her role, her job is very prestigious and - more importantly - I’m sure she’ll learn a lot from it. She’s now fully settled in the U.K., with British citizenship, and has just bought a place with her partner.

Her life is quite hard in lots of ways e.g. her partner can be quite controlling and at times has been physically threatening towards her, her job is very stressful and demanding and she also has a long-term (minor) health condition.

Despite all of this, she’s continued to persevere and is doing very well. She is incredibly tough and resilient, and obviously a very hard worker. She’s also very intelligent, as she’s able to work out very quickly how to navigate situations (in work and life) and to understand what’s required of her (e.g. in stressful situations at work).

However, she is also quite impatient and direct, and can be quite self-absorbed (she barely asks anyone questions when with them and will very often just talk about herself and problems in her life).

I guess I’m asking how I can be more resilient and tough, like her? I’m proud of what I’ve achieved so far in life and I feel like I’m fairly resilient.

However, I’ve definitely had fewer challenges in life than she has (I didn’t have to move countries or learn a new language to have better economic prospects, for instance).

I think I feel ‘less than’ in comparison to her.I guess I feel a bit guilty that I haven’t needed to navigate as many challenges in my life. It’s a weird feeling, especially considering I don’t really know her that well - I know a lot more about her than she does about me, as she’s not really expressed any interest in my life at all.

Is there anything I can do to help with this feeling?

OP posts:
Northernladdette · 04/06/2024 16:59

It might be a cultural thing?

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 04/06/2024 12:37

Allthatyousurvey · 04/06/2024 10:30

The fact you have stated several times now, that you want what she has, is very chilling.

And to be jealous of her resilience in the face of challenges, I have no words.
It sounds like you don’t want her to have anything at all?
That’s really mean. And her offence - she ignored you, shocking, string her up.
You sound high maintenance and hard work.
I would have more sympathy if you told me something concrete she did to you.

Does that make sense?

Pause for a moment and ask yourself, did you want an echo chamber in this thread or honest feedback?
You’ve had very thoughtful and supportive replies already, but sometimes, we need to be jolted out of unhelpful states.

Let your “friend” go, I don’t mean physically, let her go in your mind. Free yourself.
Then schedule some sessions with a counsellor to deal with the insecurity, that is the root of it all.

Don’t blame your insecurity on others, take responsibility for it, that’s the first step in healing yourself.

Remember, no one can make you feel any kind of way unless you allow it and choose it. You have power and agency over yourself, learn to use it.

Or, you can do as you always did, in which case, nothing will change.

Show quote history

I don’t agree that it’s ‘chilling’ at all. I’m not at all sure how it comes across like that. It sounds like you’re suggesting I want her life and like I want everything she has. That is absolutely not the case and it never has been. I don’t think I have said anything in this thread that suggests this. I would like to have certain personality traits that she has, and certain things in her life that I don’t have - yes. However I am generally very happy and content with my life and I’m not a jealous or insecure person.

Equally, I don’t agree that I’ve said that I’m jealous of her resilience. I’ve actually said that I admire her resilience, which is absolutely accurate, because I do admire it. I’m also not sure where you’ve got the idea that I don’t want her to have anything at all.

I’ve tried to word my explanation of my feelings carefully, to show honesty and openness (which I think I have done) and also to show that there are certain aspects of her life and certain personality traits she has that I admire and would also like to have. I think it is a big leap - and completely inaccurate - for you to infer from my posts that I want exactly what she has.

In terms of her ignoring me, it felt really uncomfortable and it was horrible. Ignoring someone is a concrete thing. I totally agree and understand that it’s not a major, major issue, but it was unpleasant.

I wanted honest feedback from this thread and I am very grateful that I got it. The vast majority of the posts have been honest yet also kind, considerate and constructive, which I have appreciated.

I do think I’m a fairly resilient and independent person, and I know I also have power and agency. I’m not at all a high maintenance person in real life. Perhaps I have given an indication that I am on this thread - although I’m not sure where. It still stands that what I experienced on the holiday did upset me. That doesn’t mean that everyone will be affected by this sort of thing - of course it doesn’t. Some people might be affected by it - more than me or less than me - whilst others may not be affected at all. I have now let the incident go. It is now behind me and I don’t need to let it take up space in my mind anymore.

Originally, I wanted to post about it on here to get some advice and perspective, and I have received very helpful and constructive advice. Thank you very much to everyone who’s taken the time to post - I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Allthatyousurvey · 04/06/2024 10:30

Acapulco12 · 03/06/2024 21:48

You are absolutely entitled to think this, especially because we don’t know each other and were just two anonymous strangers both posting on an Internet thread.

I feel upset by your comment though. I’m not a stealth frenemy and I never have been and never will be. I treat my friends, family and - I like to think - everyone I meet - with kindness and respect, just as I’d want them to treat me.

I realise that jealousy is not at all a nice trait. I know it’s horrible. I rarely feel jealous of anyone - in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really felt it. I was wary about mentioning I was jealous on this thread, because I know it’s a terrible thing to feel and to say, but I wanted to be honest about how I felt.

This woman didn’t do anything outright mean and nasty to me on the holiday, but she ignored me most of the time and acted as if I wasn’t there - that’s not overt but it doesn’t mean it’s not nasty. Ignoring someone and freezing them out is cruel, but sneaky, so harder to prove and see than saying or doing something nasty.

I realise that it’s quite shocking to admit you feel jealous, and to be honest, I’m not even sure it was jealousy. It probably was - it was mostly a response to feeling ignored and dismissed by this woman I was with and possibly wanting her to like me and wanting to have some of the things she has - even though I am very lucky and I have a very privileged life. Does that make sense?

Edited
Show quote history

The fact you have stated several times now, that you want what she has, is very chilling.

And to be jealous of her resilience in the face of challenges, I have no words.
It sounds like you don’t want her to have anything at all?
That’s really mean. And her offence - she ignored you, shocking, string her up.
You sound high maintenance and hard work.
I would have more sympathy if you told me something concrete she did to you.

Does that make sense?

Pause for a moment and ask yourself, did you want an echo chamber in this thread or honest feedback?
You’ve had very thoughtful and supportive replies already, but sometimes, we need to be jolted out of unhelpful states.

Let your “friend” go, I don’t mean physically, let her go in your mind. Free yourself.
Then schedule some sessions with a counsellor to deal with the insecurity, that is the root of it all.

Don’t blame your insecurity on others, take responsibility for it, that’s the first step in healing yourself.

Remember, no one can make you feel any kind of way unless you allow it and choose it. You have power and agency over yourself, learn to use it.

Or, you can do as you always did, in which case, nothing will change.

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 03/06/2024 21:48

Allthatyousurvey · 03/06/2024 17:54

This has left a bad taste in my mouth for some reason, I really hope I don’t have “friends” like who secretly feel this way about me.

I can just imagine being on holiday happy and smiling and having a toast by the pool, all the while bitter resentful thoughts are camping out in your mind.

Count me amongst those who can’t abide stealth frenemies.

You are absolutely entitled to think this, especially because we don’t know each other and were just two anonymous strangers both posting on an Internet thread.

I feel upset by your comment though. I’m not a stealth frenemy and I never have been and never will be. I treat my friends, family and - I like to think - everyone I meet - with kindness and respect, just as I’d want them to treat me.

I realise that jealousy is not at all a nice trait. I know it’s horrible. I rarely feel jealous of anyone - in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really felt it. I was wary about mentioning I was jealous on this thread, because I know it’s a terrible thing to feel and to say, but I wanted to be honest about how I felt.

This woman didn’t do anything outright mean and nasty to me on the holiday, but she ignored me most of the time and acted as if I wasn’t there - that’s not overt but it doesn’t mean it’s not nasty. Ignoring someone and freezing them out is cruel, but sneaky, so harder to prove and see than saying or doing something nasty.

I realise that it’s quite shocking to admit you feel jealous, and to be honest, I’m not even sure it was jealousy. It probably was - it was mostly a response to feeling ignored and dismissed by this woman I was with and possibly wanting her to like me and wanting to have some of the things she has - even though I am very lucky and I have a very privileged life. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Acapulco12 · 03/06/2024 21:29

Kidsareup · 03/06/2024 11:05

I really can’t see much wrong with what was said here.

If you are looking at someone with a microscope and you’re looking for missteps you’ll find them, and if you’re looking for good you’ll find that too in most cases.

Jealousy by its very definition will cause unhappiness and anger directed at that individual.
You won’t have been able to think objectively while experiencing this emotion.

Very few people would survive that level of scrutiny and comparison.

Forgetting this woman for a moment, jealousy is a form of self harm.
For your own well-being, please remove yourself from her, forgive her (forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves), and move on with your own life and establishing those things you want.
A relationship and a home is very achievable if you apply yourself very seriously and diligently.
Expend your energies there, feeling jealous of this woman will only drain your own energies and drive.

You are both very different people, and that’s okay, no one has to be wrong and no one has to be right.

It’s possible to have two good people who just happen to be incompatible. We don’t have to paint one black and the other white.
Part of coming into the more mature years is considering all the colours and shades in between.

Maybe not long from now, you will have that lovely relationship and cosy home, isn’t that a more pleasant thing to think about?
Try to fill your head with pretty and bright things.
Avoid criticising yourself, rather, encourage yourself, that will bring out the best in you.

You sound like a lovely young woman. Have a non Mumsnet hug.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks @Kidsareup ❤️ I agree that those comments on their own are not really an issue in themselves. However, they became a problem for me because these comments were the only interaction with her. Aside from these comments, she ignored me and would look at and address the other women we were with. That really hurt me and made me feel small. It felt really painful to be ignored by her all the time - it was like I wasn’t there.

It was a bad decision on my part to go on holiday with her and the other women - I get that and I agree. I thought it would be really enjoyable though as I thought we’d really bonded and got on well in the time we’d known each other before. I didn’t think we be incompatible. We’d all got on well and treated each other kindly and tolerantly, and I found interacting with her on this holiday really difficult.

OP posts:
Allthatyousurvey · 03/06/2024 17:54

This has left a bad taste in my mouth for some reason, I really hope I don’t have “friends” like who secretly feel this way about me.

I can just imagine being on holiday happy and smiling and having a toast by the pool, all the while bitter resentful thoughts are camping out in your mind.

Count me amongst those who can’t abide stealth frenemies.

Alphabetspaghettii · 03/06/2024 13:04

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer springs to mind.
If you don’t like her just drop her.
With friends like you, who needs enemies.
If trivial comments about swimming, phones, or sunburn, elicits this kind of response in you, I wonder what you would do to her if she actually had done something outright mean and nasty to you.

Not a fan of “people pleasers”, or in this case, two-faced people, I’ve encountered them a fair few times. Just be honest.
Just imagine what she might feel if she read this, it’s very mean spirited.

Kidsareup · 03/06/2024 11:05

Acapulco12 · 01/06/2024 15:25

This woman was also quite snarky to me several times on holiday, and that was the only time she would speak to me directly. Otherwise she just ignored me.

She would make comments like ‘oh you’ve really burned, haven’t you!!’ when I got sunburned one day on holiday or she’d comment that I held my phone quite close to my face when looking at it.

Or there was other stuff like - one day we went to the sea and had a swim, and I swam quite far out, and when I came back to our spot on the beach, she said something like ‘you swim really well, don’t you’. I took it as a compliment, so I thanked her, and she then said ‘oh no, it was a question’, basically asking if I swam well, and then she started talking about how rubbish she was at swimming.

Again, all very minor and insignificant, but it just hurt me, because it all made me feel quite small and dismissed.

I really can’t see much wrong with what was said here.

If you are looking at someone with a microscope and you’re looking for missteps you’ll find them, and if you’re looking for good you’ll find that too in most cases.

Jealousy by its very definition will cause unhappiness and anger directed at that individual.
You won’t have been able to think objectively while experiencing this emotion.

Very few people would survive that level of scrutiny and comparison.

Forgetting this woman for a moment, jealousy is a form of self harm.
For your own well-being, please remove yourself from her, forgive her (forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves), and move on with your own life and establishing those things you want.
A relationship and a home is very achievable if you apply yourself very seriously and diligently.
Expend your energies there, feeling jealous of this woman will only drain your own energies and drive.

You are both very different people, and that’s okay, no one has to be wrong and no one has to be right.

It’s possible to have two good people who just happen to be incompatible. We don’t have to paint one black and the other white.
Part of coming into the more mature years is considering all the colours and shades in between.

Maybe not long from now, you will have that lovely relationship and cosy home, isn’t that a more pleasant thing to think about?
Try to fill your head with pretty and bright things.
Avoid criticising yourself, rather, encourage yourself, that will bring out the best in you.

You sound like a lovely young woman. Have a non Mumsnet hug.

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 21:30

RoachFish · 02/06/2024 20:34

I think some of this is cultural differences. I’m not British and to me those comments that you felt were snarky doesn’t seem like anything other than small talk to me.

Having said that, her aspirational nature explains why she hasn’t shown interest in you as a person. If you aren’t above her so to speak she won’t want to know. She is the kind of person who will most likely surround herself with people who can offer her a step up in some capacity otherwise they are just fillers of her world. This has no reflection on you, other than it shows you are a much nicer and genuine human to be around. She will most likely end up with a good career and lots of superficial friends but she will never feel fulfilled.

Thanks RoachFish. Perhaps it was just small talk - even so, it wasn’t necessary and it wasn’t nice.

I agree with what you’re saying about her being aspirational and that, because of that, she’s not interested in me.

Having said that, she told us on holiday about an old school friend of hers, from her home country, who she met up with a few years ago after not seeing her for a while and who she thought had suddenly become really superficial and money-focused, which has led to them drifting apart and their friendship ending.

The fact she said she was put off by the friend seeming so superficial has made me think that actually she does value fulfilment and actually is against superficiality and surface-level friendship and connection that isn’t genuine. I’m not sure though - I could be wrong.

OP posts:
RoachFish · 02/06/2024 20:34

I think some of this is cultural differences. I’m not British and to me those comments that you felt were snarky doesn’t seem like anything other than small talk to me.

Having said that, her aspirational nature explains why she hasn’t shown interest in you as a person. If you aren’t above her so to speak she won’t want to know. She is the kind of person who will most likely surround herself with people who can offer her a step up in some capacity otherwise they are just fillers of her world. This has no reflection on you, other than it shows you are a much nicer and genuine human to be around. She will most likely end up with a good career and lots of superficial friends but she will never feel fulfilled.

Crunchymum · 02/06/2024 17:24

Fair enough.

As per the last thread, you seem like a kind, articulate, friendly person and you'll meet your tribe. Don't waste any more time or effort on these people. And certainly don't compare yourself to them.

Ask yourself this, is someone who has a controlling partner really aspirational? The "friend" in question clearly doesn't have her life anywhere near as sorted as she likes to think!

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 17:19

Crunchymum · 02/06/2024 17:08

You have posted about this before. I think it's slightly disingenuous to namechange and post again. What are you hoping to achieve here that your last thread didn't achieve?

I get where you’re coming from but I think that’s a bit of a harsh judgement.

I tried to explain in an earlier post on this thread that my previous thread was more about the vibe of the holiday and me feeling uncomfortable and unhappy, and this thread is specifically about one of the women I went on the holiday with.

I know these two topics are connected, but I chose to start this new thread because I was hoping to get specific advice on how to manage the feelings I have around my friendship/interactions with one of the women I went on holiday with.

I also name-changed for this thread because I know people in real life who are on here and I didn’t want them to make comparisons or connections between the two threads.

I’m sorry that it looks like I’ve been disingenuous. I do understand why it might seem like I’ve not been completely upfront and clear, and I hope I’ve explained it here.

Thank you to everyone who’s posted on both threads - your advice has been really helpful and appreciated.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 02/06/2024 17:08

You have posted about this before. I think it's slightly disingenuous to namechange and post again. What are you hoping to achieve here that your last thread didn't achieve?

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 16:45

Hockeymom2 · 02/06/2024 16:33

The real danger and tragedy of jealousy, is that it poisons everything you think about.
The insecurity of it causes a sort of hyper sensitivity that makes one look through everything with a distorted lens, even perfectly innocent remarks or small inconsequential actions can appear micro attacks.

The first thing jealousy harms and destroys is the person suffering from it, victim number one, others can sometimes follow.

You have done so well to recognise it. You are already ahead of the game because you have insight, with that, you can definitely progress and go a long way.

Can you think how you might begin to alleviate this situation for yourself? You know yourself best and you know what will and won’t work for you.
We can make suggestions and help you sort through your thoughts.

Thanks Hockey. I think I basically have now realised that I want a couple of things she has - a relationship, a house of my own and a high-profile job (to put it bluntly!) I already have a good job, but I’m renting a place and I’m single, so if nothing else, this has shown me what I would really like. Having said that though, whilst I’m ready to start dating, I also want to have fun and don’t want to get into a relationship too quickly, and really want to try and avoid a relationship like hers, with an abusive partner.

Any feelings I have towards her of jealousy are reducing, as I know we won’t be seeing each other again.

I think the feeling of jealousy was also motivated by me feeling angry and upset towards her, as I’d felt we had some common ground before the holiday, and then during the holiday, she would ignore me and it then felt as if everything I’d thought about our interactions/friendship previously had not been what I’d imagined.

There was no point during the holiday where she was actually nice or kind to me. Whilst she doesn’t owe me anything, I remember thinking during the holiday - there is absolutely nothing for me here and I’m not enjoying the holiday, even though she might be. I just felt quite lonely on the holiday.

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 02/06/2024 16:43

You don't need to be like her, in any way. Be you.

Much of what you've written sounds like holiday incompatibility - many of us have been there! You live and learn.

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 16:38

Goldiedoodling · 02/06/2024 16:20

Yous just didn’t gel well, and you quiet dislike her. that happens.

Jealousy between gal pals group at same times of life happens, perfectly normal my lovely. I think you will get over it quickly by taking a step back from her. Was the insecure feelings better when you seen less of her?

Try your best not to see this woman again and you’ll feel better in a jiffy?

Do you think this woman in her mind thinks she better than you?
You seen any same admiration you was giving her?

Maybe it ain’t so bad as you think, hols bring out the worst!

I think yous two need to stay apart, it’s not good for you to spend time on jealousy. Live your life lass and big up alls the things you have and she hasn’t, I’m sure there are a lot, how nice you is being number one!

Can you go get yourself something big and flashy that she ain’t got? Will cheer you up love.

Do cheering yourself up and forget about this woman!

Must be someone better to admire, do you like autobiographies love? I’m sure they will be more interesting and exciting than this wee gal! Buy yourself a hole bunch of kikass women! Get yourself lost in there, do YOU!

Pity this gal she don’t know how to speak to people proper without stepping on big toe every 5 secs.

Show quote history

Thanks Goldie, I appreciate your kind words 😊

I think it’s just that - that we didn’t gel together well. I don’t think she thinks she’s better than me - I think she’s probably quite self-centred and she doesn’t really care about the effect she has on others if she doesn’t like them or doesn’t want anything from them.

I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again, as I don’t particularly want to see her again and I don’t think she wants to see me either. I think I’ll feel much more secure now, as I won’t see her again or keep in touch with her. I just feel a bit stupid to have gone on holiday with people I barely knew and that the holiday showed me a whole different side to her that I didn’t like (although I’m sure she could say the same about me).

OP posts:
Hockeymom2 · 02/06/2024 16:33

The real danger and tragedy of jealousy, is that it poisons everything you think about.
The insecurity of it causes a sort of hyper sensitivity that makes one look through everything with a distorted lens, even perfectly innocent remarks or small inconsequential actions can appear micro attacks.

The first thing jealousy harms and destroys is the person suffering from it, victim number one, others can sometimes follow.

You have done so well to recognise it. You are already ahead of the game because you have insight, with that, you can definitely progress and go a long way.

Can you think how you might begin to alleviate this situation for yourself? You know yourself best and you know what will and won’t work for you.
We can make suggestions and help you sort through your thoughts.

Goldiedoodling · 02/06/2024 16:20

Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 15:52

Thanks Goldie. I’m not sure if anything happened before or during the holiday that made her change her behaviour. She’s normally very open about anything related to her health or about her boyfriend etc, so I think she would have mentioned if anything had happened that upset her or made her feel angry or unhappy.

The only thing I can think of that would be made her upset/angry with me directly is that, for the first couple of days of the holiday, I didn’t have an Internet connection on my phone when we were out and about (and all of the others did), which maybe made her think I wasn’t being as helpful or pulling my weight as much as I should have been, as I couldn’t help with giving directions to places we were going to.

And another time, we were all heading to the beach from the hotel, and I realised I had forgotten my beach towel, whilst they all had theirs with them. I mentioned this and they all waited for me to head back to the hotel to get my towel, which was kind of them. I did say to them that they could go to the beach without me, and I would catch them up. It was a really short walk from the beach to the hotel - 5 mins max - and I was only gone for 10 mins tops. Whilst I do understand that that’s annoying, I don’t think it justifies ignoring me.

Also before the holiday, she suggested we pool our stuff we were taking on holiday with us, so she brought a bottle of sun cream that she and I shared between us - the other women each had their own bottle - but she always seemed happy to share with me, as she had offered, and I think she would have mentioned if she wasn’t happy to share any more. I did offer to buy another one so we’d have a spare, and she said it was fine and not a problem.

The final thing - I had a handbag with me as a spare bag to take out and about with me during the holiday, whilst all of the other women had rucksacks. We went hiking a couple of times, which would have been difficult with my handbag, so I asked one of the other women if I could put my stuff in her rucksack and she agreed. It was probably a bit irritating for her to have to carry around my stuff - small bottle of warwe, phone - but she said she was happy to do it. Again I don’t know if this irritated the main woman who ignored me. I’m not sure why it would but maybe it did annoy her. Maybe she thought I wasn’t organised enough and that I was being too annoying and dependent. I do understand that and would’ve done things differently, but I also don’t think it’s a massive deal.

Another time, one of the other women was talking - and I jumped in to say something, I think maybe to try and get a word in edgeways, as the main woman was already ignoring me by this point - and the main woman put up her hand to silence me and said ‘let her finish’ in English and our other common language. I do understand that I shouldn’t have interrupted, but I wasn’t trying to be rude - I was just trying to add something to the conversation and I did apologise after - and I thought the way she handled it was a bit high and mighty.

Edited

Yous just didn’t gel well, and you quiet dislike her. that happens.

Jealousy between gal pals group at same times of life happens, perfectly normal my lovely. I think you will get over it quickly by taking a step back from her. Was the insecure feelings better when you seen less of her?

Try your best not to see this woman again and you’ll feel better in a jiffy?

Do you think this woman in her mind thinks she better than you?
You seen any same admiration you was giving her?

Maybe it ain’t so bad as you think, hols bring out the worst!

I think yous two need to stay apart, it’s not good for you to spend time on jealousy. Live your life lass and big up alls the things you have and she hasn’t, I’m sure there are a lot, how nice you is being number one!

Can you go get yourself something big and flashy that she ain’t got? Will cheer you up love.

Do cheering yourself up and forget about this woman!

Must be someone better to admire, do you like autobiographies love? I’m sure they will be more interesting and exciting than this wee gal! Buy yourself a hole bunch of kikass women! Get yourself lost in there, do YOU!

Pity this gal she don’t know how to speak to people proper without stepping on big toe every 5 secs.

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 16:09

ssd · 02/06/2024 15:51

I think a bit of jealousy is natural here op

What do you mean @ssd? Is it because she has things that I don’t - e.g. boyfriend, high-profile job, a house of her own?

OP posts:
Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 15:52

Thanks Goldie. I’m not sure if anything happened before or during the holiday that made her change her behaviour. She’s normally very open about anything related to her health or about her boyfriend etc, so I think she would have mentioned if anything had happened that upset her or made her feel angry or unhappy.

The only thing I can think of that would be made her upset/angry with me directly is that, for the first couple of days of the holiday, I didn’t have an Internet connection on my phone when we were out and about (and all of the others did), which maybe made her think I wasn’t being as helpful or pulling my weight as much as I should have been, as I couldn’t help with giving directions to places we were going to.

And another time, we were all heading to the beach from the hotel, and I realised I had forgotten my beach towel, whilst they all had theirs with them. I mentioned this and they all waited for me to head back to the hotel to get my towel, which was kind of them. I did say to them that they could go to the beach without me, and I would catch them up. It was a really short walk from the beach to the hotel - 5 mins max - and I was only gone for 10 mins tops. Whilst I do understand that that’s annoying, I don’t think it justifies ignoring me.

Also before the holiday, she suggested we pool our stuff we were taking on holiday with us, so she brought a bottle of sun cream that she and I shared between us - the other women each had their own bottle - but she always seemed happy to share with me, as she had offered, and I think she would have mentioned if she wasn’t happy to share any more. I did offer to buy another one so we’d have a spare, and she said it was fine and not a problem.

The final thing - I had a handbag with me as a spare bag to take out and about with me during the holiday, whilst all of the other women had rucksacks. We went hiking a couple of times, which would have been difficult with my handbag, so I asked one of the other women if I could put my stuff in her rucksack and she agreed. It was probably a bit irritating for her to have to carry around my stuff - small bottle of warwe, phone - but she said she was happy to do it. Again I don’t know if this irritated the main woman who ignored me. I’m not sure why it would but maybe it did annoy her. Maybe she thought I wasn’t organised enough and that I was being too annoying and dependent. I do understand that and would’ve done things differently, but I also don’t think it’s a massive deal.

Another time, one of the other women was talking - and I jumped in to say something, I think maybe to try and get a word in edgeways, as the main woman was already ignoring me by this point - and the main woman put up her hand to silence me and said ‘let her finish’ in English and our other common language. I do understand that I shouldn’t have interrupted, but I wasn’t trying to be rude - I was just trying to add something to the conversation and I did apologise after - and I thought the way she handled it was a bit high and mighty.

OP posts:
ssd · 02/06/2024 15:51

I think a bit of jealousy is natural here op

Mamette · 02/06/2024 15:48

I wouldn’t be envious of anyone with a controlling partner, nor would I envy someone with limited social skills, regardless of their nationality.

Stay as you are OP! You sound a far nicer person than she is.

Goldiedoodling · 02/06/2024 15:34

She’d always been friendly to me before and now it felt to me like she was behaving completely differently and unpleasantly.

@Acapulco12

Seems strange she would of change so much, did something happen to kick this off do you think?

You said you seen some health stuff, could that have made her a bit of a grumpy pants? Do you know if she was having a flare up of whatever it was, she the kind would let her mates know if she was feeling a wee bit off?

Sometimes we blame ourselves for things dear and it ain’t about us!

What the woman said about the swimming doesn’t sound too bad to me if that’s the worst thing she said. You should hear some of my goby gal pals!

Sorry you is feeling bad love, might make you feel better to give her the benefit of the doubt?

If it were the other way and yous were a bit off on hols, how would she take it? Basically if you would of did the same to her.

Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 15:33

singswithitsfingers · 01/06/2024 23:49

Did you post about this holiday before? I seem to have read something similar recently

Yes I have posted about it before, under a different name.

I’ve posted this thread under a different name to the previous thread because the two issues I’ve posted about are different - my feeling about this friend, rather than my feelings about the group I went on holiday with - and because some people I know in real life are also on here and I didn’t want them to connect the two threads.

OP posts:
Original poster
Acapulco12 · 02/06/2024 15:29

MouseMinge · 01/06/2024 21:28

Someone has already mentioned comparison being the thief of joy which is something I remind myself of whenever I go down a rabbit hole of "why aren't I more like x? Why am I failing?" (To be fair I do this a lot less lately because I have some actual serious problems to sort out ... but it has been an issue that has held me back in life because comparison gets you nowhere).

Nothing you've written about this woman makes me want to be like her or understand why you wish you were more like her. Yes, she's managed some admirable stuff, a good job in a country where she isn't using her native language. That's admirable. But the rest? You already know that her behind closed doors isn't particularly something to envy. An abusive boyfriend and health issues. Maybe she's coping with the health issues, she is definitely not dealing with the horrible boyfriend. I'm sure you wouldn't want that to be in your life. She also seems rude and blunt, especially toward you. So, apart from her having a decent job that she's good at what else is there?

Don't you yourself have a decent job that you're good at? Aren't you kinder? I'm guessing your healthier, that you don't have an arsehole for a boyfriend? Let it go. You don't need to be like her, you just need to be you and the best you you can be. That doesn't involve you being any version of her at all.

You are good enough. That's it really. You are good enough. You may even be miles and many miles better than her but it doesn't matter because we're not comparing you with anyone other than you and you are good enough.

Thanks Mouse 😊 I’m really sorry you’ve got other difficult things going on. I wish you all the best with resolving those.

Normally I’d say I’m quite rational and sensible about avoiding comparing myself to others and catching myself when I find myself doing it.

I think I got caught up in comparing myself to her partly because I’d spent so much time with her and the other women on the holiday, for a long time (a week). I’m sure it was also because I found myself feeling inadequate, because I couldn’t speak our common language as well as the three of them, and because I don’t have a lot of things they do (e.g. I’m single - which I’m happy with, but am also comfortable and ready to start dating - whereas they all have boyfriends) and just generally didn’t have much in common with them. Whilst I feel ready to start dating, I really want to avoid being in the sort of relationship that this woman is in - as much as possible - where I have an abusive partner. He is both physically and mentally abusive, and loses his temper very quickly and unpredictably, and that’s completely the opposite of what I’d like. I know I want a stable and secure relationship, with no drama.

I also think I blame myself a bit for going on holiday with them. Obviously, it was a daft decision, in hindsight, to go on holiday for a week with three other people I barely knew.

However, because we’d been so open with each other in the couple of years we’d known each other and I’d enjoyed their company when we had met up so far, I was looking forward to the holiday and thought it would go well. Part of this was actually this women talking about difficult things happening in her life (her boyfriend’s behaviour and her health issues), and I suppose part of me felt flattered that she was confiding in me - and the other women - about something so private.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about these sorts of things with people I barely knew, but because she was talking about them freely, I think that made me think we were closer than we were. I wonder if perhaps she feels quite lonely and wanted people to talk with about these experiences. I totally understand that, if that’s the case.

This feeling of blaming myself is probably compounding my feelings of anxiety and comparing myself with that woman.

I probably just need to say to myself that I thought the holiday would be fun and had every reason to think it would be, parts of it were fun and I’d like to go back to where we went on holiday, but I didn’t gel with the people I went on holiday with, and that’s okay. I learned a lot about myself and about communicating in a foreign language that I’m not completely fluent in with people I don’t actually know, and how I react in situations where I feel out of my depth (I become a people-pleaser, basically). I’ve learned that, if I choose to be in situations like this in future, I just need to prepare for them more carefully and also just to see them as a learning experience.

And most importantly, as you say, I should remember I’m good enough as I am. Thank you ❤️

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